To the Poopetrator…”we speak your name.”

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Yale Daily News

In the late evening of Sept. 7, Lucy Fleming ’16 opened the dryer in the Saybrook College laundry room to an unpleasant surprise.
Her clothes were soiled with human feces, and it took the physical delivery of the excrement to the Saybrook Master’s Office to catch administrators’ attention.
In the past several weeks, an unknown individual or group, who students have dubbed the ‘poopetrator,’ has repeatedly defecated in students’ laundry, leaving many fearful about the safety of their clothes. After an additional episode was reported on Sept. 26, Saybrook Master Paul Hudak announced that Yale Police has officially joined the investigation and is seeking further information. h/t to @mahklynch for sending this my way.

I now know exactly how Gru felt when he learned that someone stole the Pyramid of Giza. Considering the expiration of the statute of limitations and a 1,000 mile difference between me and most of my fellow college classmates, I can now reveal myself as the elusive Chicagoland “Bathroom Bandit.” Much in the way that Wesley became one of a long line of infamous Dread Pirate Roberts in the Princess Bride, I was chosen by an outgoing senior to continue to wear the mask of the bathroom bandit. The gig mostly involved sneaking into communal bathrooms and laying waste to resting toiletries, and exiting undetected…not before leaving the now famous mark of the bandit, a double “BB” written in shaving cream.

But clearly there’s a new sheriff in town. The Poopetrator is making the run of The Bandit look like the NFL before the incorporation of the forward pass. Pooping in the laundry? Pure Genius. The combination of carnage and “can-do” is otherworldly. Anyone can drop a deuce in a top loader, but it takes a pro’s pro to take on a laundromat style front loader. No “BB” necessary here. When you see a pile gross clothes and a few soiled bounce sheets, you know…the Poopetrator was here.

PS. Don’t think the I haven’t considered that the Poopetrator isn’t the creation of some embarrassed Yaley that doesn’t want to admit to his buddies that he lost control.