Langster, aka Commuting NIRVANA, aka Sexual Chocolate, aka bike – $629 (Winchester)

Sexual Chocolate


Traffic sucks, half the people on the bus are escaped lunatics, and the T is less reliable than the Italian postal service. How the hell does a sane person get anywhere in this city, anyhow?

Answer: they bike.

Bike? Is that really any faster?
Shitchyea, bitches. The results of years’ worth of time trials between Berklee (Back Bay) and Porter square reveal the minutes between point A and point I’ll-B-damned!
Driving=40 min.
MBTA=45 min.
Bike=18 min.

That’s over 3 hours a week you can use doing something else besides complaining about your commute. You could read, watch TV, make passionate love, complete your masterpiece, get a workout…oh wait, you already GOT your workout biking! So now you have even more time for masterpieces and lovemakin’.

Note: there’s no guarantee biking to work will increase your sex life, but a harder, fitter body with improved cardiovascular function can’t hurt.

Ok, SOLD, you say. I’ll bike to work. But how much is a good commuter bike?

The commuter bike by which all others are judged is the Langster, by Specialized. The cheapest you’ll find a new Langster for is upwards of $700, stock.

“But what about all the extras I’ll need?” you ask.
Yes. What about them.

The city is full of broken glass, nails, screws, syringes, and other pointy things to flatten your tires. FUCK THEM. This bike is equipped with a set of Armadillo tire liners that’ll roll right over the pointiest of pointies with nary a puncture. Yes, Virginia, I’m talkin’ BULLETPROOF TIRES.

And what about your gonads? Don’t they get squished? Not with a carbon-fiber-posted split seat, they don’t. This saddle will cradle your jewels from home to work and back again, so they’re in primo shape for all that lovemakin’.

Is it fast? I mean really fast? How do I know? Because I’m throwing in a Cat’s Eye bike computer that tells you time, distance, speed, average everything. For FREE.

That’s great, you say, I can go fast on a light, puncture-proof, ball-loving bike, but I still need to carry my stuff.
Don’t worry, baby, I know all about that, which is why you get a bike rack & pannier set to keep your manuscript/laptop/kilo of Columbian primo safe and dry.

And–AND–I’m including a tensioner that ensures your bike puts all your power to the tires, instead of sucking it up with a saggy chain. This marvelous item also doubles as a bottle-opener. But don’t get a BWI, that’s douchey.

Sounds great. But what if somebody steals it?
Fear not, sugarface, a Kryptonite shackle lock is included gratis. Ain’t nobody stealing your hunka burnin’ love.

So, if you’re man or woman enough to commute by bike, and by bike, I mean the finest piece of single-speed machinery, with computer, carbon post, split seat, pannier rack, Armadillos, and lock, then what are you waiting for? Slip this sturdy brown love machine between your legs and grind them pedals.

For $629, you can change your life. Don’t be the undecided fool who misses out.

Why am I selling? Because I live in the suburbs now and take the train to work, and that’s my writing time. There’s a lot I miss about biking, but it’s impossible to write. The letters come out all jiggly.

So if I understand correctly, straddling sexual chocolate here is going to yield a daily ride on the Lowell line, and a living situation that either doesn’t have the square footage to store this alleged magic carpet of vajay, or doesn’t leave enough cheddar in the wallet to transact that “Columbian Primo” that you’re going to be transporting.  No thanks, bruh!  I’m going to hold out for something less exotic.