Travesty!

Allegedly drunk Dracut driver crashes into eatery

No one hurt in incident

jade tragedy

The Lowell Sun
Updated: 07/15/2014 06

TEWKSBURY — Apparently no one told Bryan Waruhiu the Jade East chinese food restaurant on Main Street doesn’t have a drive-thru window.

It does now.

Tewksbury police allege that at around 4:30 a.m. Monday, Waruhiu, 21, of 64 School St., unit 101, Dracut, was driving drunk when he plowed into a brick wall at the restaurant at 433 Main St.

No one was in the building, but the crash left an eight-by-10-foot gaping hole in the brick building, prosecutor Daniel Brunelli said. When police tried to interview Waruhiu, he allegedly gave a false name.

In Lowell District Court hours after the crash, Waruhiu was released on personal recognizance after pleading not guilty to charges of operating under the influence of alcohol, negligent operation of a motor vehicle, providing a false name to police and marked lanes violation.

Waruhiu’s conditions of release are that he is to abstain from alcohol and submit to random screens.

His next court date is Aug. 27 for a pretrial conference.

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Well, color me crushed (not like the ice in the delicious J.E. Mai Tai either – the bad kind).  Meet my new arch nemesis, Bryan Waruhiu.  Bryan, Bryan, Bryan.  Where do I begin?  You have hurt a legend.  You have hurt a local institution.  You have hurt a temple of splendor and happiness.  Most of all, Bryan, you have hurt my feelings.  If you were not aware of my feelings for the beloved Jade East, then click here HERE .

After you digest (pun intended) that writing from the heart, you will understand my anger.  I understand you had a couple of wobbly pops that night, Bry.  Certainly not going to judge you on that.  What I am going to judge you on is what right you have to leave Dracut at that hour and decide to cross through two towns to break the crushed ice in the Mai Tai of my heart?  If I am not mistaken, the Jade East’s red headed, weak, disappointing, drop out step child, the Lo Kai, is within Cow Town town limits, correct?  Why not get sozzled in your own back yard and start smashing in to local libation holes.  Just stay away from the Jade.

Bryan, have you seen the new Derek Jeter commercial about Respect?  You could learn a lot – even from a Yankee.  When you sober up, I insist you drive past the ol’ Jade and tip your tipsy cap.  Respect is not given, it is earned.

 

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Can I Be Frank?: Chinese Food & Me: A Match Jade in Heaven

mai taijade

Bottom line: Chinese Fooood is awesome.  Just ask Austin Kuchar…

The variety. The spice. The convenience. All of these things and more are what make dining Chinese-style simply awesome. Traditionally, when we think about Chinese we think “take out”, but dining in at your favorite Americanized-Western version of the Orient makes the whole cookie that much more fortunate.

As I frequented one of my favorite spots of all time – the world famous Jade East – this past week I got to thinking about all of the great little details of what make Chinese chow down so great in my book.

10. Remember to tip your waitresses!

Yes, many of the larger Chinese restaurants work double duty as comedy clubs for local up-and-coming laugh makers. I mean, after all, who among us does not want a boat load of belly laughs after inhaling the all you can eat buffet? It makes perfect sense. Ingest 2-3 pounds of heavily fried, generously spiced, and sodium-fueled deliciousness (couple with several ‘what the hell is in this thing?’ cocktails) and prepare your innards to burst with some good old fashioned knock-knock jokes.

9. Where Are We?

Oh, did I forget to mention, Chinese Restaurants almost never, ever have windows. How pioneer is that move? We’re talking Daniel (-San) Boone type pioneer spirit. If you ever walk in to Chinese restaurant with a lot of natural sunlight, run for your life. It is clearly a trap. Otherwise, soak in the darkness. Like a bizarro-Rodney Dangerfield, “Rage against the dying of the light.”

8. We’ll have the Pu Pu

As long as I am being gross, let’s get all 6-year-old while I am at it. Where on earth, except for a Chinese restaurant, would we ever read an entry on a menu that had the phrase ‘Pu Pu’ right in its title would even consider eating it? Answer: nowhere. Guess what, they are perfect. All the favorites in one great order. Call it the Raging Crap Platter or Dookie for Two. Don’t care. It’s a never miss.

7. Yes, may I have beef, chicken, shrimp, pork, rice, pasta and the kitchen sink please?

Nowhere else can you economically order just about every acceptable form of animal on earth and have it delivered right to your plate. Not only affordable, they have discovered the formula to having them all blend in to one ridiculously tasty combination. Maybe that’s the third Mai Tai talking?

6. MSG

No not Madison Square Garden. I do not have the foggiest idea what “MSG” is or even what the letters stand for; but if it has anything to do with the tastiness of my #16 special then I don’t want to interfere. MSG is always a point of note when Chinese food is discussed, but for some reason no one really asks or wants to know; especially me. Even if I were to learn that MSG actually stood for “Massively Severe Gonorrhea” or “Minced Squirrel Guts” I would politely nod my head and affirm my interest in the meal. In fact, you can double up on mine.

5. Tastes Great, Less Filling

Like the classic Miller Lite slogan Chinese food ‘tastes great and is less filling”. No matter how much food you pile on that plate, the number of trips you make back to the buffet, you can never get completely full when consuming this Asian magic. It’s a physical impossibility. Why? Don’t know. Don’t care. No clue. Ask Confucius.

4. “Excuse me, Suffering Bastard over here”

The alcoholic drink options at Chinese restaurants are nothing short of epic. Outside of some sadistic college fraternity party where else can you order drinks called ‘Zombies’, ‘Headhunters’ and ‘Suffering Bastards’. Where else can you order a cocktail by the BOWL? Not just any bowl, a SCORPION BOWL. And guess what, you and your friends can share them or feel free to be a total and complete degenerate and suck down that lethal juiciness all by your lonesome. Rule #1 at the Chinese joint is there is no judging at the Chinese joint.

3. Do I have something on Mai Tai?

If we are gonna talk Chinese cocktails, I cannot forget my very favorite; the beautiful, delicious, sense-deadening, worry-relieving, habit-forming Mai Tai. An ingenious concoction combining…combining…truthfully, the greatest Mai Tai recipes are secret. Taboo you might say. Who am I to question ancient law? Maybe I’ll try that other great Chinese potion…what’s it called? Oh yeah, SAME TING!

2. That’s a wrap

Regardless of how much or how little you order when dining at a Chinese restaurant, there will always be leftovers for you to take home. Always. It’s like the Law of Gravity. Death, taxes, Chinese leftovers. You heard it here. To boot, unlike most leftover meals, Chinese seems to be like a fine wine…better with age (READ: 48 hour rule in effect). The marriage of Chinese leftovers and the microwave would lead you to believe they were meant to be together. Maybe that’s the Mai Tai hangover talking?

1. Have a great day!

Where else do you leave the dinner table with the promise of something good in your future? A little positive reinforcement? Some lucky numbers to count on? Of course I speak of the always present fortune cookie that concludes all Chinese dining experiences.

“Pain is inevitable…Suffering (bastard) is optional.”

-Buddha