If you don’t ‘Scoo the Poo’… you’re probably going to get stabbed.

poop

Boston.com

Police said a fight between neighbors over unscooped dog poop on private property escalated to a brutal double stabbing in Springfield Saturday. 

Authorities said that Michael V. Valentin, 33, of 60 Belmont Ave. was quickly arrested after other neighbors identified him as the assailant. Detectives said they also found a large kitchen knife they believe was used in the attack. 

Valentin is accused of repeatedly stabbing a 46-year-old woman in the back and slashing her 23-year-old daughter in the face. Both women are reportedly in stable condition at an area hospital.

The Springfield Republican reports that Valentin had called police to complain about his neighbor not cleaning up after her dog two hours before the attack. 

Valentin faces two counts each of armed assault with intent to murder and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, and a single count of mayhem.

Look, I’m a reasonable dude.  I’m not going to sit here and say that “intent to murder” is a reasonable response in this incident…well, at least directly.  Fact of the matter is that these two birds are lying, semi disfigured in hospital beds for a mere lack of effort.  Hey, we’ve all been there…only a block left in your walk and Cujo decides to take his fourth behemoth dump of the session, and you’ve already exhausted your shitbag reserves. (Side note: most dogs are assholes.  Don’t think for a second they’re not counting how many shitbags go in your pocket before you leave the house.). But that doesn’t mean you’re without options.

Option one is for the suckers…where you scurry around trying to find alternatives like discarded candy bar wrappers, napkins/tissues, only to ultimately have to pay the price of completing the journey with shitty palms. (Not worth it, I’d think I’d opt for the stabbing if given the choice.)

Then there’s the old “phantom poop trick”, where you circle the crime scene for a minute or two, finally putting on a show of wild bewilderment as if the clump of shit mysteriously vanished. You throw out a “WTF,” raise your hands to the heavens, and even go as far as asking Cujo “did you see where it went?” Narc’ing neighbors tend to give you the benefit of the doubt because nobody wants to incite a confrontation when the Devils work is potentially in play.

Finally, there’s what I like to call the “Grass Grabber”. The Grass Grabber is the “phantom poop” alternative for those that are terrible actors.  You simply take the maxed out bag that you’re already toting, and scoop and pull the clean patch of grass, preferably in the vicinity of Cujo’s landmine.  While not required (but preferable), if you can sneak a couple leaves of lawn clippings over the evidence, all the better.  That should give you enough time skulk out of the neighborhood before your psychopathic neighbor is any the wiser.

Clearly there are options.  Some may read this article and conclude that Michael V. Valentin, 33, of 60 Belmont Ave, is an unstable lunatic.  Or you consider the real moral of this story, which suggests that, any level of indifference with regard to Cujo’s shits will likely lead to you getting stabbed.  Scoo that’ Poo, bruh!

Looks like a rebuilding year for Lowell

Rankings

Lawstreet Media

Not sure if this is the USA Today or the Coaches Poll, but I can’t remember the last time Lowell wasn’t in the top 15. Not a good look for a program as esteemed as ours. We looked great on paper starting the year…Heroin prices at an all-time low, more kids in TRG getting drivers licenses, Centralville…. Somebody needs to get fired. The boosters aren’t happy.

It should also be noted that that if you’ve recently misplaced your Ford Focus or Dead Hooker, those number are not included above.

Quinnipiac Non-Graduate falls a bomb threat short of being one of THE GREATS.

QU Greats.

Boston.com

HAMDEN, Conn. — Fearful that her family would learn she was not graduating, a 22-year-old woman phoned in bomb threats to Quinnipiac University on Sunday to try and force commencement ceremonies to be canceled, police said.

Hamden police said Danielle Shea of Quincy, Mass., gave a detailed confession after being arrested at the indoor campus athletic arena, the TD Bank Sports Center, where the commencement for the university’s College of Arts and Sciences had been moved because of the threats. She was wearing a cap and gown she’d purchased.

Police said Shea didn’t attend the university this year, but her mother paid thousands of dollars she thought was for her daughter’s education. When graduation arrived, Shea panicked when relatives didn’t see her name on the graduation roster, they said.

According to police, Shea made two calls to the university’s public safety department. In the first, about 20 minutes before the start of the 6 p.m. graduation ceremony, she stated there was a ‘‘bomb in the library,’’ said police. In the second call, about 20 minutes later, police said Shea warned ‘‘Several bombs are on campus’’ and noted ‘‘You haven’t cleared out graduation. That’s not a good idea.’’

I saw the initial headlines on this story and thought this was going be your typical “Falling one credit shy” scenarios or “Couldn’t walk because I got too many open container tickets” and I was fully prepared to note that fearing your parent’s disappointment in any of these scenarios was absolutely ridiculous seeing they’ve been cutting tuition checks to Quinnipiac of all places, for a minimum of four years. I’m pretty sure their outrage peaked somewhere between pulling that last rejection letter out of the mailbox from one of the UMASSes and licking the envelope on the first outgoing check. If they haven’t tempered their expectations by now, you shouldn’t care enough to call in a bomb threat, let alone invite them to graduation.

But this is something different. This is a full scale embezzlement scheme that came up impossibly short of a smashing success because she couldn’t figure out how to get someone to say her name into a microphone. That one little detail was the difference. Danielle Shea would’ve been living on easy street back in Quincy with half the debt of her contemporaries and mom and dad wouldn’t have been the wiser. Instead of marching into interviews this summer touting that bulletproof Quinnipiac “Arts and Sciences” degree, she would have been telling real life stories of “a successful track record of long term planning, goal execution, and delivery in a deadline driven environment. “ So close, to being one of the greats. So close.

PS. In fairness to all you sensitive Quinnipiac graduates out there, I only know like five people that have graduated from QU and they all played on the hockey team. It is safe to say that their journey to becoming captains of industry ended well before sixth grade.

Double PS.  I also didn’t get into UMass.  I may have been accepted had I applied, but we’ll never know.

CEO of a Hudson NH Meth Labratory suprisingly looks nothing like your typical meth lab maven.

The scariest thing about these meth lab runn’n meth-heads is that it’s always tough to pick them out of the crowd. No uniforms, no particular characteristics that scream, “Hello! I run a methlab!” I look at this lip studded beauty and see your typical Centralville 6…possibly a 7 with that Jello Pudding Pop hair die job. I know at first glance I was smitten, at least I was until I learned she’s a meth-head. Who needs that kind of drama in their lives…am I right?

How does the Lowell Police Academy let guys graduate with such awful game?

Super Troopers_Vinok2.007Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A 2013 Lowell Police Academy graduate who was still on probation resigned last week, just days after an investigation determined he violated numerous policies in an effort to contact a woman he met responding to a call.

Police Superintendent William Taylor and Solicitor Christine O’Connor both declined comment, but The Sun has determined that Augustine Manyo-Washington is no longer employed as a Lowell police officer.

Manyo-Washington was among 59 graduates of the Lowell Police Academy last Nov. 15.

In late January, Manyo-Washington, and another police officer, Joseph Comtois, responded to an unidentified Lowell bar to investigate alleged drug activity.

During that call, Manyo-Washington met an employee “he liked,” states an Internal Affairs Report, a copy of which was acquired by The Sun. As a result of that encounter, Manyo-Washington ran the license plates of several cars in the parking lot, looking for the car that belonged to the employee he’d just met.

“Officer Manyo-Washington ran the plates ‘trying to find out who she was,'” states the 5-page report, completed by the Professional Standards Division and dated April 7. “Which he did.”

Manyo-Washington accessed the license plate data base on several dates in February, including on one of his days off. Police Department policy states that only “authorized persons in the performance of their official duties may access, use or disseminate this information for official and lawful criminal justice purposes.”

I love this Augustine Manyo-Washington guy. He’s a throwback’s, throwback. He’s not one of those new-age glory hounds that are chasing legends. He graduated from the academy, was outfitted with a sharp uniform, a car with cool lights, lethal weapons, hand cuffs, and access to all the personal information you can handle…and he did what any man in his situation would do. He immediately started wrangling poon.  Should a few criminals get between him and his demanded dinners from women that he’s stalking…all the better.

Is his game flawed? Certainly. This story had all the makings of a made for TV romance and then veered sharply into a creepy guardrail. But is that Augustine Manyo-Washington’s fault?

Seems to be more of a player development issue to me. The academy these days seems to be all about catching bad guys and bureaucracy and nothing else. Lost in the shuffle are the basic fundamentals: effective shift napping, finding ways to unnecessarily speed/discharge weapon, and obviously getting women to buy you dinner…voluntarily.  The tenets of strong policing.

Seems to me Chief Taylor is passing up a real opportunity to coach these guys up.

Creatures of the Lowell Line: Pending Commuter Warfare in North Billerica

parking-note

Lowell Sun 

BILLERICA — With the MBTA parking lot already packed by 8:30 a.m., some commuters are dreading the worst when Lowell commuters are forced to find new parking spots starting April 1 because of the major Gallagher Terminal reconstruction project.

Marie Smith, who has taken the commuter rail from the North Billerica stop for eight years, is so worried about Lowellians taking over that she sees herself getting forced down to the Woburn parking lot.

“That would be a big inconvenience for me,” said Smith, 53, who has lived in Billerica for 23 years. “Forty minutes away instead of a quick three-mile drive each morning.

“There’s a lot of people concerned about this,” she added. “And even when the construction is over, are they always going to park here because it’s cheaper to park here and the T pass is cheaper?”

“Ray, people will come Ray. They’ll come to North Billerica for reasons they can’t even fathom. They’ll turn up the driveway not knowing for sure why they’re doing it. They’ll arrive on the platform as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won’t mind if you park here. It’s only $4 per person. They’ll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they’ll walk out to the platform; stand in unfashionable winter parkers on a perfect morning.  And they’ll wait for the train and it’ll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they’ll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. People will most definitely come.”

I hope they come and come in droves.  Like Field of Dreams only the star in this movie is a patch of asphalt in Billerica and I am James Earl Jones. Commuter Rail People are some of the worst people on the planet.  Living life around a train schedule breeds some of the worst passive aggressive, Type A douchebaggery you’ll ever see.   From dudes keying cars because a stranger didn’t know spot #236 was his “usual spot” to iPad combat over someone refusing to take the middle on a 3 seater.   It’s deplorable.  And if you’re telling me that come April 1st, the LRTA is going to toss a duraflame right in the middle of this mess, then Happy April Fools Day to me.  I can’t wait.

Creatures of the Lowell Line

Boston.com

The US Secret Service confirmed today that it is investigating a man who allegedly impersonated a Secret Service agent on an MBTA commuter rail in an attempt to avoid a fare.

“We’re aware of the incident and we are investigating it,” Special Agent in Charge Stephen Marks told Boston.com. “Impersonating a federal agent or officer is a crime… we’re taking the report seriously [and] looking to get to the bottom of it.”

Richard Sullivan, lieutenant detective with the MBTA Transit police’s special crimes unit, confirmed that the transit police are also investigating the incident. Sullivan said that the investigation is ongoing.

“We have had communication with the US Secret Service—Boston office relative to the video,” Sullivan told Boston.com. “I’m confident that the gentleman alleging to be a federal agent does not possess such status.”

Did this really go down on the Lowell line?  I ask you this, does this stuff NOT go down on the Lowell Line every single day?  You give me a day that ends in “Y” and I’ll give you at least one incident of a dude trying to get out of the fare.  Secret Service Agent?  Not even in the top 5.  I  saw a guy crawl into the portal to hell known as the train toilet and emerge halfway to Woburn, only to find a patiently waiting conductor (Some bird totally narced on him).  When asked for a ticket, the guy claimed he was on the previous train into Boston, experienced a “seve-ah diarrhea attack” and couldn’t dethrone in time for the next trip.    Needless to say, that ride was on the State.  Nobody in history has ever debunked an explanation that involved diarrhea.  It’s bullet proof.

More Hookers busted in Tewksbury. This shouldn’t happen.

MotelCaswell

Lowell Sun

TEWKSBURY — An undercover prostitution operation conducted Monday resulted in the arrests of three out-of-state women at two town hotels, according to police.  Megan Sullivan-Albee of Bangor, Maine and Megan Horsfield of Manchester, NH, both 24, were arrested at the Hoilday Inn on Highwood Drive and charged with sexual conduct for a fee.

Horsfield, who police said had two outstanding warrants, was also charged with possession of heroin and possession of crack cocaine.  Twenty-year-old Violet Harris of Hartford, Conn. was arrested at the Fairfield Inn on Andover Street for sexual conduct for a fee.  Tewksbury police occasionally conduct prostitution stings at some of the town’s hotels, in response to solicitation on websites like Craigslist.

Serves you right.  If you’re down with sexual conduct for a fee and you’re down with sexual conduct for a fee in Tewksbury, you needn’t be anywhere but the Caswell.  The Police don’t do sexual conduct for fee stings at the Caswell because sexual conduct for a fee is expected at the Caswell.  It’s the only reasonable excuse for being there besides establishing yourself a satellite meth lab…which is why the police would much rather you be conducting yourself sexually for a fee.  It’s like Bunny Colvin’s “Hamsterdam” only instead of a legal crack zone, you’ve got yourself a sexual conduct for a fee, free zone (I imagine crack probably flies as well).  You don’t even need the internet to transact sexual conduct for a fee at the Caswell so save those Free AOL CD’s for a rainy day.

Discalaimer:  This heartfelt advertisement was not paid for by Motel Caswell.

How cute is Salisbury…pretending they have laws.

Wait, are you trying to tell me that a newspaper clipping taped to my windshield in lieu of an actual inspection sticker is not going to fly in that quaint little hamlet known as Salisbury? Is this some weird end-of-February/leap year type rule? Because the Salisbury I know doesn’t have any rules. The Salisbury PD I know would have tracked this guy down, and instead of arresting him, would have gathered in the parking lot of Tens to roast and ridicule him for actually making them pretend that laws exist.

Deaf folks in Lowell are ravaging each other’s private parts again.

20140226-183910.jpg

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A 24-year-old city woman is accused of assaulting her deaf boyfriend while he slept by pulling his private parts so hard, they ripped in two places, requiring stitches.

In Lowell District Court last week, Erika Post, of Maple Street, pleaded not guilty to assault and battery on her 33-year-old live-in boyfriend. She was released on personal recognizance with the conditions that she stay away and have no contact with the victim.

Her next court date is April 22 for a pretrial conference.

According to court documents, Lowell police responded at 1:21 a.m. on Feb. 18 to 84 Maple St. for an unknown medical. On the way to the scene, police were told the victim was a deaf male who was bleeding.

When police arrived, the victim was holding his genitals from outside his sweatpants and appeared to be in pain. The victim’s brother acted as an interpreter, telling police that the victim was sleeping when Post allegedly pulled his pants down and pulled forcefully several times, drawing blood.

C’mon! How many times do we have watch the deafs rip each other’s genitals off before somebody steps in and teaches them what “safe words” are all about. These poor folks live their entire lives communicating to each other like a pair third base coaches, you’d think they would have this one covered by now. But as is usually the norm, getting rough in the bedroom ends with a fistful of bloody deaf testies. If you want to get mid evil in the bedroom, you got to be safe.