Back Off in #Haiku. June 1-6, 2015

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[Please note: Friday night/Saturday morning I decided to call in sick for this job. A couple of friends picked up my slack and they’re given credit. Remember: they’re just translators/messengers. Don’t shoot them.]

Backtalk: 6/1/2015

Donate all your time.
It’s what we expect of you.
Private sector does.

Peals on the sidewalk.
Staple of old slapstick flicks.
Keep that off my lawn.

Why they say “lucked out”?
Luck is what you fell into.
Confusion sets in.

Alien nation
Stealing billions of my cash
Come work for me now
~S Jacque Antonaccio

Backtalk: 6/2/2015
(by Felicia Sullivan)

Three police officers
One Mammoth Road hole to watch
Three too much me thinks

Bad pet owner’s fault
Courts too packed because of them
Give Chelmsford a break

Property eyesore
Dracut Manager should fine
Too much dough needed

Greedy teachers, yes
They don’t care for Dracut’s kids
Cash is all they want

Irish approve gay marriage
cuts off nose to spite their faith
Broken vows I say

You have a narrow mind
Dracut moralist. I say
To be open is good.

Backtalk 6/3/15.
(back to Ratbas)

Prez doesn’t listen.
That’s why advisers won’t stay.
Micromanager.

Military shoes.
Why aren’t they made locally?
Troops should support us.

Event was well-run.
Cancer walk went perfectly.
Totally impressed.

Outsourcing issues.
Aramark cleaners stole stuff.
Not really surprised.

Pay cops like doctors.
Without them we’re pretty screwed.
Same goes for teachers.

Backtalk: 6/4/2015

Leave Jenner alone.
That’s no one’s business but their’s.
Go find some real news.

Not that impressive.
Milton Berle also dressed up.
As well as Hoover.

Not really a cop.
You chase dogs for a living.
Get over yourself.

Big unemployment.
50 million on food stamps.
Prez says it’s all good.

Shelter is picky.
Only taking brand new clothes.
Tags need to be on.

Give him a minute.
He needs to find out something.
That’s funny to me.

Get a Trojan horse.
Put it in the park on North.
Good use for the park.

Natural gas cost.
Major reductions soon here.
National Grid sucks.

Took my kids away.
Gave them to a couple drunks.
Screw you DCF.

Backtalk: 6/5/2015

Lost my cleaning job.
Aramark guys stealing shit?
Laughing my ass off.

No Olympics here.
Transit system is a joke.
Just can’t handle it.

Finish construction.
I’m sure it’s a nice building.
Dirt piles block the view.

Girls helped our parade.
Little ones holding the signs.
Just adorable.

Don’t care if they’re kids.
Armed punks broke into my place.
Public shaming now.

John Kerry’s tough break.
I have a clever joke here:
He used training wheels.

Backtalk: 6/6/2015

Should have got the job.
I just don’t understand it.
He seemed qualified.

TV in my trash.
Somebody else put it there.
I’m gonna get fined.

Concord River bridge.
Need one for pedestrians.
Help them cross over.

Guessing it’s your kid.
You’re prob’ly a bad parent.
Good job DCF.

Drugs are expensive.
Seniors going without meds.
But addicts get them.

Sound Off

Monday, June 1, 2015

Heimlich maneuver.
Now called “Abdominal thrusts.”
Saved my husband’s life.

Can’t trust Hillary.
Family of corruption.
Voters’ denial.

Can we skip the drunks?
Don’t have to publish all posts.
Ramblers ruin it.

Free up tax money.
Abandon the freeloaders.
Stop taxing the rich.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Wish Hillary turned Right.
Then the press would attack her.
Lib’ral media.

The bomber boys.
Wasn’t about religion.
Didn’t bomb a church.

Temporary bridge.
What they need down in Cape Cod.
Say 14 lanes wide.

Charity at home.
Benefit for fallen cops?
Doesn’t help my town.

Privatize transit.
We don’t need transparency.
More shitty temp jobs.

I’m a Democrat.
But I love Mike Huckabee.
Stood up for Duggar.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

I lost my wallet.
Folks delivered to my door.
Wish I got your name.

That new hands-free law.
Why bother with casinos?
Big dough just from that.

John Kerry’s medals.
Don’t give him one for his leg.
Didn’t earn his Hearts.

Socialist Sanders.
Not in my America.
Go back to Vermont.

Back Off in #Haiku. 5/25-30th/15

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Backtalk: 5/27/2015

Blaming Obama.
Alt universe World War 2.
Respect the fallen.

Cemetery lawn.
Unmowed with leaves still present.
Unacceptable.

Weeds among tombstones.
Visitors ignoring blight.
Call in the bishops.

Tom isn’t in jail.
No sense trying to free him.
Move on with your lives.

Damn you Ireland.
Turning your back on the faith.
Where were the voters?

Backtalk: 5/28/2015

Trash fee proposal.
Money goes to school teachers.
They’re unqualified.

Global climate change.
Prez believes that’s the big threat.
I believe he is.

Officials grab balls.
They do this after each play.
Kind of makes me cough.

Cameo Diner.
35 years on Lakeview.
Go try an omelette.

Crosswalk near Dunkin’s.
Out by Dutton and Fletcher.
Add it to the plan.

Trapped in voice mail hell.
Only to find they’ve shut down.
Please say it sooner.

IRS is fine.
Nothing needs any fixing.
You’ll only break it.

Backtalk: 5/29/2015

Flags on their markers.
More important to our vets.
Don’t bitch ’bout the lawn.

’twas a bad winter.
Snow high as a giraffe’s arse.
Long recovery.

Saint Joseph’s looks good.
They weed whacked around the stones.
Very respectful.

Why own the bridges?
Sure they’re our infrastructure.
But they’re expensive.

You still can’t park there.
Shuttle spots aren’t parking spots.
Even after six.

Lock ATM door.
Makes it harder to rob folks.
Common sense to me.

Backtalk: 5/30/2015

Parade of sadness.
Only the drummer playing.
But traffic ran smooth.

Lexicon evolves.
Old words fall into disuse.
Changes come slowly.

Dog license issues.
Wasting the time of judges.
Drop the eye exam.

Spoilers would be nice.
Future caught me off my guard.
Changes I can’t make.

“Do not call” I said.
Signed up for that more than once.
Bastards have no souls.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

“Liberal bias”?
More like distancing itself.
The guy’s a scumbag.

Meter fee increase.
That will clear up the traffic.
No one will come here.

Dead boats are allowed.
But put liens for unmowed lawns.
Nothing but logic.

Killing is just wrong.
Not arguing about the cost.
That’s just counterpoint.

Losing discipline.
Drivers all act entitled.
And they look like bums.

Memorial Day.
Phillips Academy ran.
Too disrespectful.

Sound Off. Wednesday.

School greenhouse project.
Commendable idea.
But plastic scares me.

Wonderful turnout.
But couldn’t hear the speakers.
Amplified concerns.

One more committee:
The Committee Committee.
Creates committees.

Working on my boat.
I can do that in my yard.
Now mow your damn lawn.

Sound Off. Saturday.

Use stigma wisely.
Calling them “junkies” will help them.
Bad things should sound bad.

I hate your puppy.
Barking little shit machine.
Clean up after it.

Sanders and Clinton.
Right has two dozen losers.
Fresh blood would be nice.

Valuable art.
Why have it locked in a closet?
I’ll watch it for you.

Population growth.
All of it immigration.
We need more police.

Back Off in #Haiku. May 4-9, 2015

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[Please note: Two newspapers publish comments from people who call into their office. The Lowell Sun has someone who tries to make sense of those calls and runs a more coherent version. The Lawrence Eagle Tribune runs the caller’s entire message give or take the racial slurs. I then take what the papers publish and translate them into haiku. This week isn’t as good as last week, but here you go.
Love,
-Rat]

Back Talk. Monday. 5/4/15.

Appleton beggers.
Walks right up and knocks on cars.
Oughta be a law.

Why send a fire truck?
Guy just had a heart attack.
Hosing down won’t help.

Westminster Village.
Hotbed of sin and evil.
People oughta know.

Did it to himself.
That’s why he died in that van.
Not much of a loss.

McD’s dumps Ronald?
Two weeks shy of Red Nose Day?
They should grow a soul.

Obama blames cops.
Just for doing their damn job.
Stop breaking the laws.

Sound Off. 5/4/15

Worked for McDonald’s.
Way back in the seventies.
It was worth it then.

Marty makes money.
600k off of us.
Why school costs too much.

College is pricey.
Too much empty management.
Learn a trade instead.

Go ahead and move.
Tantrum over casinos?
Won’t miss your dumb ass.

Glad you found you dog.
But please take your fliers down.
Makes next one stand out.

Backtalk: 5/5/2015. Tuesday.

Dracut water deal.
Big meeting this Saturday.
Delayed notices.

Over reacting.
Heartburn doesn’t need fire trucks.
Ev’ry town does this.

Union owns Council.
Has them by the testicles.
Explains Rodney’s voice.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Sharpton and Soros.
Tax cheating friends of Barry.
Total corruption.

Salem casino.
High hopes were based on old news.
We all got wiser.

Israel’s history.
Involves lots and lots of wars.
Look up some of them.

Kids are expensive.
Stop letting them just move in.
Let’s keep school costs low.

Big guys hit big guys.
Hundreds of fights for low pay.
What boxing should be.

Backtalk: 5/6/2015

Dracut is white trash.
Ignore the lack of trailers.
They’re not Andover.

Olive Garden woes.
They need detail officers.
Wanna make a left.

Seriously man.
I just want my Endless Bowl.
Ain’t worth gettin’ killed.

Kent State Ohio.
Better parents would have helped.
Stupid protesters.

Sound Off. 5/6/2015

Tom’s no Patriot.
Patriots love their country.
Respect your leader.

We want casinos.
We’re going broke and need them.
Pretty straight forward.

Lived through Depression.
Hard work ain’t shit without jobs.
Some folks just got lucky.

Nurses are needed.
Why do the schools cut them first?
Kids are challenging.

Backtalk: 5/7/2015

Voted on Monday.
Controversy unnoticed.
Quiet election.

Peter Lucas fan.
Just expressing my fanhood.
My kind of writer.

Damn Marty Meehan.
Taking a big promotion.
Greedy ol’ sellout.

I’m not a racist.
I don’t like any looters.
Some lives don’t matter.

Six is more than two.
Triple the experience.
Must be corruption.

Backtalk: 5/8/2015

Pull your weight next time.
Maybe then you’ll get the job.
An example set.

Cost of gas is rigged.
They do it ev’ry summer.
Supplies haven’t changed.

Lucas and Malkin.
Nothing constructive offered.
Attacks without aim.

Varney Street landlord.
Legal issues should find him.
All I can ask for.

Backtalk: 5/9/2015

Brady should boycott.
Skip Roger Goodell’s party.
Champions are kings.

Cawley Stadium.
Disaster from snow dumping.
Repairs needed now.

Changing the venue.
Won’t help horse lady’s problems.
Word kind of got out.

Lib’ral media.
Hiding all the good stories.
Voters uninformed.

Sound Off. Saturday.

Can all sportswriters.
Attacking Saint Brady like that.
They hate his greatness.

Highway trees were cut.
Could have done a better job.
We look like the south.

Soros and Sharpton.
Got caught not paying taxes.
Stop blaming the Prez.

Don’t help illegals.
Why is the state doing this?
It ain’t fair or right.

Woolworth was beauty.
Don’t ruin it with classrooms.
Is nothing sacred?

Electric bill high.
We live in a mobile home.
Just doesn’t sound right.

 

Back Off in #Haiku. March 23-28. 2015

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Backtalk: 3/23/2015

Cops are always right.
Don’t break the law and you’re fine.
Media is wrong.

Defamation suit.
Three million bucks for his rep?
Not worth close to that.

One more business closed.
Hoping they’ll reopen soon.
Give them ink and love.

Didn’t call Netty.
Called Super Bowl champions.
Netty’s win mattered.

Billerica wants trade.
Making a call to Groton.
Switching idiots.

Dam Albuquerque.
Google in on what they have.
Pillows and plywood.

Sound Off. Monday.

We’re not all stupid.
Watching old cop shows makes me smart.
Wiki the Flynn Effect.

Take care of your own.
Can’t say I love our allies.
Enough with Israel.

Schools without teachers.
State of the art won’t mean much.
Improve the contracts.

We sign that man’s check.
Tell The Prez he works for us.
Not Iranians.

Backtalk: 3/24/2015

Billerica High School.
Cider Mill site might be good.
No need to rush it.

Defamation suit.
“Magnificent Ambersons.”
Flick with nice ending.

Open space is gone.
Replaced by ugly building.
Shenanigans etched.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Need tank for commute.
Potholes outnumber drivers.
Winter has moved on.

Retire Congressmen.
Twelve years decent reign.
Move on with your life.

Lower their pensions.
Cut their benefits in half.
House has it too good.

Ban all lobbying.
Corruption is not legal.
They need to go now.

Campaign donations.
Limit five hundred dollars.
Includes companies.

Unions are a scam.
Part of Lib’ral Agenda.
Don’t care ’bout workers.

Lib’ral Zuckerberg.
Demanding more immigrants.
Gets them from The Prez.

Zuck drives down wages.
Prez sends kids to Ferguson.
Unions in lockstep.

Keep teaching cursive.
Needed in the job market.
Contracts will be signed.

Smart folks join unions.
No reason for them not to.
Incompetents weeded.

Backtalk: 3/25/2015

Conservative map:
Kenya is in Hawaii.
Canada’s a state.

JFK Plaza.
Was once Little Canada.
A statue would be nice.

Selectman Dixon.
Fairly quiet on issues.
Trying to save job.

I don’t like Ted Cruz.
Probably won’t vote for him.
Just isn’t for me.

Sound Off. Wednesday.

Fill potholes with sand.
Salt-free in a burlap bag.
Inmates can do it.

Cops can fill potholes.
Driving around anyway.
Sounds like common sense.

Common enemies.
What unites us with Israel.
Love and support them.

Use death penalty.
It’s not for ev’rybody.
Just for real bad guys.

Leave Ted Cruz alone.
Racial tension not his fault.
Obama to blame.

Ban leadership PAC’s.
Especially Hillary’s.
Save America.

Congress moves slowly.
They protect their interests.
Benefits enjoyed.

One way trip to Mars.
Bunch of rock heads jumped on board.
They probably read.

Backtalk: 3/26/2015

Ethics Commission.
They said Phil did nothing wrong.
Move on with your lives.

New senior center.
Lights are on all day and night.
Hope it opens soon.

High wind knock barrels.
Trash flies in all directions.
Await the morning.

Construction season.
Butler School project starts soon?
Waiting anxiously.

Sound Off. Thursday.

Won’t come to senses.
President incapable.
Kerry even worse.

Does more harm than good.
Cruz might love America.
Hugs puppy to death.

The Prez gets a ‘C.’
Cruz and Putin both flunk out.
Enough black-and-white.

Letter unnoticed.
Big uproar over Iran’s.
Prez got same letter.

Rates remain higher.
We were told it was just winter.
Winter came and went.

Addictions are bad.
People shouldn’t pick them up.
Lives become ruined.

Backtalk: 3/27/2015

UML hockey.
Screwed by NC double A.
Midwest unneeded.

Obama spending.
Debt increased to eighteen tril.
Your winter comes soon.

Unions brought in late.
Deval’s way to screw Baker.
Financial burden.

Hillary’s email.
Really truly bothers me.
Was her biggest fan.

Sound Off. Friday.

Prez doesn’t read this.
You complaints won’t reach target.
Visit The White House

Heat down in winter.
AC lower in summer.
Find middle ground.

Ted Cruz will save us.
Obama’s the extremist.
No harm from shut down.

Life is challenging.
There are no simple answers.
Lobbying is speech.

Term limits won’t help.
Experience should be valued.
House full of rookies.

Backtalk: 3/28/2015

Keep it where it is.
Lowell High belongs downtown.
Nothing is broken.

Not much media.
But The Sun covered our vets.
Thank-you for coming.

Execute Bergdahl.
We would have in the old days.
Punish deserters.

Five entire decades.
George’s Delicatessen.
Quality endures.

Back Off in #Haiku. 1/19-1/24/15

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[Please note. The Lawrence paper changed their format so things might have gotten scrambled. Sorry.]

Backtalk: 1/19/2015

Fuel fluctuations.
Show vulnerability.
We’re at their mercy.

Damn that Obama.
Health care and education?
Nothing but evil.

Liz Warren is fake.
Not even really Tribal.
Harvard should know that.

Chelmsford house cleaning.
Whole school administration.
Starting from the top.

Season is over.
Decorations should come down.
Santa came and went.

The Prez is Muslim.
He’s way to laid back ’bout things.
That’s what they’re known for.

Prez hates this country.
Common core ruined the schools.
Smarten up morons.

Tiano should quit.
Went to England for the DoE.
The problems are here.

Tyngsboro roads suck.
The Sun’s article was right.
Can’t wait for paving.

Sound Off, Monday Jan 19

Protest on highway.
Brought to you by Occupy.
Liberal elite.

Heroin issues.
Epidemic proportions.
Don’t legalize weed.

Jail the drug dealers.
Why aren’t they just doing that?
That’d save a few lives.

Drug dealers hate work.
Laziest bastards alives.
Time to start hustling.

Obama hates Christ.
Plus freedom guns and police.
He’s a terrorist.

Lock up drunk drivers.
Nobody ever does that.
Sentence all addicts.

Mayor of Haverhill.
Access station firings.
Malarkey afoot.

Smoke means big huge flames.
Public Access is burning.
Shawn Regan reports.

Baby formula.
Stolen with what intentions?
Starving babe or drugs?

Sound Off, Tuesday

Romney got it right.
Half the country doesn’t work.
We ain’t your mommy.

Government payees.
Lots of retirees and vets.
Mitt hates this country.

Salem High leaders.
Upset about bad rating.
Chastise kids for same.

Haverhill library.
New director now in place.
Thievery should stop.

Gas prices vary.
Shop around and save a bit.
Haffner’s supports you.

Sound Off Wednesday

Pick one of your kin.
Tell them you don’t like taxes.
And you’d rather they die.

Cosby’s innocent.
‘Victims’ took their sweet ass time.
Like they’re traumatized.

If I was like robbed.
I’d tell the police right quick.
Cosby’s innocent.

Timberland’s Metzler.
Got into some big program.
Hacks will do his job.

Stadium needed.
Methuen’s is crumbling down.
Old folks need to pee.

Democrats’ blame game.
Always bring up the Tea Party.
They’re not relevant.

Lib’ral media.
Always making us look bad.
We’re not obstructing.

This Prez won’t play nice.
Just gonna keep screwing us.
He’s the divider.

Dumb Kool Aid drinkers.
I will say this like a chant.
Irony be damned.

Cars park in fire lane.
And take up handicap spots.
Never get tickets.

Baby formula.
Stolen due to street value.
There’s no starving kids.

Use water cannons.
That should remove protesters.
We have laws dammit!

My clothes won’t fit me.
I’m blaming those Chinese kids.
We need more sizes.

Pentucket Scool board.
No ‘World class education.’
Ignore letterhead.

Victims often wait.
Doesn’t mean they weren’t attacked.
Plenty of reasons.

Prez is desperate.
Tax the rich despite loopholes.
They’ll find a way out.

Brady ain’t that good.
Field goal kickers won those Bowls.
Still a good guy though.

Soren Monclova.
Robbed pizza shop at gun point.
Without a license.

Backtalk: 1/22/2015

Taxes going up.
The 47 percent?
They should start paying.

Grocery prices.
Market Basket increases.
We need a Wegman’s.

Don’t fight the pipeline.
Only adds to legal fees.
Bend over and take it.

George Landfill owners.
Lots of taxes owed to town.
High school needs new roof.

School Department steals.
Less money left for road work.
Drop those thieving bums.

Chelmsford should start fresh.
We’re just a sad small city.
School needs drawing boards.

Backtalk: 1/23/2015

Strict gun laws in France.
40 percent fewer deaths.
We can’t lecture them.

Stop taxing the rich.
It just isn’t fair to them.
Hit up the lazy.

More than skin color.
Not your main identity.
Show some character.

Tiano should leave.
Take all his cronies with him.
I don’t want him here.

1st Amendment’s dumb.
Let’s people say some mean things.
Leave the gods alone.

Backtalk: 1/24/2015

Rep Marc Lombardo.
Having more closed-door meetings.
Wants transparency.

MB prices up.
Food quality still down.
Blame the bonuses.

Gas prices went up.
Righties blamed the President.
Thank him when they drop.

“Drill baby drill” chants.
Sarah Pailin got it right.
Give her some credit.

Civil War cannons.
Lowell Cemetery lot.
Kids should field trip that.

Saturday Sound Off

Underinflated.
How I handle my ego.
This is about me.

Patriots are bad.
More evil than the Yankees.
Feeling deflated.

Abortion protest.
Started as a peaceful march.
Doesn’t get covered.

Hold off on station.
Casino money comes soon.
We’ll buy safety then.

Lawrence town Council.
Too embarrassing to watch.
Let’s vote for grown ups.

Ariana Grande spits in the eye of romance, and the entire City of Lowell

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Gawker.com

Lil’ Miss Ponytail Ariana Grande has an, ahem, enthusiastic fan from Massachusetts: a 29-year-old man named Tim Normandin. Tim sent Ariana a 42.5-pound pumpkin for Halloween. Ariana sent Tim the cops.
According to TMZ, “police in Lowell, MA paid a visit to the home of 29-year-old Tim Normandin after Ariana’s record label complained the guy was sending Ariana a slew of packages.” The list of gifts shows that Tim has no problem clearing out the frickin’ mall—in addition to the pumpkin, he’s sent:

• Eight (8) Yankee candles
• a 3-piece mirror set from Kmart
• a $200 anklet from Kay Jewelers
• a rock from the White Mountains of New Hampshire
• AND
• an unspecified number of dog and cat calendars

Cops told Tim that he’ll face criminal harassment charges if he doesn’t stop sending Ari all this crap. Tim says he’s not gonna stop sending her all this crap.

Hey Ariana Grande, how about showing a little appreciation for the gesture?  Out of all the guys in Lowell that could bestow gifts upon you, you got the most romantic dude among us.   Yankee Candles, 45 pound pumpkins, non-edible jewelry from Kay Jewelers…what an embarrassment of riches.  The #2 ranked “most romantic guy in the city” is my buddy Dunny, and he makes his wife bring, and carry her own cooler when they go on dinner dates to Browns.

So let’s tap the brakes on the whole calling the cops thing and maybe acknowledge the effort.  If not for the reputation of young Timmy Normandin, how about doing it the little elves that stuff all that magic into the Balsam & Cedar and Mulling Spices tumblers, out at the Yankee Candle Factory.  Or the exhausted guy at FedEx that had to lug that dumb f’n pumpkin across the country just so you could let it rot on the door step.  Or the greatest jewelry salesman ever to walk this planet over at Kay Jewelers that must have sold his soul to convince a guy to buy the first “anklet” since Service Merchandise folded their tent.    As far I am concerned, your rejection of Timmy is a rejection of us all, and I won’t stand for it.  Fahhhhk You!

What you should realistically expect to hear from Roger Goodell….

nflcrimes

pic from mediacriminaljustice.blogspot.com

I’m not posting the video as it’s depressingly savage…if not the punch, the image of Ray waiting for the doors to open to drag his unconscious fiancé off the elevator.  If you’re curious, it can be found everywhere but here.   

At this point, you’ve got to be wondering, “How omnipotent is the NFL shield? ” Like society’s benchmark for deplorable doesn’t seem to apply at all, and in that regard, it doesn’t seem that the league itself cares to align itself with that standard in any way shape or form.  While the general public expects a reasonably measured response from Rog and crew,  I expect more of the usual bull shit coming from New York:

“Did anyone read that story about the NBA booting yet another racist owner from their ranks?  You’d think it was 1954, not 2014. Shameful.”  –Roger Goodell 

“It’s frustrating to me as a commissioner when these occurrences happen because it takes away from all the good that we’re doing as a league.  Like it’s been almost a full calendar year since one of our players has been indicted for murder…which ya know…on paper, is worse than domestic violence.” –Roger Goodell

“Yes it is true that we received a copy of this tape last week, but we delayed comment and action until our experts could determine beyond a reasonable doubt that this wasn’t part of “the Fappening.” –Roger Goodell

“As part of our expanded emphasis on long term health and to demonstrate our commitment to the absolute abolishment of major head trauma from the NFL…player’s wives, girlfriends, and sidepieces will receive a female adaptive version of Wes Welker’s helmet to be worn at all times.  Removal of the helmet will result in a league imposed fine for 1st time offenders, and an automatic season suspension and mandatory counseling for repeat offenders.  And for our female fans, a pink replica will be available in all official team stores and ShopNFL.com for the duration of Break Cancer Awareness Month.” –Roger Goodell

“With regard to our young fans’ exposure to this event through the prism of Madden Football, our partners at EA Sports have agreed to also take action per our request.  While Ray Rice cannot be physically removed from the game, Ray Rice’s player rating will be adjusted retroactively.  Gamers deploying Ray Rice will see a marginal increase in Strength Rating (STR-92) and Elusiveness (ELV-87…not to be confused with “elevator.”), and a significant decrease in Awareness (AWR-72), and Personality Rating (PER-70).” –Roger Goodell

“While it’s hard to find any ray of light…sorry, no pun intended…in such a dark situation, it should be noted that the cutting of Ray Rice now makes this by rule, a technical knock-out (TKO), and a win for Jannay Palmer.  That’s at least good for bragging rights.  Speaking of bragging rights, have you and your friends registered to play NFL Fantasy Football on NFL.com?” –Roger Goodell

“Our players are the most finely tuned athletes in the world, programmed to endure and distribute physical punishment on a 57.6 thousand square foot battlefield.  I’m not really sure why the make elevators so small?  We’re in early discussions with engineers over at OTIS to consider NFL friendly adaptations to their future models.” –Roger Goodell

#SharkWeek is officially underway….

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NOLA.com

A shark bit a Lakeview boy swimming with his family in Lake Pontchartrain Friday afternoon. The attack happened off of Southshore Harbor.

Shelly Trentacosta said her family had borrowed a friend’s sailboat and ventured out into the lake. With conditions calm and the water clear, it was a much better day for swimming than sailing, so the boaters decided to anchor up and take a dip.

Everyone was enjoying the cool lake water and having a good time, including Trentacosta’s 7-year-old son, Trent.

“The kids were bunched up together playing, and Trent just started screaming,” Trentacosta said. “We started swimming to him, and I didn’t know what was going on. I grabbed his leg, and there was a lot of blood.”

Oh, your kid went swimming and got eaten? Yeah, no shit. It’s Shark Week, bub. Nobody that finds their limbs useful should be anywhere water. Oceans, Swimming pools, slip’n slides, the Shedd Park Splash Pad… ¡Es Prohibido Nadar! Get out of the water dummy! It’s Lollapalooza for sharks every August, and without fail, there will be at least a dozen stories from dumb founded people that learned the hard way that it’s not a good idea to chum the water with Little Leaguers during Shark Week.

Also, I am passionately routing for Mitchell Chevalier to be eaten:

Many boaters are unaware there are sharks in Lake Pontchartain, but at certain times of the year, there are plenty, according to Mitchell Chevalier, who tags sharks for the University of New Orleans and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. That includes bull sharks, which are among the world’s man-eaters.

After being told of the attack on young Trent, Chevalier wondered if it was something other than a shark.

“Garfish are laid-back creatures, but if one was swimming by and his foot accidentally touched the nose of the gar, it might have snapped at him as a reaction,” Chevalier said.

His skepticism was rooted in the fact that most of the bigger sharks are out of Lake Pontchartrain at this time of year.

“Generally, your big female bull sharks aren’t in the lake right now. They’ve already moved in, pupped out and left,” Chevalier said. “Now granted, there are still 6-footers in the lake, but I’m speechless that one might have bitten somebody.”

No dude, I’m speechless. Garfish are laid back creatures? That’s a pretty broad generalization for something that’s swimming with 6 foot Bull sharks…in the f’n bayou of all places. I like to imagine that these guys with the over-the-top, casual nonchalance towards things that eat people…taste the best.

This Week in Science in Haiku 7/4/14

Dinosaur feathers.
Did not evolve just for flight.
But for real big pens.
http://austriantribune.com/informationen/144015-evolution-feathers-was-not-related-flying-purposes-only

30 thousand bucks.
To disprove global warming.
Could buy a new car.
http://www.cnet.com/news/physicist-offers-30000-to-disprove-climate-change/

New Earth-like planet.
Two sun custody battle.
Courts getting involved.
http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-a-gravitational-microlensing-planet-20140703-story.html

Current human form.
Didn’t happen all at once.
Took lots of gym time.
http://www.npr.org/2014/07/04/328206581/dance-of-human-evolution-was-herky-jerky-fossils-suggest

Jacques Cousteau’s grandson.
New underwater record.
Kid damn near turned blue.
http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20140704/world/Record-underwater-stay.526290

Rob Ford owned the red carpet last night.

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You didn’t think that a super star like Rob Ford would miss the biggest party in North America last night, did you?

But in true Bobby Ford style, rather than trying to recruit starlets for the after party , he’s having yucks with my buddy Callahan…Woburn’s Los Angeles ambassador. Cal probably reciprocated Mayor Ford’s pleasantries with the ole “if you’re ever in Woburn, there’s this little place called the 99′ I’d like to take you to. Best steak in town”

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