Category Archives: Uncategorized

01.01.19
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Bag Ban. Day 1.

The expected bagpocalypse has yet to arrive. Tribal elders believe that this is because many of those expected to be affected are still hungover. The greatest fear currently is not about today or tomorrow. The concern is about Sunday with a one o’clock game. The concern is about Thursday with its minor chance of flurries. How will the lines be? Will people make it home in time? Will people make it home at all? The fear and the tension are as high as the river. So… kind of high, but not too too high. On average. Lot of outliers though.

03.27.18
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Back Off In Haiku: 3/21/18

Please note: the following poems are translated from angry phone calls to a newspaper. The translator is not responsible for whatever the point (if any) of the caller might have been.

Cawley was too far
Now they want Six Gun City?
All kinds of crazy

City Manager
Drives a Crown Victoria
A badge is missing

Donations refused
Library doesn’t want books
Homeless Harlequins

Too many weapons
Kids learn through video games
Neglectful parents

Beach front property
Million dollar moron house
We all subsidize

White people need rights
Or at least a support group
Not just NRA

Too many condos
No one moves to Tewksbury
Building a ghost town

11.03.17
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And they’re at it again…

Vote No on 1

We’ll keep this blog up for the next few days just to allow these two groups of totally sane people to reach the voters who are undecided on this high school issue, so that they can be informed while still not showing up to vote.   We’ll happily post any material, or propaganda that hits the inbox.

06.02.17
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Back Off in #Haiku. 5/31/17

[Please note: these poems are translated from phonecalls received and published by a newspaper with some dedicated reporters and some interesting readers. The translator is not responsible for whatever the original caller was trying to say].



5/31/17, Lowell Sun

President weighed down.

Dems won’t let him make changes.

Our savior cries out.


Too soon for voting.

Council needs “time to reflect.”

Votes up for auction

Roger is no more.

We are all shaken and stirred.

He did other stuff

Ball caps worn backwards.

The fashion of the young ones.

I am not impressed.

Councilor’s mind changed

A question of influence

Option Three feels cold

Attorney Gen’ral

Never at any crime scene.

Suspicions arise

New history books

Text replaced with clickbait lists

Clintons both losers

11.25.16
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Back Off in #Haiku. Nov 25, 2016

[Please note: these were translated from angry phonecalls which were transcribed by some poor bastard in the deep bowels of an old sweatshop. I performed these translations for close to two years before the redundancy of the task made me question many of the choices I’ve made in life. The process itself has enlightened me to the inner feelings and an awareness of the decrepitation process. I fear that soon I too, much like the callers, will be yearning for a day when I have a lawn so that I may yell at children to get off of it. This will never again be an every day thing, but sometimes pain helps to remind us. Happy Holidays.]

Stop crying you losers.
Donny won and time moves on
Never heard us whine.

Results cause sadness.
But solace comes from one source:
Trump won’t be my fault.

Medals of Freedom.
Given out like cheap candy.
Dignity comes soon.

Governor Baker:
“I’ll fight for sanctuaries.”
Voters move along.

I’m Republican.
Electoral College must go.
My Mass vote should count.

Learn English you punks.
You were born in this country.
No more excuses.

Donny’s little swamp.
His friends think it’s a hottub.
He’ll never drain it.