Back Off in #Haiku. 10/9/14.



Texas phone scammers.
Saying desktop infected.
Just letting you know.

Water bottle bill.
Not just a one-time increase.
Gives state too much strength.

Boston Globe is gay.
Ev’ry story is pro-gay.
Enough with the gays.

Temporary Bridge.
Why is that the focus now?
Waiting was not done.

Gas prices shrinking.
Just so they can tax it more.
Old folks will suffer.

Mass. war on women?
It’s a democratic state.
Dems started that war.

Uninformed voters.
Finally leaving their beds.
Prayers are answered.

Sound Off

Ebola blame game.
Look towards open borders.
That’s where the blame lies.

High school running team.
Trampling our poor elderly.
Get off the sidewalk!

Steenson spends tax dough.
To fix problems she started.
Cheaper to step down.

Lawrence road repairs.
Needed by the track crossings.
Same with Andover.

Lawrence for Baker.
Republicans love this town.
Coakley did nothing.

Sorry chief, you didn’t RUN a marathon.

(The spoked b walking up Heart-Brake Hill literally broke my heart.)

Not so hidden among these Heart-Break Hill Warriors are the folks that will tell you that their biggest achievement in life was running “fill in the blank” marathon. They’re the people who will show up at work the next day wearing their medals and tinfoil. They’re the ones waddling their chappy ass cheeks to the printer room…jones’n for you to ask them why they’re walking like an asshole. Well, this guy is not falling for it. I know the difference between “running a marathon” and exercising for more than 5 hours. (Both by the way are things I cannot do.)

“Yeah, but do you know how much money these people are raising for charity?”

Yes I do. It’s a noble gesture to fleece your family for donations under the guise of accomplishing what used to be considered an athletic super-milestone. Do you know what happened when Pheidippides arrived in Athens to share the joyous news of victory? He f’n died. Let me ask you this, Sally from Accounts Receivable …did you almost die when you sauntered down Boylston Street a few ticks shy of 6 hours?

Look, I’m not looking to belittle everyone who took to the streets yesterday. By all means, feel as empowered as you possibly can be. This is more a call to action to defend what “running” a marathon actually is. How about we cap it at 4 hours? That’s just over a 9 min/mile pace. If you fail hit that mark, you should be required to return all collected funds to your disappointed aunts and uncles, and shamefully cover the freight out of pocket. It seems only fair. If you hit that mark then by all means; flaunt your bloody nipples for weeks to come. You’ve earned it.

Can I Be Frank?: Running is Stupid

With the Marathon approaching I am dusting off this one for your reading pleasure. The subject of the Marathon has become a very touchy subject due to the tragedies of 2013, but let’s try to bring a little levity and some laughs to the whole subject of running.
March running martial art23, 2012

With The Boston Marathon just around the corner I wanted to offer a comprehensive review of the “sport” of running.

I can sum it up in 3 words: Running is stupid.

Whew. I feel better just writing those words down.

Let me backtrack a little bit. Running, for the purpose of exercise and general health is, I suppose, a positive and productive activity. Of course, running improves your cardio-vascular health, relieves anxiety, and certainly keeps the pounds off. But guess what, I don’t care. Running – just for the sake of running – is stupid.
Think back to when you were a kid. You ran for reasons. You were playing tag. You were running in a race against your friends. You were playing (real) sports. You were running from your Dad because you opened your big, sarcastic mouth one too many times (maybe that was just me?).
But, to run just…’because’. I’m all set.

Well, I can already hear the “BOOs” from all of you running rebels that live and breathe this horrific hobby. Several of my closest friends and family members love running and a few have even completed marathons. My Dad, my cousin, my college roommate to name a few. Listen, good for you guys! Congratulations! WOO HOO! Job well done! Yippie!

Running is stupid.

Which brings me to a more specific aspect of running; marathon running. Are you freaking kidding me? Why on God’s green earth would ANYONE want to run a marathon? Anyone? Bueller? Come on! Forget the actual act of running a marathon. I can almost understand the satisfaction of having thousands of fans cheer for you as you trudge through 26.2 grueling miles. I get that. But, how about the incredible amount of training and preparation that goes into it all? No thanks. Months of work. Millions of miles (maybe not millions, but it’s called alliteration, folks). Hundreds of hours of your time.

Really, people? Sore muscles. Achy joints. Bloody nipples. Odd bowel movements.

Wow, that sounds fantastic…where do I sign up?

OK, bring on the counterpoint, Bill Rogers and Uta Pippig. I’m waiting.

“Running alleviates my stress.”

“I don’t feel right unless I get a run in.”

“If you have never experienced a runner’s high, then you should not give your opinion.”

Too late and here it is: Running is stupid.

Well, I think I have clearly relayed my standpoint on the subject, but I am going to offer you a chance to get back at me. Perhaps there is a more personal reason for out-of-the-blue attack on all of you jogging jackasses?

I started running this week.

Yes, yes…I know. Laugh all you like. Not sure what inspired me to start this week. Possibly because of the 87 pounds of corned beef and cabbage and 105 pints Guinness I have ingested over the past few weeks. Could be that I have been lacking any exercise program in my life for a while. Entirely feasible that I was feeling guilty that my wife has recently decided to taking up jogging with the rest of you imbosiles. Could be all of the above? Doesn’t really matter, but I woke up earlier this week and took to the street.

Mrs. C.I.B.F. leaves for work at 6:00AM and, with a busy day ahead; I knew I should just get this out of the way early. So, at 5:32, I laced up the Asics and hit the road.

I began my first jog in a very long time at a slow and steady pace. I am not looking to break any records. I have no goal or end game in mind. I am simply out here to feel a little better about my health and possibly drop my blood pressure down to a normal range. What I soon learned was that it would not be the actual act of running that would cause me issue; but rather…panic.

As I made my first turn down a side street I realized how damn dark it is at that time of day strictly reserved for the newspaper kid and insomniacs. Suddenly, I felt an overcoming sense of fear. A dog (90% positive it was Cujo) barked from its yard and I nearly jumped up a tree like a Tom & Jerry episode. I smelled something? Oh God, it’s a skunk. Where is it? Christ, he is going to spray me right in the face! Who‘s that coming at me? Crap! I bet it’s a serial kill….nope; it’s another one of you stupid joggers.

“Hey man” I huffed at him like a 80 year old, chain-smoking asthmatic as I am trying to play the role of neighborhood Kenyon. I was completely thrown off my game. All of these distractions and empty fears were actually adding stress to this supposed stress-reducing activity. My pulse was not racing from the intense aerobic workout. It was because clearly there was a madman (or a blood thirsty, rabid animal) tracking me through the neighborhood. A Boogey Man (quite possibly Boogey Men?) was surely on my tail. That I know for a certainty.

Before I knew it, I was actually sprinting – not jogging – in one direction; back towards home. I am not going to risk my life over this silly pastime. I will not be maimed by some psycho or wildebeest for the love of this game. Just not worth it. I have a family to think about for crying out loud.

And there ends another chapter of my storied athletic career. Sneakers are retired. Wind pants are doing just that; blowing in the wind. I am hitting the proverbial showers for good.

Running is stupid.

Best of luck to all you marathoners!

Goodtimes Series Opener is April 8th…better get some low impact snow running in while you can.

The only thing that could have been this better is if a DPW plow came through to scrape Chelsea’s low-impact carcass off the pavement.

Hey, I aint mad at you, Chelsea and Michael. You’re probably just getting ready for the Spring Goodtimes series. Come April 8th, I’ll be in near cardiac arrest…sweating out the Guinness while Chelsea and Michael will be breaking the sound barrier as they pass me.


Hi Fellow Good Timers,

 I wanted to write and make you aware of several changes to the 2014 Good Times Series before you see them on Facebook or some other social media outlet.

 The first change you may already be aware of is that this year’s series will be based out of Finn’s Irish Pub located diagonally across from Hookslide Kelly’s. We first got wind that Hookslides may be in danger of closing last fall, so we began a search for a backup spot just in cast this did happen.

 Switching location is not something we took lightly. We did not want to leave Hookslides. They have been a great host and we are sad that they had to close. Our sincere thanks go to both Mike and Brian for supporting us the past five years and for being great hosts.

  Our first step was to initiate the help of the Merrimack Valley Convention & Visitors Bureau. They arranged for us to visit multiple sites allowing us some choice in selecting a new location.  We selected Finns because of its close proximity to our existing course, the facility is large enough to accommodate us, the bar prices are reasonable and in-line with what we had and finally, and most important, the ownership welcomed us with open arms.

 The second change was actually more difficult for us then finding a new location. Over the past five years we have been improving the series by adding chip timing, video, improved raffles, custom bibs, added prizes and a host of infrastructure improvements. Also the rising cost of insurance, permits, etc. have contributed to our expenses. Despite all this we have been able to maintain a low entry fee. 

 In order for us to maintain the quality of the series and in some cases make additional improvements we will need to increase entry-fees. The cost per race will remain at $10 per race if you sign-up for a season pass. I hope you agree that this is still one of the best race deals around. Our individual races (if you sign-up on race night) will be increased to $15/race.  We’ll keep the youth rate at $5/race.

 The final change will be with our course. The old University of Lowell Bridge is gone and we will now run over the new Richard Howe Bridge. This will require us to change the start and finish. As soon as the weather improves a new course will be measure and certified. As soon as those details are worked out We will post the new course on our website. 

 Thanks for being part of the series and I hope you will join us in 2014.

 Dave Camire

 Good Times Founder

New Mexicans are Savages!!!

Look we’ve all been there.  You’re out running errands and you gotta pull in to the nearest fast food place and use the restroom. 


Or you’re running a 10K and 3 miles in you start looking for places to pull over and water a tree or bush or if your lucky the nearest porta potties on the route.  But this nasty bitch?  Out for a morning run and she just drops a deuce on this guys house.  Multiple times!  I’m guessing “Bobby” knows this savage and did her wrong somehow.  Didn’t call her after the one night stand?  Broke it off in highschool?  Whatever it is I’m sure she has a really good reason she’s doing her best impression of a dog on his house.  I can’t imagine not wiping and finishing my run.  This chick is brutal. 

2013 Running of the Bulls!!!


Every year I root for the Bulls to gore these dummies

“Tension soared when one of the animals charged a man and tossed him on the ground with its horns for almost 30 seconds as fellow runners tried to pull it away by its tail. The man clung to one of the horns as screams of were heard all around.” 

You don’t say?  An almost two ton animal that’s all pissed off and has the strength of at least five men ragdolled someone in Pamplona?  This also just into the SOfFC news desk- water is wet, puppies are cute, and little kids like ice cream.  Film at eleven.