I Beat Dan/#Haiku will be late


Hi all,
It’s late Friday and ordinarily at this time I would calmly be counting syllables. However, after a night of soul searching through Narragansett’s at The Safe, UchARTed, and The Zorba Room I had to decide what was really important to me.

A few days ago I rode the Bruce Freeman trail four times and then just for added measure decided to throw in a ride through down town. It would have been a peaceful little jaunt, but there’s this thing called ‘Strava,’ an ap which makes even the humblist monk-like bike rider want to compete on the Rosie Ruiz level. Strava has a thing called “King of the Mountain,” a title given to any member of the cycling community who can run whatever small stretch of road that might be in the quickest time. Dan “Tobes” Tobin WAS the King of the Mountain for downtown stretch of Merrimack Street from the canal to Edible Arrangements. I had to beat him.
I don’t know what time of time of day Tobes went out there, but I’m guessing it wasn’t 2 a.m. No, he probably went out there at some “reasonable” hour when there might be traffic. Forget that stuff,
The traffic is lighter in the early morning. That’s the best time to strike. I beat my co-blogger by two seconds. I took out an orphan’s eye with the cork from the champagne bottle. It was a fun night. The haiku thing will be late though. Sorry.

The future of Bicycle Advocacy. #bikecity

Don’t be confused by the language, as this isn’t actually in Lowell.  The tell is the pristinely painted bicycle lane and the vehicle itself isn’t a massive Tahoe with a “Re-elect Mayor Elliott sticker” on it.  But that’s neither here nor there, because what we’re watching here is the future of bicycle advocacy.  Brute force.  This gentleman will not only single handedly improve the cycling experience for his community, but no longer will the stereo type of cyclists be one of ill-fitting outfits, and a build that requires all altercations be settled through tersely worded, anonymous notes left on peoples cars.  Wherever this guy is, we need to hunt him down and make him an offer he can’t refuse.

FACT: Naked Cycling without a boner is just really weird exercise.

Naked Cycling

Mirror UK- Police were forced to intervene in a naked cycling event – after reports one of the riders got ‘overexcited’.

The ‘aroused’ cyclist was pulled aside and put his jeans back on before being spoken to by officers.

Organisers of the World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR) said the rider was removed before the ride started in Canterbury, Kent, on Saturday.

The naked rides, which take place in cities and towns around the world, are organised to highlight the dangers cyclists face from cars.

Participants are permitted to cycle naked but must adhere to strict rules.

One witness said: “Everyone was taking their clothes off to get ready for the ride. I heard gasps and I turned around – it was a horrible sight.

“It’s fair to say he was overexcited and got aroused. It looked like he was enjoying the event a bit too much.

“One of the organisers went over to him and told him to put his trousers on while speaking on a walkie-talkie to police.

“The man looked sheepish when he was spoken to by the police.”

No boners?!?!  Fuck that noise.  Per the USNCAA, the governing body of naked cycling and archery, all riders must be sporting a minimum 35 degree semi at all times to participate in naked cycling.  Rules are rules, fellas. The world of naked cycling does not need any cowboys with their Stalin-esque “no boner” policies, it simply grades against the spirit of the sport…which everyone knows is the purest form of the sport of cycling.  You ever see Lance Armstrong competing in Naked Cycling?  That’s because the entire world, and Cheryll Crow, knows it is chemically impossible for Lance to cross the finish line with a credibly taught victory flag flying. No doping.  Pure unadulterated Integrity!  That’s what naked cycling is about.  And also gross bodies.  Integrity and gross bodies! Boners aren’t just welcome, they’re mandatory.

Back Off in #Haiku. 10/27/14.



Obama and crew.
Can’t guard border or White House.
Disease will walk in.

Chelmsford tax rate.
Highest in the area.
Poor choices last long.

Chelmsford financials.
Enigma or conundrum?
Fired teachers won’t say.

Too many skateboards.
Bring back Mill City Mounties.
That’s cost effective.

Downtown regular.
Nobody uses bikelanes.
[Downtown has no lanes]

Some vets don’t talk much.
But Scott Brown won’t stop talking.

Robert Breest guilty.
DNA just shows two guys.
Helpers tend to help.

Back Off in #Haiku. 10/24/14.



Don’t blame Connector.
The highway ends with warnings.
Drivers fail to yield.

Bike kids on sidewalks:
Old folks will hit you with canes.
Out on your asphalt.

Half a million short.
Twice in the past ten years.
Schools should do the math.

Stop sign was yellow.
Wife given pre-writ ticket.
[Aren’t most of them red?]


Wheely’s Coffee Bike in Lowell? #BIKECITY

Ummm…so do I quit my job now and get on my Wheely or do I wait for the masses to arrive when Corey Belanger moves LHS out of town? I mean, I don’t want to be the guy that puts Andy Jacobson out of business. But let’s be honest, I pretty much already own the bike lanes. I’ve got an intoxicating personality. And I will pedal that Box of Joe anywhere. I will come to you…as long as you don’t live in Centralville. (We can all agree that Centralville is the Bermuda Triangle for Bikes and large denominations of cash, right?) I’ll live for my customers. I’ll even go as far as sourcing a little “extra kick” aka pure Columbian Arabica if you know what I mean, for all you caffeine junkies (which will probably mean I will have to go to Centralville). As I said, I will live for my customers.

Tis’ the season. #BIKECITY

Here’s Martha’s Vineyard native Lucas Brunelle’s “Line of Site” film featuring the best of the best in Global Alley Cat racers. These guys are amazing.

Why am I posting this? Because my hog is just about ready for the season. It’s going to be me, @marianika, and all of Mill City’s finest DUI convicts roll’n heavy in the bike lanes. Make sure you beep or give me one of those truck driver fist pumps out the window…it makes me pedal faster. Boom…#BIKECITY

And if you’re thinking about joining the pedal posse, but need gear or tune-ups, consider paying a visit to the lads down at City Bike


or if your a tinkerer/DIY’er…Lowell Makes has the rig you need to get the job done.


At what point did all of Europe become a bunch of Vajay’s???

Seriously? Our biking “infra” isn’t up to European standards? Good. The last thing we need over here is a bunch of timid Dutchmen clogging up our one, unprotected bike lane. Hey Hans, Sorry we all can’t pedal across the mass of our country in 45 minutes. Our GDP relies on our chubby asses bending the struts on a Honda Civic 5 times a week. As far as I’m concerned, we’re doing just fine in the bike infrastructure department. It keeps our game face sharp and our focus strong. It keeps us from turning into soft Norwegians who can’t take a hill…

PS. You ever wonder what a world without Comcast looks like? Trondheim, Norway.

Double PS. I wouldn’t be disappointed if someone installed one of these on Hovey Street.

h/t to Jack Mitchell.