<A South Boston man was arrested Wednesday afternoon for allegedly assaulting a 66-year-old neighbor over a parking spot, police said.
According to a police report, the victim told police he arrived home to find Juan Beltran-Rivera parked in a spot on East Eighth Street in South Boston that the victim paid to have shoveled-out earlier in the day.
The victim confronted Beltran-Rivera about the spot, according to the report, and the two began to argue.
Beltran-Rivera, 32, told police that he became intimidated by the victim during the argument and “things got out of hand,” the report said.
Police said Beltran-Rivera punched the victim, temporarily knocking him unconscious. Beltran-Rivera was arrested and charged with assault and battery on a person who has attained an age over 65, the report said.
Responding officers said in the report that the victim had serious cuts on his face, and his left eye was swollen shut. They also observed a pool of blood at the site of the alleged assault, which was 20 feet from the intersection of East Eighth and Mercer streets.

While no, I am not a licensed attorney with regard to US/Massachusetts criminal law, I happen to be an expert in the matter of Pirate Law. While Massachusetts district attorney’s may beg to differ, the South Boston spot saving rituals falls under the jurisdiction of Pirate Law. Per Pirate law, you’re absolutely permitted to save freshly shoveled parking spaces with whatever household item you deem necessary to let all the other savages out there know that this little island of dry pavement belongs to you. As such, one should also expect territorial pirate wrath should you land on another Pirate’s island. It is to be expected. You either move to another spot or prepare to engage in pirate warfare. It’s the will of the people.

While generally my instinct tells me to never trust a gentlemen with hyphenated last name, I would have to rule in favor of Beltran-Rivera. He was simply following pirate protocol. Give the man his freedom, and give the man his space.

BTW, paying someone to shovel your space negates your pirate right to save parking spaces. The only thing less pirate-like is getting one punched by a Latin pirate in the middle of East 8th Street. I guess this really isn’t your grandfather’s Southie anymore.