Business in frontParty everywhere. Its a testament to the product quality that Dunk’s is able to land the caliber level of customers it does without a red carpet.
What is this guy’s superpower you ask? Invisibility? Clearly not. X-Ray vision? Unlikely. The ability to break up “six….ahhhh, actually seven” fights at Saturday’s Fleetwood Mac concert? You guessed it. (It was 3 fights, two stops ago, but you know how it goes with Superhero’s… you get super exaggeration too.) Hey, we all know how it goes with those Fleetwood Mac fans. They’re all just normal geriatrics, complaining about the weather and speed limits being too high, until they hear the base lick in the middle of “The Chain” and they lose their minds. Its like some sort of tribal call to arms. One would have to imagine it was a scary scene. “The ush’ahs were piss’n demselves. Thank God I wuz they’ah.” (Translation: “Just went on instinct, No weapons needed.”)
And here he is two days later warming the purple seats on the commuter rail with the rest of us mortals, with hardly a scratch on him. And unlike most superhero’s, who are all usually guarded and introverted when they’re not saving the world, he was extremely forthcoming. For instance, we learned that he just acquired a pet Red Tail Boa, that he temporarily named “Destroyer.” (Temporarily? Like he’s going to come up with something better than Destroyer?) And haven’t you all wondered what superheroes order at Dunkin?!? Well, you’re in luck. This superhero runs on a “Great One” Hot Chocolate with a Turbo shot…which demonstrates a palette and stomach lining that is operating on a super human level. Clearly this man has no weakness. (Save for the onset of Type 2 diabetes or the eventual wrath of Destroyer the snake.)
Nothing takes a bigger dump on the morning quite like a faulty Dunks cup. Sure, the coldwar era styrofoam keeps the bevy warm, but it doesn’t stand up to the viking grip of the women who pours my coffee. You either have to go paper, or stop letting the rectangular folks pour the coffee.
Does anyone have Jackie Chiles’ number or a good balm?