How cute is Salisbury…pretending they have laws.

Wait, are you trying to tell me that a newspaper clipping taped to my windshield in lieu of an actual inspection sticker is not going to fly in that quaint little hamlet known as Salisbury? Is this some weird end-of-February/leap year type rule? Because the Salisbury I know doesn’t have any rules. The Salisbury PD I know would have tracked this guy down, and instead of arresting him, would have gathered in the parking lot of Tens to roast and ridicule him for actually making them pretend that laws exist.

Tyngsboro is slowly getting back to what it does best.

Lowell Sun

TYNGSBORO — A former strip-club owner’s controversial request for an entertainment license at Duke’s Pub and Grille — to allow performers dressed in bikinis and Speedos to dance in-house — was approved 3-2 by the Board of Selectmen Monday night.

Selectmen reviewed Duke’s owner Don DiRocco’s request earlier this month and asked more questions Monday at a public hearing. Duke’s is located on Frost Road and DiRocco previously told the board he was looking for approval of the license to boost business.

After grilling DiRocco for more than a half-hour Monday night, Chairwoman Karyn Puleo said she did not receive enough information from DiRocco to vote in favor of the license.

“Let this beautiful patch of land be a safe harbor for Roller Skaters and Strippers.” Colonel Tyng – 1705

As the chief expert in Tyngsboro culture, I have a hard time believing I wasn’t given a press credential for this event.  Nevertheless, our neighbors up north did not disappoint.  In any town across the country, hysterics over the idea of allowing a windowless bar the opportunity to present women of various variety, dancing in their finest beach attire…would be perfectly reasonable.  But this recent puritanical crusade they’ve got going on up there is too much.  It’s like spending time with that really over-the-top Born Again Christian that is only 1 short prison term removed from blowing coke off of surface area provided by hooker body parts.  Don’t run away from who you are Tyngsboro.  Some places are meant to offer great schools, cute downtowns, and well-to-do people.  Other places were meant to offer negotiable fees to have a lost soul have sex with your kneecaps for the duration of a Motley Crue song.

Tyngsboro vs God, Part LXIV

Lowell Sun

TYNGSBORO — When clients show up for a class with Tracy Elston, a Chelmsford native, they first take off their shoes, and then their rings.
In a small room with a wall-to-wall mirror, bright-green paint on the walls and a pink boa hanging delicately in a corner, they next approach one of seven metal poles in the center of the room, and grab hold.
Elston says there’s nothing wrong with “pole fitness,” though it can carry a stigma because of its likeness to activities in, for example, gentlemen’s clubs. Even though the certified personal trainer says her clients have fun and there’s nothing sexual about the workouts, she will close the curtain over the windows, just to put the room at ease.

It’s a story that’s almost as old as time. A story of a little hamlet on the banks of the Merrimack and their four century resistance of God’s will to showcase poles there. From the great Colonel Jonathan Tyng, and his distaste for Pennacook totem poles, to modern day town selectmen denying Destiny & Choc-o-lát the opportunity to tempt gravity in 12 inch stripper heels.

I’m not the most religious chap, but even I can see what’s happening here. God is always one step ahead in this grand chess match. You deny him Destiny & Choc-o-lát, and he answers with Pole Fitness, eventually turning every chick in town INTO Destiny and Choc-o-lát. Well played, God.

“Even though the certified personal trainer says her clients have fun and there’s nothing sexual about the workouts, she will close the curtain over the windows, just to put the room at ease.”

“I think there’s a little bit of an interest,” she said, adding quickly “It’s not dirty…”

You can’t hate on Tracy Elston’s passion for pole dancing, but I think its up to us to decide what is and isn’t sexy. You’re probably going to have to do more than the removal of the stripper glitter and the $10 cover charge. Better keep that curtain up.

Things are not looking good for the Tyng.
BOSTON (AP) — State health officials have confirmed a case of mosquito-borne Eastern equine encephalitis in a horse in Tyngsborough, the third case in a horse this year.

The health department said Wednesday it is raising the mosquito threat level to ‘‘critical’’ in the north central Massachusetts community. Nearby Chelmsford, Dracut, Dunstable, Groton, Lowell, and Westford have been raised to ‘‘moderate’’ risk.

Ha! And you thought getting rid of all the strippers was the ticket to a disease free Tyngsboro. Well, the joke is on you. Call me nostalgic, but I liked Tyngsboro a lot better when it was all about boobs and roller skating. Ever since they turned the place over to new construction and horse hunting mosquitos, it hasn’t been the same.

Pic ganked from google images, whatever.