Creatures of the Lowell Line

The US Secret Service confirmed today that it is investigating a man who allegedly impersonated a Secret Service agent on an MBTA commuter rail in an attempt to avoid a fare.

“We’re aware of the incident and we are investigating it,” Special Agent in Charge Stephen Marks told “Impersonating a federal agent or officer is a crime… we’re taking the report seriously [and] looking to get to the bottom of it.”

Richard Sullivan, lieutenant detective with the MBTA Transit police’s special crimes unit, confirmed that the transit police are also investigating the incident. Sullivan said that the investigation is ongoing.

“We have had communication with the US Secret Service—Boston office relative to the video,” Sullivan told “I’m confident that the gentleman alleging to be a federal agent does not possess such status.”

Did this really go down on the Lowell line?  I ask you this, does this stuff NOT go down on the Lowell Line every single day?  You give me a day that ends in “Y” and I’ll give you at least one incident of a dude trying to get out of the fare.  Secret Service Agent?  Not even in the top 5.  I  saw a guy crawl into the portal to hell known as the train toilet and emerge halfway to Woburn, only to find a patiently waiting conductor (Some bird totally narced on him).  When asked for a ticket, the guy claimed he was on the previous train into Boston, experienced a “seve-ah diarrhea attack” and couldn’t dethrone in time for the next trip.    Needless to say, that ride was on the State.  Nobody in history has ever debunked an explanation that involved diarrhea.  It’s bullet proof.

Wanted: Clean cut, sober (appearing) individuals to join me in Lowell’s Bike lanes.

20130806-071646.jpg(Yes, that’s my LRTA bike rack buddy.)

Let’s be honest, Lowell is not exactly Copenhagen yet with respect to bike traffic. We went to the trouble of painting these fancy lines that to this point, are doing more to confuse elderly drivers than promoting safe pedal commuting.

It’s getting lonely out there folks. I could use some company. I’m not asking for a peloton escort to the train station. I’m just thinking it would be nice for friends and acquaintances to see me out there and not assume I got a DUI in the last 6th months. Don’t do it for the environment. Don’t do it for your love handles, or your wallet. Do it for me.