Creatures of the Lowell Line: Superheroes


What is this guy’s superpower you ask?  Invisibility? Clearly not.  X-Ray vision? Unlikely.  The ability to break up “six….ahhhh, actually seven” fights at Saturday’s Fleetwood Mac concert?  You guessed it.  (It was 3 fights, two stops ago, but you know how it goes with Superhero’s… you get super exaggeration too.)  Hey, we all know how it goes with those Fleetwood Mac fans.  They’re all just normal geriatrics, complaining about the weather and speed limits being too high, until they hear the base lick in the middle of “The Chain” and they lose their minds.  Its like some sort of tribal call to arms.  One would have to imagine it was a scary scene.  “The ush’ahs were piss’n demselves.  Thank God I wuz they’ah.”  (Translation:  “Just went on instinct, No weapons needed.”)

And here he is two days later warming the purple seats on the commuter rail with the rest of us mortals, with hardly a scratch on him.  And unlike most superhero’s, who are all usually guarded and introverted when they’re not saving the world, he was extremely forthcoming.  For instance, we learned that he just acquired a pet Red Tail Boa, that he temporarily named “Destroyer.” (Temporarily?  Like he’s going to come up with something better than Destroyer?)  And haven’t you all wondered what superheroes order at Dunkin?!? Well, you’re in luck.  This superhero runs on a “Great One” Hot Chocolate with a Turbo shot…which demonstrates a palette and stomach lining that is operating on a super human level.  Clearly this man has no weakness. (Save for the onset of Type 2 diabetes or the eventual wrath of Destroyer the snake.)

Creatures of the Lowell Line: Argghh! Legit Pirates



The purple line isn’t necessarily the type of vessel that I would expect to run into a Pirate, given its questionable seaworthiness and it’s lack of direct lines to Tortuga. Then again, it’s probably the mostly likely place.

If anyone has any treasure buried somewhere near North Billerica, you may want to check on it.

h/t to me for having the balls to snap candids of a guy who thinks he’s a pirate.

Creatures of the Lowell Line: Pending Commuter Warfare in North Billerica


Lowell Sun 

BILLERICA — With the MBTA parking lot already packed by 8:30 a.m., some commuters are dreading the worst when Lowell commuters are forced to find new parking spots starting April 1 because of the major Gallagher Terminal reconstruction project.

Marie Smith, who has taken the commuter rail from the North Billerica stop for eight years, is so worried about Lowellians taking over that she sees herself getting forced down to the Woburn parking lot.

“That would be a big inconvenience for me,” said Smith, 53, who has lived in Billerica for 23 years. “Forty minutes away instead of a quick three-mile drive each morning.

“There’s a lot of people concerned about this,” she added. “And even when the construction is over, are they always going to park here because it’s cheaper to park here and the T pass is cheaper?”

“Ray, people will come Ray. They’ll come to North Billerica for reasons they can’t even fathom. They’ll turn up the driveway not knowing for sure why they’re doing it. They’ll arrive on the platform as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won’t mind if you park here. It’s only $4 per person. They’ll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they’ll walk out to the platform; stand in unfashionable winter parkers on a perfect morning.  And they’ll wait for the train and it’ll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they’ll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. People will most definitely come.”

I hope they come and come in droves.  Like Field of Dreams only the star in this movie is a patch of asphalt in Billerica and I am James Earl Jones. Commuter Rail People are some of the worst people on the planet.  Living life around a train schedule breeds some of the worst passive aggressive, Type A douchebaggery you’ll ever see.   From dudes keying cars because a stranger didn’t know spot #236 was his “usual spot” to iPad combat over someone refusing to take the middle on a 3 seater.   It’s deplorable.  And if you’re telling me that come April 1st, the LRTA is going to toss a duraflame right in the middle of this mess, then Happy April Fools Day to me.  I can’t wait.

Creatures of the Lowell Line

The US Secret Service confirmed today that it is investigating a man who allegedly impersonated a Secret Service agent on an MBTA commuter rail in an attempt to avoid a fare.

“We’re aware of the incident and we are investigating it,” Special Agent in Charge Stephen Marks told “Impersonating a federal agent or officer is a crime… we’re taking the report seriously [and] looking to get to the bottom of it.”

Richard Sullivan, lieutenant detective with the MBTA Transit police’s special crimes unit, confirmed that the transit police are also investigating the incident. Sullivan said that the investigation is ongoing.

“We have had communication with the US Secret Service—Boston office relative to the video,” Sullivan told “I’m confident that the gentleman alleging to be a federal agent does not possess such status.”

Did this really go down on the Lowell line?  I ask you this, does this stuff NOT go down on the Lowell Line every single day?  You give me a day that ends in “Y” and I’ll give you at least one incident of a dude trying to get out of the fare.  Secret Service Agent?  Not even in the top 5.  I  saw a guy crawl into the portal to hell known as the train toilet and emerge halfway to Woburn, only to find a patiently waiting conductor (Some bird totally narced on him).  When asked for a ticket, the guy claimed he was on the previous train into Boston, experienced a “seve-ah diarrhea attack” and couldn’t dethrone in time for the next trip.    Needless to say, that ride was on the State.  Nobody in history has ever debunked an explanation that involved diarrhea.  It’s bullet proof.

This is how you make statement on the MBTA.


Here I was this whole time thinking the T was only for average joes like myself, just looking for some newspaper time before we wage war in our cubicles. Not today my friends. Looks like folks in the upper echelon of society hate sitting in traffic too. I bet a coat like that gets itself it’s own two seater, or at the very least, doesn’t have too sit on top of the Indian guys’ enormous book bags.