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Thanks for sending Sean M. You got me. My mouth was open too.

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What We’ve Learned: Ned’s February 2014 Local Politics Update

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I suppose I’m a little late with my February updates, but it’s to be expected as I am a product of an underfunded school system.

Bill Samaris is dominating.  Seriously.  This guy is everywhere.   Council agendas. The Lowell Sun.  WCAP.  State of the Union addresses.  Throwing out first pitches.   Would somebody mind letting him know that this is not an election year?  Pace yourself, Billy boy!  You don’t want to pull a hammy.

I’m pretty sure we have a new City Manager. Congrats to Kevin Murphy on the well-deserved position.  First order of business is figuring out which properties to seize to add another 9-holes to Mt Pleasant.  I’m sure there will be a least one super long par 4 so all the members can have a sexual experience with one another every time they reach it in regulation.

Mayor Elliott is finally settling into a groove.  Council Meetings have finally settled into a nice flow.  We’re in, we’re out, no nonsense.  It’s like watching Mark Buehrle pitch… if Mark Buehrle kept a Mayor Murphy and Bernie Lynch voodoo doll in the dugout and was constantly leaving the mound to go stick pins in it.

Downtown Revitalization Starts and Ends with Mill No.5:  “The people of Lowell elected me because I know the difference between happy endings and great economic opportunity” is what I imagine Corey Belanger said after his now famous expedition with Grapes to snuff out discreet rub’n tugs in downtown mill complexes.  As it turns out, there’s this little project called Mill No.5 happening down there that nobody knew or heard about until now, thanks to Lewis and Clark.

As for the handjobs at Mill No.5, they’re probably not completely off the table but you’ll likely have to buy some artwork first.

The new Chief of Police is a Public Relations Tour de Force.  The City couldn’t look any better in the eyes of outsiders.  Images of gun battles and executions have faded to the background courtesy of a possible hooker who officially had too many Killer Millers.  Station morale is no doubt at an all-time high.  And as if there weren’t enough winners in this one; it looks like Mayor Elliott will most definitely be able to deliver on his campaign promise to hire new cops…anywhere from 3-5, I suppose.

Congrats to Councilor Grapes Mercier.  The only thing that I understood from what she was telling us last evening is that she recently adopted Dave Daly, and loves him like a son.  I’m pretty sure she thinks that he actually drives the ambulances.

Also, if you still wonder the reasons (not related to the 21st amendment) why Grapes tops the ticket every two years, take a look what she’s mustered since I last chimed in:

Scuttled a Library Board appointment. (Unsuccessfully)

Establish Guidelines on what the Mayoral portrait should consist of. (Pending I suppose).

Is inspecting every pane of glass in the city for safety.

Paved way for a garden on the Christian Hill Res.

Discovered this new place called Mill No.5.

Repainting parking lines for her faithful constituents at the Senior Center.

Diaboliical.

Coaches Corner…Featuring City Legend Grapes Mercier: Mayoral Portraits

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 ““That picture is a beautiful picture. It just doesn’t fit in this setting. It belongs on his mantel in his home. It’s not a reality show, ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’ It’s not about turning your back to the public. It’s supposed to be about the person chosen to lead the City Council leading in a dignified way. Although there are no official rules in place, it’s a given.” – Coach Grapes Mercier

 

On Next Week’s episode of Coaches Corner, Grapes discusses the potential of German Cow farts knocking artwork of the walls at city hall.