Back Off in #Haiku. 12/28/15-1/2/16


[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a newspaper in the general northeast corner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (USA). The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been.

Also, if you want to buy my books on Kindle that’d be cool.]

Monday, 12/28/15

Boxer should retire.
All those fights have done their harm.
Pastures are calling.

Fiorina stays.
She can beat anybody.
Except maybe Trump.

Donut shop tax break..
Like they’ll bring in some tourists.
Our town is struggling.

Insane light display.
Bigger than Disney Parades.
Pride of cul de sac.

Trump and Obama.
More in common than you think.
They’re both dictators.

Apple Computers.
Just a Chinese company.
Not like Nokia.

Trump is all they’ve got?
Fifteen people were on stage.
Evolution failed.

Moved to New Hampshire.
To avoid wage increases.
Polartec fleeced us.

Officer on phone.
Wonder who he’s talking to.
Wish I had that job.

Fight the drug dealers.
Cut heroin at the source.
Narcan’s behind this.

Clinton will close schools.
That ain’t a President’s job.
Border patrol is.

Sentences cancelled
Undoing work of police.
Obama loves drugs.

Roads must be repaired.
Taxes pay for things like that.
How government works.

Tuesday 12/29/15

Beautiful picture.
Best front page you could have run.
Meaning of Christmas.

You nailed the cover.
Wonderful picture of Christ.
No pun intended.

“Night Before Christmas.”
Front page poem was much needed.
Tradition should grow.

Merry Christmas all.
I say this to ev’ryone.
The rabbis love it.

Anti-Christians suck.
We’re surrounded by many.
They hate our good vibes.

Give me for Christmas
The head of Roger Goodell.
Kids need role models.

Night before Christmas
All barbershops were shut down.
Town run by grinches.

Prostitution sting.
Put a damper on Christmas.
Needed to be done.

Congress is sneaky.
Lobbyists now non-profits.
You watched a ball drop.

Beggars increase trash.
Councilor got it cleaned up.
Mayor did nothing.

Mayor proud of work.
But it was a half-assed job.
Parking but no stores.

Wednesday 12/30/15

Like did not Star Wars.
Too commercialized it was.
Tix costly they are.

Democrat debates.
Clinton doesn’t want viewers.
She chooses time slots.

“Black Lives Matter” sign.
I believe all lives matter.
Even the priv’leged.

Global warming’s nice.
Saves me money on heating.
That seems ironic.

Hustle and bustle.
Ain’t got that out in these parts.
We’re one town over.

Silent but deadly.
Gas leaks all over the town.
This government blows.

Beggars should clean up.
Doesn’t seem like much to ask.
It’s their goddamn mess.

Thursday 12/31/15

Trump’s a douche nozzle.
But he has a right to speak.
He can be peaceful.

Protesters are mean.
If you don’t like Trump stay home.
Trump’s open-minded.

Free speech is for Trump.
Protesters don’t have any.
Next they’ll deport him.

Kid speeds down Main Street.
Cop sees and does not chase him.
Laws are meaningless.

New Hampshire blames us.
Says we’re the reason for drugs.
We don’t have those crops.

Gas under two bucks.
People pay thirty cents more.
They should shop around.

It isn’t hate speech.
They’re just prone to hurting folks.
Religion does that.

Friday 1/1/16

Kids should learn the law.
Amendments apply to Trump.
Let the poor man speak.

Our rights are infringed.
We have a right to be scum.
Slave owners said so.

Tsongas Arena.
Named for a quality man.
Unlike Trump Plaza.

Repairs came out nice.
Looks incredibly nicer.
Father Nick gets thanks.

Beggars ev’rywhere.
It’s like an epidemic.
And they’re all loaded.

Saturday 1/2/16

Tribe members all gone.
Sport logos all we have left.
That’s our heritage.

Poor job snow clearing.
Preschoolers could do better.
There goes the budget.

Plow the width of street.
Things too narrow as it is.
Mice can do better.

Two thousand sixteen.
Hope this year goes much better.
Last year can bite me.

Mice and preschoolers.
Do they make shovels that small?
More storms are coming.

Back Off in #Haiku. 12/21-26/15


[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a newspaper in the general northeast corner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (USA). The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been.

Also, if you want to buy my books on Kindle that’d be cool. ]

Monday 12/21/15

High school runs this town.
They get raises while we’re broke.
Stupidity reigns.

One drug dealer gone.
So many still run the show.
Big pharma must go.

Buddhist holiday?
There ain’t one in December.
Display makes no sense.

One-family homes.
Need to stop subdividing.
Neighborhoods crowd up.

You don’t need to know.
If you know so do bad guys.
Get over yourselves.

Don’t make us Revere.
We don’t wanna be Revere.
Let us have some class.

Merry Christmas jerks.
Two merry fingers to you.
Just like Jesus would.

High school drama club.
Excellent job with “Carol.”
Adds to the season.

Debatable plans.
Dems can’t plan anything right.
That’s my bowling night.

Dem ideas bad.
That’s why they keep on lieing.
Global warming’s fake.

Poor people need help.
Minimum wage can do that.
Mid class is all set.

Stop with the head shots.
Shoot them in non-vital zones.
Cops would look better.

Shelters are busy.
Clearly Obama’s result.
I’d close shelters down.

Spend more on prisons.
Obama refuses to.
Won’t listen to me.

Let’s bring back the draft.
But only for candidates.
Bastards gotta learn.

12/22/15 Tuesday

School board cried poor mouth.
Superintendent got raise.
My vote goes elsewhere.

Many towns giving raises.
Minimal results.

Arena empty.
No events besides hockey.
Needs new management.

Wallet was misplaced.
Finder turned it in for me.
Favor paid forward.

Flat wrapping paper.
Arthritis makes rolls a pain.
Help me find the flats.

Gov is pro-solar.
We have bad infrastructure.
One thing at a time.

Trump lies most the time.
Legit three-quarters bullshit.
Fact-checkers can’t rest.

Women and kids first.
That’s just how saving folks goes.
Stop being so scared.

Mideast refugees.
Obama let in millions.
Mostly terrorists.

Tuition goes up.
Administrators make more.
Kids remain stupid.

12/22/15 Tuesday (alt)

Student fees all raised.
Superintendent paid more.
A board still cries ‘poor.’

All towns do the same.
Elected feel entitled.
Changes should be forced.

Arena empty.
School needs new blood to run it.
Asset sans asses.

Lost wallet returned.
Paying forward will commence.
Donation soon made.

12/23/15 Wednesday

Leave Trumpster alone.
Sure he’s lieing and corrupt.
Name one who isn’t.

Blamed Trump for ISIS.
Completely a false attack.
Trump loves those bastards.

Polls are meaningless.
Only votes end up counting.
Lie to the callers.

Lottery scammers.
Investigation now due.
Continue coverage.

Horses have been saved.
Another farm has stepped up.
Old owner was bad.

School bathrooms messy.
Tried using one at a game.
Traumatized for life.

Debates on cable.
Candidates won’t reach the poor.
Concern seems lacking.

12/24/15 Thursday

Not that bad a guy.
Just has some vocal critics.
My vote goes to him.

Flat wrapping paper.
Many folks have arthritis.
Rolls can be painful.

Schools say no bullies.
Then Trump becomes frontrunner.
Messages get mixed.

Trump is my douchebag.
Our opinions are the same.
I vote for douchebags.

Construction projects.
Making neighborhoods ugly.
Renovate instead.

Religions are cool.
I like all of the faithful.
Stop killing people.

12/25/15 Friday

Democrat debates.
Always on Saturday nights.
I’m watching football.

Tried helping himself.
That’s where aid should be given.
Not to panhandlers.

Star Wars article.
Articulate and reasoned.
Just like the Bond ones.

Letter was well-written.
Hopefully people read it.
Elections come soon.

Panhandler wastes time.
Could have found a job by now.
Guy stands there all day.

12/26/15 Saturday

Sherriff is moving.
We liked having them around.
Don’t replace with Dunk’s.

I miss that movie.
They used to play it all day.
It was Wonderful.

Gregory Peck’s hot.
Makes my Christmas just sparkle.
Keys of my Kingdom.

Stop crying poor mouth.
Cops and teachers just want more.
We ain’t got no more.

Seniors deserve more.
State took money from our checks.
Time to pay it back.

Stranger bought coffee.
Random kindness at a Dunks.
Merriest Christmas.

Trump would out Anne Frank.
He’d send the Von Trapp’s back home.
And eat live puppies.

Back Off in #Haiku. 10/19-24/15.



RMV workers.
Good reason to use website
Robots are nicer.

8:20 packout.
Event went to 8:30.
Families left cold.

Overzealous Prez.
Trampling the Constitution.
Out to get my guns.


Things getting stolen.
Custodians are to blame.
Privatizing failed.

Self-inflicted ills.
The fault lies with the patient.
Includes fat smokers.

Debates too early.
I’ll be stuck in traffic then.
Will catch recordings.

Hillary flip flops.
No better than Mitt Romney.
Clearly bi-poller.

Traffic lights not synched.
High school buses standing still.
Walkers move faster.


Big ass donation.
Seems like a pretty nice guy.
Tuition is high.

The First Amendment.
We don’t need a spokesperson.
Meetings might go long.

Townline markers off.
Chelmsford isn’t in Lowell.
Other way around.

How much money did they lose?
Reports not released.

Rushing the shooter.
The brave and right thing to do.
Libtards are cowards.


Nat Grid screwed me big.
Tripled bill while I was gone.
Thieves on the meter.

I’m no socialist.
I’m leaving the Dems behind.
They’re no Kennedys.

Neighbors to the north.
Hoping we’ll save their asses.
They should learn to fight.

One thousand Trumpers.
Able to find Tyngsboro.
Didn’t expect that.

Lots of driving laws.
If you don’t like them don’t drive.
Cars are dangerous.

Stop making demands.
You’re a guest in this country.
Welcome overstayed.

Kids don’t need candy.
I’ll be giving out pencils.
Adding up their teeth.


Temp workers steal stuff.
Make them feel like they belong.
Hire them directly.

Halloween costume.
Dress like a Republican.
Steal candy from kids.

Platform based on race.
“I’ll help all Cambodians.”
Should help all of us.

Lecture series changed.
Not just lightweight fam’ly stuff.
Questioning choices.

Back Off in #Haiku. July 20-25th, 2015


[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a couple of newspaper in northeast Massachusetts, USA. The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been.

Also… I’ve been doing this for a year now. I know because next to me is a cinder block wall with little chalk markings. Five markings. Seven markings. Five markings. Over and over again. If I were a wrestler I would steal Rey Mysterio’s finishing move and rename it the 575. Someday I’ll move to New Mexico. Guess what their area code is. Maybe someday I’ll have children. A big family. Five girls. Seven boys. Five dogs. For now though I’m just going to relax. I’ll try to enjoy the Lowell Folk Festival (Five klezmer bands. Seven gospel bands. Five zydeco bands].

Sound Off


“Think before you speak.”
A concept unknown to Trump.
Rev brain before mouth.

Iran Contra deal.
Can’t blame Obama for that.
But you’ll prob’ly try.

Fake grassroots support.
Tries to sell us on cheap fuel costs.
Product exported.

Need more cameras.
Use them to catch litterers.
Big Brother’s room’s messy.

Haverhill’s a big city.
Can be hard to keep it clean.
Crack down on litter.

Casinos are watched.
Ev’ry inch strongly guarded.
Money won’t escape.

Boston casinos.
New Hampshire plates in the lot.
Why we need to build.


Sewer rate increase.
An annual occurrence.
Leaders should be dropped.

One big distraction.
Please step down when indicted.
Common procedure.

Wars are not a plot.
These people want to kill us.
Life is expensive.

Small town casino.
Couple thousand slot machines.
Nothing too fancy.

Blood on their hands.
For all who want Iran deal.
We lose ev’rything.


No sanctuary.
Immigrants are dangerous.
Too many victims.

Trump’s service record.
Got a student deferment.
Don’t think he learned much.

Space exploration.
Costs billions for Pluto pics.
Cancer’s still a thing.

Comic made a joke.
Said something like what Trump said.
Don’t vote for Chris Rock.

Small baby pipeline.
It won’t hurt anybody.
Coochy coochy coo.

Carbon monoxide.
You might want to learn about that.
Ventilation helps.


Republicans failed.
Obama did ev’rything.
That’s why we need Trump.

Don’t talk to the guy.
Keep Trump out of all debates.
Hell with that scumbag.

We want honesty.
Even if it’s from a nut.
Candidates should learn.

Don’t raise minimum.
Go after deadbeat fathers.
Jail ’em till they pay.

No sanctuary.
Get deportations caught up.
Too many felons.

Electric bill down.
Now they want to make changes.
Don’t touch a damn thing.


Gas grill burned a house.
The Chief should educate folks:
Check your connections.

Root problem is cost.
Insurance just makes things worse.
Prices are crazy.

No sanctuary.
Take away their licenses.
Drive them out of town.

“Death to USA.”
Why are we dealing with him?
At least he’s honest.

Nepotistic cops.
Thought we had laws against that.
Who will enforce it?

Manager resigned.
“Private sector pays better.”
They didn’t want him.

Swapping addictions.
Vaping replaces smoking.
Better off stopping.


Quran says shed blood.
Muslim leaders stay quiet.
Nature of their faith.

Trump is an asshole.
I agree with him a lot.
But he shouldn’t run.

Trophy wife t-shirt.
Target won’t carry that one.
Girls hate comedy.

Trump speaks the truth.
Nobody else has the balls.
McCain’s a pussy.

Planning board corrupt.
Bend like pretzels for builders.
Won’t return my calls.



Gov’s buds got a raise.
Minimum wage remains low.
Think I’ve heard this one.

Trump knows what to do.
Send the illegals back home.
They don’t belong here.

No black officers?
I know it’s a small city.
But can we fix that?

North shore casino.
Mayor micromanaging.
Just let them build it.

Where the house burned down.
Let’s turn it into a park.
Plant a few flowers.

The Prez on vacay.
He’s almost as bad as Bush.
Tell him to stay there.

Loser overpaid.
Common sense remains absent.
Disgust strongly felt.


Increase minimum.
Happy workers work harder.
No one will close shop.

Methadone mothers.
Blocked from clinic after fight.
They still need treatment.

Identity thieves.
Millions of our people hacked.
They want to be us.


They’re laughing at us.
All over these six fine states.
Take your paint and leave.

Paying folks to quit.
After they screw up big time.
I can do that job.

Aramark composts.
Cooked food can’t be donated.
Violates health codes.

Right wing policies.
Too much in common with Greece.
How are they doing?

The Klan likes bed sheets.
Are we banning those now too?
Wahhh wahhh sniff sniff wahhhhhhh.

Balance the budget.
Budgets need to be balanced.
I’d like it balanced.


Not a good painter.
Didn’t use right kind of paint.
They make a street paint.

Painter guy should move.
Our town needs some landscaping.
George, come to Dracut.

Help is illegal?
Donated work and supplies.
Things weren’t getting done.

Trials are costly.
Let that lady pay for it.
Watch it disappear.

No sanctuary.
Illegals are illegal.
And no cake for gays.


No fights in clinics.
Seems pretty reasonable.
Help was rejected.

Start with the sidewalks.
Then worry about rail trails.
Safety should come first.

I don’t like those guys.
Resumes overstated.
Just a couple hacks.

Back Off in #Haiku. April 27th – May 2nd.


Sound Off. Monday.

We don’t stand a chance.
Boston won’t get Olympics.
Unrealistic fears.

Uranium deal.
Proof libs hate America.
Sold them Canada.

Annual tax raise.
Methuen’s great tradition.
Think I’m leaving soon.

Not many killers.
Ten percent of prisoners.
Their deaths won’t help much.

That’s just disgusting.
Killing people to save cash.
Slippery red slope.

McDonald’s wages.
The reason their sales are down.
Bad publicity.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Michelle Obama.
Too busy living the life.
Doesn’t care for vets.

More management jobs.
Voters said no to that shit.
Why are they hiring?

Hundred years ago.
Armenian genocide.
’twas Obama’s fault.

Staff at The Meadows.
Got me through a real tough time.
Ev’ryone kicked ass.

Street sweepers useless.
Only get center of road.
More sand than Hampton.

Salem Public Works.
Great job removing the litter.
People live like pigs.

 Sound Off. Wednesday.

Don’t like basketball.
It was fun in the sixties.
Kids can’t sink the rock.

Try self-employment.
You can learn it from a book.
You lazy bastard.

Unions United.
Not Citezens United.
They’re the damn problem.

Don’t deserve to live.
All you do is serve french fries.
Learn some Goddamn skills.

Bomber boy’s fam’ly.
Got to stay in a hotel.
On our goddam dime.

Sound Off. Thursday.

Turks are not Arabs.
They came from Central Asia.
Have their own language.

Starve the kid slowly.
One meal a day at high noon.
Offended at cost.

Working with their hands.
Just like our grandparents did.
McDonald’s is work

Bottle deposits.
Bums keep stealing from my bins.
Ripping off the town.

Boston is tiny.
We can’t even get around.
Never mind athletes.

Sound Off. Saturday.

“Heavily tattooed.”
Why’d you have to bring that up?
We’re not all gun nuts.

“Sorry ’bout the war.”
We deserve better than that.
It was a sick war.

Thanks a lot, douchebags.
Casino would have helped us.
Rot in hell, fossils.

We want casinos.
They’ll bring in major money.
Politicians suck.

Backtalk: 4/27/2015. Monday.

Question for Muslims:
Think Bomber Boy gets virgins?
Guessing he gets bitched.

Chris Christie loves pork.
He won’t wait till he’s older.
He’ll retire early.

Dead famous people.
Lowell knows many of them.
Clean up and cash in.

Backtalk: 4/28/2015

Over reacting.
Don’t need ladders for med calls.
Stop paying for that.

Leave Jesus alone.
Stop bullying poor Chrisians.
We want our free speech.

Adam Sandler screwed up.
Manchester won’t live it down.
Boy is their face red.

Backtalk: 4/29/2015

Report suspicions.
“See something say something” yo.
Nobody answers.

Baltimore people.
Don’t think they’re American.
They’re just terrorists.

That Martha Coakley.
Keep her out of my damn sight.
We don’t want you here.

I lost my damn kids.
Foster homes ain’t no damn good.
Some kids stay with scum.

Little gossip rag.
What The Sun now wants to be.
To hell with Affleck.

Backtalk: 4/30/2015

Ladders stay at home.
Never go to medicals.
Your lies are sleezy.

Ben Affleck movies.
Can’t expose Ted Cruz now.
Curses foiled again.

Sharpton and Jackson.
I’d say “go away you guys.”
But they’re not around.

Old folks don’t make trash.
Why should we pay for barrels?
Clean up the forest.

Backtalk: 5/1/2015

Recycle my ass.
Get you further than solar.
I can’t wait to die.

Thugs go to boot camp.
Then off to Afghanistan.
I’m batshit crazy.

Wicked Irish blues.
What Conflict of Interests?
Lowell is unique.

Pooch Cafe was nice.
Why did you cancel that strip?
Thought it was funny.

Unicorns must die.
Worse than sarcastic puppies.
I read the funnies.

Baltimore facetime.
Hillary and Liz Warren.
Where are those girls now?

Sitting in Dracut.
Expert on urban culture.
They’re all just hudlums.

Backtalk: 5/2/2015

The Prez shouldn’t joke.
The f word is serious.
Putin cuts babies.

You suck at your faith.
Hatred is not for Christians.
Just serve who walks in.

Midgets are boxing.
And making millions from it.
I like to watch cocks.

I hate Obama.
All he does is lie and cheat.
Promises broken.

Mom beating her son.
Didn’t want him protesting.
Conservative MILF.

Back Off in #Haiku. 4/13-4/18/15


[Please note: I haven’t explained the gimmick in a while for new readers. Here ya go: two newspapers along the Mass/NH border run columns consisting of transcribed calls from somewhat anonymous readers (The Lowell Sun actually publishes the voicemails on Soundcloud so you might be able to recognize somebody, or maybe it’s an impression). Anyway, I take the published versions of those calls and translate them into haiku. Sometimes they’re actually passable as real haiku. Sometimes. Enjoy.]

Backtalk: 4/13/2015

Money saved in life.
Death penalty appeals cost.
Throw away the key.

Tax cheat Al Sharpton.
Asking for even more laws.
Breaks the ones we have.

Kill the little prick.
Guilty on all thirty counts.
Only thing to do.

Elect new people.
I don’t like these ones at all.
People should step up.

Sound Off. Monday.

Hissing ain’t Christian.
It’s hateful and immature.
President was right.

Criticize Muslims.
They’re the one killing people.
President was wrong.

Prisoner got fat.
Gained almost two hundred pounds.
Give him just one meal.

Didn’t like the play.
Too raunchy for my liking.
Waste of my taxes.

Vegans like fake meat.
Why not just eat the real thing?
Seems crazy to me.

Let’s support progress.
I want pipelines and rail yards.
NIMBY’s can suck it.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Lots of bad drivers.
Makes it hard to walk downtown.
Mostly young hoodlums.

Rich are taxed enough.
Much higher rate than us schmucks.
I wouldn’t want that.

Turn signals are nice.
People should learn to use them.
Offer some classes.

Bright yellow trash bags.
Sign of streets getting cleaner.
Pete Boisselle did that.

Sound Off. Wednesday.

Bomber has his youth.
Many years will come his way.
That’s too expensive.

Jobs done away with.
Self-service check out counters.
Please stop using them.

Like taste but not killing things.
Why they substitute.

Haverhill Clean Up Day.
Just need one hundred people.
River Park cleans quickly.

Plaistow filled with trash.
Used to be a pretty town.
Trucks, trash, and traffic.

In front of your house.
Will take you just ten minutes.
Earth begins at home.

The rich have too much.
Doesn’t matter what they pay.
Money is power.

Backtalk: 4/15/2015

Drivers are stupid.
Wiper law over their heads.
Make the cars smarter.

Tewksbury potholes.
Fill them or make obvious.
Fragile vehicles.

Horse lady step down.
No one buys your snow excuse.
Inhumane disgrace.

I fed my horses.
All through the record winter.
Select to step down.

She has other faults.
Way more than just horse neglect.
Let’s pile it all on.

Schools heat isn’t on.
Kids wearing jackets to class.
Cut costs somewhere else.

Sound Off. Thursday.

We bought Hill a van.
She’s worth a hundred million.
Strikes me as bullshit.

Big money backs Hill.
She won’t get big money out.
No one’s buying it.

Cut wasteful spending.
Don’t tax the rich any more.
Numbers have spoken.

Rich guys all left France.
Got tired of that high tax rate.
Now that country sucks.

Rich folks can just move.
Live anywhere that they please.
Leave taxes behind.

SSI’s a scam.
Just another Ponzi scheme.
Jail the government.

Backtalk: 4/16/2015. Thursday.

Hated her husband.
Don’t want her taking the job.
No more dynasties.

Horse lady helped out.
But she needs to just move on.
No excuse for that.

Meter enforcement.
Now includes eves and weekends.
Questionable call.

Comic strip got dropped.
How are these decisions made?
Nobody asked me.

Backtalk: 4/17/2015

Headlights and wipers.
There’s good reason for that law:
Only assholes don’t.

Hill attacks high pay.
Makes bank from public speaking.
More hypocrisy.

Handicap crackdown.
Burlington enforcing laws.
Tewksbury should too.

No competition.
Comcast has monopoly.
Choices would be nice.

Sound Off. Saturday.

Time to get a grip.
Clinton won’t take guns away.
Time for female Prez.

Drugstore won’t sell smokes.
Yet the town hands out hard drugs.
Absolute madness.

This is pure evil.
I need my damn cigarettes.
The Bible warned us.

Cars move with lights off.
Another law unenforced.
Dangerous assholes.

Granite State dieing.
Services cut while costs rise.
Burden to business.

SSI’s legit.
Not a scam since we all know.
Honesty is key.

Fat will not be cut.
An empty campaign promise.
No one thinks they’re fat.

Killer was stupid.
God made him a good player.
Greatness thrown away.

Backtalk: 4/18/2015. Saturday.

Wannabe martyr.
Bomber boy expected death.
Desires unfulfilled.

License plate stolen.
Has sentimental value.
No rest for “WICKENS.”
[Seriously, if you see it on your kid’s wall return it to the poor guy. 361 Littleton Road, Chelmsford].

All they do is lie.
Can’t trust them on anything.
Wake up ‘merica.