Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A 20-year-old Lowell man is facing a total of 42 charges, including vandalism and discharging a BB gun, after police say he went on a shooting spree in the Belvidere section of the city earlier this month, damaging the windows of 20 cars and a number of homes. The suspect also allegedly shot a bystander outside a Dunkin’ Donuts.

In Lowell District Court on Tuesday, Aren Eaton was ordered held on $250 cash bail after pleading not guilty to discharging a BB gun (21 counts), vandalizing property (19 counts), malicious destruction of property over $250, and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.

While prosecutor Phil Chen asked for $5,000 cash bail, noting all the damage Eaton allegedly caused driving around on Feb. 8, defense attorney Melissa Devore asked for personal recognizance, noting Eaton has a 4-year-old child and another child on the way.

42 counts with a BB gun in one night?  This kid doesn’t belong on trial…he belongs on a medal stand.  Do you know how hard it is to hit anything with a BB gun?  If we can get him a couple cross country skiing lessons and perhaps a relative to pinch hit for his demanding parental obligations, we’ve got a biathlon gold in 2018.

PS.  The Lowell police should just starting finger printing in the nursery at Lowell General.  Did anyone there see “Aren” show up on a birth certificate and not think that this young cherub would someday be spraying BB’s all over Belvidere?

Double PS. How we haven’t gated Belvidere yet is beyond me?  If Halloween on Andover Street doesn’t convince you, the fact that “Aren’s” DNA is going roaming free for years to come should.

Triple PS.  It will be hard for a jury of peers to convict someone with such an awesome chinstrap beard.