What We’ve Learned: Ned’s February 2014 Local Politics Update


I suppose I’m a little late with my February updates, but it’s to be expected as I am a product of an underfunded school system.

Bill Samaris is dominating.  Seriously.  This guy is everywhere.   Council agendas. The Lowell Sun.  WCAP.  State of the Union addresses.  Throwing out first pitches.   Would somebody mind letting him know that this is not an election year?  Pace yourself, Billy boy!  You don’t want to pull a hammy.

I’m pretty sure we have a new City Manager. Congrats to Kevin Murphy on the well-deserved position.  First order of business is figuring out which properties to seize to add another 9-holes to Mt Pleasant.  I’m sure there will be a least one super long par 4 so all the members can have a sexual experience with one another every time they reach it in regulation.

Mayor Elliott is finally settling into a groove.  Council Meetings have finally settled into a nice flow.  We’re in, we’re out, no nonsense.  It’s like watching Mark Buehrle pitch… if Mark Buehrle kept a Mayor Murphy and Bernie Lynch voodoo doll in the dugout and was constantly leaving the mound to go stick pins in it.

Downtown Revitalization Starts and Ends with Mill No.5:  “The people of Lowell elected me because I know the difference between happy endings and great economic opportunity” is what I imagine Corey Belanger said after his now famous expedition with Grapes to snuff out discreet rub’n tugs in downtown mill complexes.  As it turns out, there’s this little project called Mill No.5 happening down there that nobody knew or heard about until now, thanks to Lewis and Clark.

As for the handjobs at Mill No.5, they’re probably not completely off the table but you’ll likely have to buy some artwork first.

The new Chief of Police is a Public Relations Tour de Force.  The City couldn’t look any better in the eyes of outsiders.  Images of gun battles and executions have faded to the background courtesy of a possible hooker who officially had too many Killer Millers.  Station morale is no doubt at an all-time high.  And as if there weren’t enough winners in this one; it looks like Mayor Elliott will most definitely be able to deliver on his campaign promise to hire new cops…anywhere from 3-5, I suppose.

Congrats to Councilor Grapes Mercier.  The only thing that I understood from what she was telling us last evening is that she recently adopted Dave Daly, and loves him like a son.  I’m pretty sure she thinks that he actually drives the ambulances.

Also, if you still wonder the reasons (not related to the 21st amendment) why Grapes tops the ticket every two years, take a look what she’s mustered since I last chimed in:

Scuttled a Library Board appointment. (Unsuccessfully)

Establish Guidelines on what the Mayoral portrait should consist of. (Pending I suppose).

Is inspecting every pane of glass in the city for safety.

Paved way for a garden on the Christian Hill Res.

Discovered this new place called Mill No.5.

Repainting parking lines for her faithful constituents at the Senior Center.


Coaches Corner…Featuring City Legend Grapes Mercier: Mayoral Portraits


 ““That picture is a beautiful picture. It just doesn’t fit in this setting. It belongs on his mantel in his home. It’s not a reality show, ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’ It’s not about turning your back to the public. It’s supposed to be about the person chosen to lead the City Council leading in a dignified way. Although there are no official rules in place, it’s a given.” – Coach Grapes Mercier


On Next Week’s episode of Coaches Corner, Grapes discusses the potential of German Cow farts knocking artwork of the walls at city hall.

Uncle Joey’s Banana Bread (NSFW)

Not a drugs guy, never have been.  But if I ever make it big.  I wanna hang out with Uncle Joey Diaz.  Complete chaos of a night/weekend.  Even at age 50+ this guy is still slinging dick.  This is why my fantasy team name for the City Council election is Uncle Joey’s banana bread.

Update: Sons of Franky Cabot- Election Fantasy Draft begins Wednesday October 30th.


While the city’s collective attention is fixed on Rodney and Ed’s campaign for Women’s rights, we thought it would be a good time to shift gears. We like to think of The Cabot as a local blog, rather than a political blog. But with an upcoming City Election in November that will define the scope of the City leadership (ie. A City Manager possibly heading to free agency, New High School, Rodney Elliott starting bikram yoga to manage stress), it can’t be ignored. So we popped over to the MrMillCity storage unit and pulled out a classic…The Lowell City Council Fantasy Draft.

We will be rolling out the results beginning Wednesday, October 30th, wrapping up on that Friday. But feel free to play along at home or in the office.

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Kim Scott is redefining the campaign game.


What the Lowell Public Schools need is the creative, innovative types making the big decisions. Someone who decides canvassing, hand shaking, and baby kissing are for sixth place losers. Someone who decides it’s much more efficient to spam the shit out of voters daily, than to physically ask for your vote. That person, is @kpemscott.

“Brown University? They’ve got one of those in Providence.”- Dildo Dunphy


Lowell Sun

LOWELL — Many City Council challengers are strongly opposed to fellow challenger Derek Mitchell’s proposal to generate more money for code enforcement by taxing non-owner-occupied residential properties at the higher commercial tax rate.

Thank god for the Lowell Sun. I actually thought this was an interesting idea until they pooled together the dissenting thoughts of the Doyle’s. Now I just feel dumb. I obviously didn’t go to Brown.

Whether Derek Mitchell’s idea is a good one or not is neither here nor there. Generally, most great ideas (outside of Lowell Politics) begin half baked and are then nurtured by the collective into what will become a GREAT idea. What is most concerning here are the geniuses that are poking holes in it. Here are three of my favorites:

“It is a tax on tenants,” said Dan Rourke, from Pawtucketville. “The higher tax bill will be transferred from the owner to the tenants.”

This is a 1000 percent true…if we were living in feudal England. Thankfully, (at least until January when Danny Ballgame gets sworn in), the rental market will still be predicated on inventory and the size of the rental pool. Best of all, we’re welcome to go live in another landlords kingdoms.

Genevieve Doyle, a first-time candidate from Centralville, said she does not think it would be fair for landlords who maintain their properties to pay the commercial rate.

“It might drive people out of the city who care for their buildings and do the upkeep,” Doyle said.

Will they be taking their cared-for buildings with them?

“All the people in Lowell did not go to Brown University and many of them are struggling to pay their taxes now,” said Fred Doyle, referencing Mitchell’s undergraduate degree from Brown.

True, all people in Lowell did not go to Brown University. Bit if they did, the Princeton Review “Campus Life” write-up would be hysterical: “Campus Life follows the usual pattern of late adolescent hedonism. Students don’t study, if at all, and grades are awarded based on how many cousins removed you are from the professor.”

PS. Is there a bigger fucking loser than Fred Doyle? (Yep, first f’bomb on the blog).

CNAG Meet the Candidates Night…Where glamour politics go to die.

20131001-101601.jpgDoes it get any better than selling out for local city politics? Look at that crew sitting there. Burning a Monday night at Dom Polski, eagerly awaiting the opportunity to do their best to get another group of insane people (willing to burn a Monday night at Dom Polski) to clap for you. It’s a hell of a commitment.

I’m not sure how Mark was able to secure a press credential for this red carpet event, but I don’t ask questions. I just gleefully await his tweets. Here’s the recap and some of my thoughts if you weren’t able to clear your calendar:20131001-080947.jpg
Clutch performance by Marty Lorrey, fitting all his “favorite movies” in a 2 minute window. He’s a vet now. The Dom Polski crowd was no doubt impressed by that experience on display.

20131001-110616.jpg in keeping with his stance on local code enforcement, the local fire code at Dom Polski doesn’t permit the standard Fred Doyle entrance of lasers and dry ice smoke. Naturally he sat this one out.

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