The United States and Canada are on the proverbial collision course on the hockey rink in both the men’s and women’s divisions. And since the world would probably look unfavorably on the U.S. invading Canada, the leaders of both nations have resorted to a more sporting form of settling disputes: a gentleman’s wager.
President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Steven Harper have bet a case of beer on each game. “For a very brief period of time, I may not feel as warm towards Canadians as I normally do, at least until those matches are over,” Obama told Harper while both were at a leaders’ meeting in Mexico on Thursday.
The leaders announced the bet on Twitter:
— The White House (@WhiteHouse) February 20, 2014
— Stephen Harper (@pmharper) February 20, 2014
Everyone in Canada reading this article: “Only two cases of beer, eh? What the fuck are we supposed to do with two cases of beer?”
LOWELL — A 20-year-old Lowell man is facing a total of 42 charges, including vandalism and discharging a BB gun, after police say he went on a shooting spree in the Belvidere section of the city earlier this month, damaging the windows of 20 cars and a number of homes. The suspect also allegedly shot a bystander outside a Dunkin’ Donuts.
In Lowell District Court on Tuesday, Aren Eaton was ordered held on $250 cash bail after pleading not guilty to discharging a BB gun (21 counts), vandalizing property (19 counts), malicious destruction of property over $250, and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.
While prosecutor Phil Chen asked for $5,000 cash bail, noting all the damage Eaton allegedly caused driving around on Feb. 8, defense attorney Melissa Devore asked for personal recognizance, noting Eaton has a 4-year-old child and another child on the way.
42 counts with a BB gun in one night? This kid doesn’t belong on trial…he belongs on a medal stand. Do you know how hard it is to hit anything with a BB gun? If we can get him a couple cross country skiing lessons and perhaps a relative to pinch hit for his demanding parental obligations, we’ve got a biathlon gold in 2018.
PS. The Lowell police should just starting finger printing in the nursery at Lowell General. Did anyone there see “Aren” show up on a birth certificate and not think that this young cherub would someday be spraying BB’s all over Belvidere?
Double PS. How we haven’t gated Belvidere yet is beyond me? If Halloween on Andover Street doesn’t convince you, the fact that “Aren’s” DNA is going roaming free for years to come should.
Triple PS. It will be hard for a jury of peers to convict someone with such an awesome chinstrap beard.
We’re just about up to our necks in Olympics now…assuming you haven’t figured out that the Olympics were actually held a month ago and NBC is carefully tape delaying the shit out of us. Since I don’t operate on Russian time, I’m going to throw this one back out to our Sochi correspondent, Alysha Lynch for the latest through the midweek:
If you missed previous updates.
Alysha’s Best Moments through the mid-week:
1. Bob Costas being replaced by Matt Laurer: Sorry Bob, but your run as the longest Olympic host since the Olympics moved to NBC is over. We know this isn’t permanent but maybe this will teach you a “life lesson” next time when you decide to wash your face with not so clear looking water. Your parting moments with Mary Carillo were pretty funny, taking shots of Russian vodka on tv like you didn’t give a fuck when really you were dying on the inside knowing NBC’s golden boy Matty L was on his way in to start practicing his lines. And so far I must say Matt is a breath of fresh air, I feel like he is taking his reporting to a whole other level. So take your time healing Bob, we don’t want to see you back until your eyes are normal color and you aren’t wearing those silly glasses anymore!
Editors note: If you don’t believe Matt Laurer wasn’t farting on Bob’s pillows, I don’t want to know you. Continue reading
…he’d sign an executive order declaring all bars open for Saturday’s puck drop against the Red Army. As it stands right now, he’s probably shuffling around the White House in his Tretiak jersey.
So far, I have an unofficial confirmation that Whipple will not be open. Any other Lowell bars planning to get your Kegs’n Eggs on while our Hockey team rips the heart of the Soviet soul…let us know. firstname.lastname@example.org