What you should realistically expect to hear from Roger Goodell….

nflcrimes

pic from mediacriminaljustice.blogspot.com

I’m not posting the video as it’s depressingly savage…if not the punch, the image of Ray waiting for the doors to open to drag his unconscious fiancé off the elevator.  If you’re curious, it can be found everywhere but here.   

At this point, you’ve got to be wondering, “How omnipotent is the NFL shield? ” Like society’s benchmark for deplorable doesn’t seem to apply at all, and in that regard, it doesn’t seem that the league itself cares to align itself with that standard in any way shape or form.  While the general public expects a reasonably measured response from Rog and crew,  I expect more of the usual bull shit coming from New York:

“Did anyone read that story about the NBA booting yet another racist owner from their ranks?  You’d think it was 1954, not 2014. Shameful.”  –Roger Goodell 

“It’s frustrating to me as a commissioner when these occurrences happen because it takes away from all the good that we’re doing as a league.  Like it’s been almost a full calendar year since one of our players has been indicted for murder…which ya know…on paper, is worse than domestic violence.” –Roger Goodell

“Yes it is true that we received a copy of this tape last week, but we delayed comment and action until our experts could determine beyond a reasonable doubt that this wasn’t part of “the Fappening.” –Roger Goodell

“As part of our expanded emphasis on long term health and to demonstrate our commitment to the absolute abolishment of major head trauma from the NFL…player’s wives, girlfriends, and sidepieces will receive a female adaptive version of Wes Welker’s helmet to be worn at all times.  Removal of the helmet will result in a league imposed fine for 1st time offenders, and an automatic season suspension and mandatory counseling for repeat offenders.  And for our female fans, a pink replica will be available in all official team stores and ShopNFL.com for the duration of Break Cancer Awareness Month.” –Roger Goodell

“With regard to our young fans’ exposure to this event through the prism of Madden Football, our partners at EA Sports have agreed to also take action per our request.  While Ray Rice cannot be physically removed from the game, Ray Rice’s player rating will be adjusted retroactively.  Gamers deploying Ray Rice will see a marginal increase in Strength Rating (STR-92) and Elusiveness (ELV-87…not to be confused with “elevator.”), and a significant decrease in Awareness (AWR-72), and Personality Rating (PER-70).” –Roger Goodell

“While it’s hard to find any ray of light…sorry, no pun intended…in such a dark situation, it should be noted that the cutting of Ray Rice now makes this by rule, a technical knock-out (TKO), and a win for Jannay Palmer.  That’s at least good for bragging rights.  Speaking of bragging rights, have you and your friends registered to play NFL Fantasy Football on NFL.com?” –Roger Goodell

“Our players are the most finely tuned athletes in the world, programmed to endure and distribute physical punishment on a 57.6 thousand square foot battlefield.  I’m not really sure why the make elevators so small?  We’re in early discussions with engineers over at OTIS to consider NFL friendly adaptations to their future models.” –Roger Goodell

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The science is settled, God LOVES Tim Tebow!

 

 

NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) — Question his quarterbacking skills all you want. But when it comes to college football, Tim Tebow knows his stuff.

The former Heisman Trophy winner came within a point of predicting the final score of Monday’s thrilling BCS National Championship Game during his television debut for ESPN.

“Auburn might be a team of destiny, but tonight, Florida State is deeper from top to bottom,” Tebow said. “(With) Jameis Winston and Telvin Smith’s leadership in the fourth quarter, I think they win 35-31.”

Rest of the article here.

Freaking Tebow man, nails the score as FSU won 34-31.  He must have a direct line to the big man upstairs.  I don’t know about you guys but if you’re the type who likes to call a bookie for NFL games I’d be watching ESPN this weekend to see what knowledge Tebow’s dropping for the masses on the world-wide leader.  It’s a shame he throws worse than Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite otherwise he might still be in the NFL.

Now starting this Sunday against your New England Patriots….

Is this kid serious?  He’s the all time touchdown leader in college football with 157 albeit in division 3.  But still, 157 is 157.  Only problem for garbage can boy is this- Chandler Jones and the rest of the defense is coming for him on Sunday provided Brandon Weeden isn’t cleared for Sunday’s game against the Pats.  Oh and the amount of NFL snaps this kid has seen?  Zero.  Pats roll to victory on Sunday.  No doubt.  Book it.

Please tell me that I’m not crazy…

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Football Sunday. Lil’ impromptu gathering over on Elliott Drive. Feeling that the day called for fistfuls of protein and exotic sauces, I bopped down to WingsOver-Lowell to grab a B-17 Bomber. Easy Peasy. The only problem was that now I had to figure out a flavor for 60 pieces of chicken. Tough to do. So many variables to consider. Spicy, sweet, buffalo…what level buffalo?!?! I agonized over this for solid 30 minutes before picking up the phone.

What was the verdict? It didn’t matter because apparently I already blew the order when I didn’t grab boneless wings. The overwhelming majority of my football viewing cohorts confirmed that only cavemen and Les Stroud eat chicken on a bone. This blew my mind. I’m not saying my palette is more refined than the next guy, but I do have five seasons of Top Chef under my belt, so yeah, my palette is more refined than the next guy. Ignoring the fact that bone-in almost always guarantees flavor and tenderness, bone-in wins strictly on convenience…you only have one hand, assuming a beer is occupying the other. Nobody wants to be that loser at the football party asking for silverware. It’s debatable whether a napkin is even needed.

I’m pretty sure I’m right on this matter, but I’m curious what our Cabot readers have to offer? Bone-in or out?

OJ Simpson caught Red Handed

I’m not saying OJ Simpson beheaded his ex wife and her boyfriend stole oatmeal cookies, what I am saying is IF OJ Simpson  beheaded his ex wife and her boyfriend stole some cookies he’d shove them up his shirt so he could eat them in his cell later on.

This time, O.J. Simpson was caught red-handed.

The former football star is currently serving a 33-year prison sentence for armed robbery, and he apparently has a pretty big sweet tooth. Simpson was recently caught stealing cookies from the chow line by guards in the Nevada prison, the Daily Mail reports.

Guards reportedly saw Simpson trying to hide something underneath his prison clothes as he walked back to his cell after lunch one day and, after further investigation, found that the former USC standout had a stash of “more than a dozen oatmeal cookies,” which were taken away. A source told the National Enquirer that Simpson didn’t seem contrite about his actions.

“O.J. just stood there with a goofy grin on his face as the guard kept digging inside his shirt and throwing the cookies on the floor,” the source said.

Full article here. 

Freaking OJ.  I love me some oatmeal cookies but really OJ?  A dozen of them?  You fat bastard.