With the 10 overall pick, the Tower News Taliban selects Van Pech.
Tobes: You see him as Van Pech. I see him as Van “Pecs.” He’s not just a candidate for counsel, he’s a global brand. He’s Prestige Worldwide…without the “prestige”. He won’t ask for your votes, his agent will demand them.
I probably don’t need the fantasy value at this point, this pick is about making life a little easier for the TNT marketing department. Van PECH!…Pech…pech…pech…pech…
Ned’s Take: Boats and Ho’s…Let’s see Rita pull off Boats and Ho’s.
With the 9th overall pick, the Tower News Taliban selects Stacy Hargis.
Tobes: So at this point, Mark is throwing darts and Frank is obviously cocked and all-in on Halloween. Should we just go ahead and engrave the trophy now? How does Hargis fall to me at 9? She’s intelligent, well spoken, and clear in her mission…which in Lowell is worth enough votes to get you 15th place…aka 15 points for the TNT. “That’s Lowell in a nutshell.” Meanwhile we’ll keep sending Rita back to city hall because she’ll bury garbage men at the summit of Drum Hill if they forget to pick up your recycling bin….but it pretty much ends there. Here’s hoping she finds a way to join DMitch’s peloton on it’s way to a triumphant Tuesday.
At the very least, it will be nice to have her in the lockeroom as someone Rodney can bounce his Women’s Rights ideas off of.
Ned’s take: But Rita raps, Tobes! Seriously, is Rap’n Rita the most overrated occurance in Lowell Political history? Probably the worst freestyle I’ve ever heard. No rhythm, poetry, shit talk’n. Terrible. Even Kobe Bryant thought it sucked. Yet for some reason, it was a sexual experience for the Lowell Sun news room. They almost collectively brought down Tout for an hour.
With the eight overall pick, Uncle Joey’s Banana bread selects Genevieve Doyle.
Mark: I gotta be honest, I threw at a dart board and it came up Doyle. Unfortunately for me it wasn’t Fred. I actually went to middle school with a younger Genevieve Doyle. She was a couple of years ahead of me and from what I remember…loud and bossy. I should have read the tea leaves and assumed she would no doubt one day run for city council. It’s about as prestigious position as it gets for “loud and bossy” from Centraville. Is she a dark horse? Yes. Vegas and offshore books alike have her at nothing less than 1000-1 for a triumphant Tuesday. But when you throw heat at a list on a dart board, sometimes you roll snake eyes…or whatever the darts equivalent is. I got nothing else so enjoy some Bruce Willis.
Ned’s Take: if Mr and Mrs Mark ever renew their vows, whoever assembles the IPhoto montage for them better include this Bruce Willis video.
As for Genevieve…it’s the 6th round, right? Great pick.
With the seventh overall pick, Frank’s Shanks selects Corey Belanger
Frank McCabe: This pick may surprise a few, but it shouldn’t. It’s Corey’s time. Had an incredible minor league career and is amped and ready for the ‘Bigs’. Corey adds a new dimension to Frank’s Shanks; an added edge one might say. That edge? He owns a bar. Every great team needs to know how to unwind and celebrate success. Corey will be that player that gathers our squad – in victory and defeat – and provide those much needed libations to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back at it. What the hell am I saying? I don’t know. Oh, one other advnatage, CB is strongly endorsed by a couple of Lowell, eh hem, heavy weights named ‘Bach’ and ‘Cali’. I bet Van Pech can’t make the same claim? Of course, we may need to change our team names to Major’s…and our motto to Four Lowell, From Lowell…One Lowell? I don’t know?
I am hoping Corey will bring this type of leadership and wreckless enthusiasm to Frank’s Shanks and the City of Lowell.
Ned’s Take: I think this is the point in the draft where Frank’s family sits him down and reads him letters of support. Fantasy points are out the window. We’re strictly measure blood alcohol content for the Shanks from here on out.
Capping Round 2 with the sixth overall pick, Frank’s Shanks select longtime Lowell pol Bill Martin.
Frank: Billy has been around the proverbial block – as mayor as well as incumbant City Councilor – for a long time. Truthfully, I don’t know a lot about Bill Martin (nor local political fantasy drafts for that matter). But odds are Frank’s Shanks will be attending numerous Halloween parties together this week, a venue where I require my team to excel. My Scouting Team (Lowell Sun Column) rates Mr, Martin as a five tool player in that regard. With Danny Ballgame’s JV Basketball groupies already in tow, we’ll be unstoppable.
Most importantly, Halloween is tomorrow. I think the SOFC fan-base would appreciate his versatility. Like it or not, Billy, you kinda make a pretty good Frankenstein stunt double. So, after some exhaustive research, I did dig up a video of “Bill ” dancing at a recent political fundraiser; guessing it was Fred Doyle’s party. Spanking the planks are what Frank’s Shanks are all about (as well as rhyming, apparently).
Ned’s Take: Spanking planks? That should be worth two points on its own.
With the fifth overall pick, Uncle Joey’s Banana Bread selects Vesna Nuon.
Mark Lynch: I’m not saying Vesna Nuon stole this girls cookie money, I’m not even saying Vesna Nuon’s even been to Tacoma. But the Banana Bread scouting department (the Lowell Sun) suggests an alleged track record of discretionary impropriety might yield a windfall of fantasy points come Nov 5th. The city closing apartment buildings, campaign finance misappropriations, late night parties with Mayor Murphy and his shady friend Pericles…is there no depth this man won’t stoop to? I don’t love this pick, I love the potential. I need to go and lay down. My second round pick an alleged code violating criminal mastermind. I’m in shock.
Ned’s Take: Rita and Vesna sitting next to each other in the clubhouse? Awesome draft so far Mark…(snickering)
With the fourth overall pick, the Tower News Taliban selects Rodney Elliott.
Tobes: Did I just do that? Rowdy Roddy Elliott joins the Taliban and we couldn’t. be happier. Sure, my blogging brethren will paint him as a guaranteed lockeroom cancer, but I couldn’t disagree more. I think of Roddy as the James Harrison of the council candidates. To outsiders, he’s grumpy head hunter in the middle of the field (heads Up Bernie). But behind the scenes, he’s the first in the weight room and the last to leave. A pro’s pro. And once he gets a taste of one of D’Mitch’s IPA’s, he’ll loosen up a bit. I’ll take those guaranteed 2nd place points to the bank.
Ned’s Take: I’m willing to bet Rodney Elliott has never lifted a weight in his life. Total reach by Tobes. Most mock drafts had Rodney going last round to Uncle Joey’s Banana Bread.
Brown University? They’ve got one of those in Providence, you know.
With the third overall pick, the Tower News Taliban selects Derek Mitchell.
Tobes: I can’t believe Derek Mitchell is still sitting here at #3. It makes me think my opponents didn’t read the scoring, or didn’t understand it (Mark’s a Voke grad). The guy brings nothing but value on top of value. 14 points as a 14 seed, and only like 7 people voted in September. Am I afraid that Fred Doyle and his extra chromosome thinks that the undergraduate program at Brown is garbage? Nope. Am I afraid that the Lowell Sun (despite an endorsement!?!?) regularly misinterprets his campaign points? Nope. Am I afraid that he didn’t grow up with me IN Lowell? Of course not. Think about the people we grew up with? They’re almost all assholes. So I am banking on the literate/gainfully employed portion of the voting population to show up on Nov 5 in droves and get this guy a seat. Welcome aboard Derek Mitchell.
Ned’s Take: Behind the scenes, Tobes is convinced that Derek Mitchell is the type of guy that always has strange IPA’s in the fridge and that to him is an indicator for success. I think he borrowed Fred Doyle’s extra chromosome.
Uncle Joey’s Banana Bread 2nd overall pick- Rita Mercier
Mark Lynch: Where do you begin with Rita Mercier? Guaranteed 1st place finish. No doubt about it. She gives you an honest answer right or wrong, and often times unvarnished. You can’t hate that. She’s fashion forward in the council chambers, and if you call her house or see her on the street she’ll take the time to actually get back to you. Plus she freaking rapped at one of those cockamamie candidate forum nights. I don’t care what the birds over at LiL think/say/wish will happen on election day, guaranteed first place finish. You can’t find a Vegas book that even has it on the board. Plus, the extra 15 points to top it off puts me out in the lead. I traded for her last time and I think that’s the reason my last team Fuji Vice won the whole f’n thing. So now there’s only one thing left to do, go out there and win the whole f’n thing. Again.
Ned’s Take: Adrian Peterson falling to the 2nd pick is grounds for getting kicked out of any fantasy league. This may be worse.
With the first pick of the 2013 Sons of Franky (by the way boys, “Franky” is spelled “Frankie” – nice work, idiots) Cabot Lowell City Council Draft, Frank’s Shanks selects Dan Rourke
Frank McCabe: I am pleased to draft City Council hopeful Dan “Danny Ballgame” Rourke in the first round. Danny Boy should be a sure fire winner at the voting polls next week after finishing a strong 4th in the primary election. Dan has fought a long hard campaign and I believe he is a perfect selection and deserving of the top pick. With long and strong politcal accumen in his D.N.A. (well, at least Tipa anyway), D.A.N. is a probable and worthy choice that deserves your support on November 5th. I graduated from Lowell High School with Dan and can say without hesitation that as a senior he was one of the top 7-8 Junior Varsity basketball players. They don’t call him ‘Ball Game’ for nothing. In fact, when I was going throug the (Ball) Game film before the draft I found this vintage footage of Dano. If he can exhibit this kind of focus and determination while on the Council, I think it is safe to say we all win.
Ned’s Take: Frankie McCabe goes off the grid on the first round…obviously he didn’t buy any City Council Fantasy Draft preview magazines. As for Franky with a “Y”, well we asked MLB Superstar Chone Figgens what he thought of the variation and he approved. Good enough for me.