Back Off in #Haiku. Feb 1-3, 2016


[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a couple of newspapers in the general northeast corner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (USA). The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been.

Also I’ll be cutting back on the number of poems appearing here but there will be plenty in the books: ]

Monday, Feb. 1, 2016

“Negro” ain’t allowed.
Made me switch to “black person.”
What’s wrong with “red man.”

Not President yet.
But he’s still taking control.
Trump blooms with brilliance.

She can get things done?
All she’s done is lose four men.
Not a good record.

Rita cheered for Trump.
All the endorsement he needs.
I vote based on cheers.

Hillary’s a crook.
Can’t let her back in that house.
She’ll steal more doorknobs.

My country has changed.
Immigrants won’t learn English.
School costs have risen.

My country has changed.
Recovery unlikely.
I pass in sadness.

School leaders made calls.
Reminding parents to meet.
How dare those bastards.

Tuesday, Feb. 2, 2016

Just men on school board.
Kim is running next April.
Balance draws closer.

Clinton’s email thing.
Two dozen were top secret.
Corruption is strong.

Isn’t just driving.
Don’t text while crossing the street.

Library worker.
Lost job she blamed for illness.
Now vindicated.

Movie ads are gone.
Another relic in dust.
Tell me what’s playing.

Don’t let Donny win.
If he does we know God died.
Prayers for His health.

Wednesday, Feb. 3, 2016

Pretty big college.
Buildings all over the place.
Not always a Ball.

Solutions are good.
Trump hasn’t offered any.
Leaders need those things.

I saw a movie.
It made Hillary look bad.
Vote for a lightweight.

Trump lost Iowa.
Spin will be adorable.
Insults will follow.

Canada looks nice.
Heading up there if Trump wins.
Help them build their wall.

Dirty politics.
Helped a store get a license.
Try not to shop there.

Hillary stands strong.
Despite all trumped up charges.
Track record proven.

Trump is immature.
Freaks out over nothing.
Spoiled and clueless.

Voting for Clinton.
Has electability.
Nobody else does.

Winter has been mild.
Will property taxes sink?
Saving on the plows.

Nobody blames dogs.
We blame lazy dog owners.
That shit is their job.

Replace dog catcher.
This one doesn’t have a clue.
They’re the one that bark.

Rest homes expensive.
Monthly payments keep rising.
Choose one carefully.

The Prez is racist.
Get him out of The White House.
Nosey SOB.

Back Off in #Haiku. 12/21-26/15


[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a newspaper in the general northeast corner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (USA). The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been.

Also, if you want to buy my books on Kindle that’d be cool. ]

Monday 12/21/15

High school runs this town.
They get raises while we’re broke.
Stupidity reigns.

One drug dealer gone.
So many still run the show.
Big pharma must go.

Buddhist holiday?
There ain’t one in December.
Display makes no sense.

One-family homes.
Need to stop subdividing.
Neighborhoods crowd up.

You don’t need to know.
If you know so do bad guys.
Get over yourselves.

Don’t make us Revere.
We don’t wanna be Revere.
Let us have some class.

Merry Christmas jerks.
Two merry fingers to you.
Just like Jesus would.

High school drama club.
Excellent job with “Carol.”
Adds to the season.

Debatable plans.
Dems can’t plan anything right.
That’s my bowling night.

Dem ideas bad.
That’s why they keep on lieing.
Global warming’s fake.

Poor people need help.
Minimum wage can do that.
Mid class is all set.

Stop with the head shots.
Shoot them in non-vital zones.
Cops would look better.

Shelters are busy.
Clearly Obama’s result.
I’d close shelters down.

Spend more on prisons.
Obama refuses to.
Won’t listen to me.

Let’s bring back the draft.
But only for candidates.
Bastards gotta learn.

12/22/15 Tuesday

School board cried poor mouth.
Superintendent got raise.
My vote goes elsewhere.

Many towns giving raises.
Minimal results.

Arena empty.
No events besides hockey.
Needs new management.

Wallet was misplaced.
Finder turned it in for me.
Favor paid forward.

Flat wrapping paper.
Arthritis makes rolls a pain.
Help me find the flats.

Gov is pro-solar.
We have bad infrastructure.
One thing at a time.

Trump lies most the time.
Legit three-quarters bullshit.
Fact-checkers can’t rest.

Women and kids first.
That’s just how saving folks goes.
Stop being so scared.

Mideast refugees.
Obama let in millions.
Mostly terrorists.

Tuition goes up.
Administrators make more.
Kids remain stupid.

12/22/15 Tuesday (alt)

Student fees all raised.
Superintendent paid more.
A board still cries ‘poor.’

All towns do the same.
Elected feel entitled.
Changes should be forced.

Arena empty.
School needs new blood to run it.
Asset sans asses.

Lost wallet returned.
Paying forward will commence.
Donation soon made.

12/23/15 Wednesday

Leave Trumpster alone.
Sure he’s lieing and corrupt.
Name one who isn’t.

Blamed Trump for ISIS.
Completely a false attack.
Trump loves those bastards.

Polls are meaningless.
Only votes end up counting.
Lie to the callers.

Lottery scammers.
Investigation now due.
Continue coverage.

Horses have been saved.
Another farm has stepped up.
Old owner was bad.

School bathrooms messy.
Tried using one at a game.
Traumatized for life.

Debates on cable.
Candidates won’t reach the poor.
Concern seems lacking.

12/24/15 Thursday

Not that bad a guy.
Just has some vocal critics.
My vote goes to him.

Flat wrapping paper.
Many folks have arthritis.
Rolls can be painful.

Schools say no bullies.
Then Trump becomes frontrunner.
Messages get mixed.

Trump is my douchebag.
Our opinions are the same.
I vote for douchebags.

Construction projects.
Making neighborhoods ugly.
Renovate instead.

Religions are cool.
I like all of the faithful.
Stop killing people.

12/25/15 Friday

Democrat debates.
Always on Saturday nights.
I’m watching football.

Tried helping himself.
That’s where aid should be given.
Not to panhandlers.

Star Wars article.
Articulate and reasoned.
Just like the Bond ones.

Letter was well-written.
Hopefully people read it.
Elections come soon.

Panhandler wastes time.
Could have found a job by now.
Guy stands there all day.

12/26/15 Saturday

Sherriff is moving.
We liked having them around.
Don’t replace with Dunk’s.

I miss that movie.
They used to play it all day.
It was Wonderful.

Gregory Peck’s hot.
Makes my Christmas just sparkle.
Keys of my Kingdom.

Stop crying poor mouth.
Cops and teachers just want more.
We ain’t got no more.

Seniors deserve more.
State took money from our checks.
Time to pay it back.

Stranger bought coffee.
Random kindness at a Dunks.
Merriest Christmas.

Trump would out Anne Frank.
He’d send the Von Trapp’s back home.
And eat live puppies.

Back Off in #Haiku. Nov 23-28, 2015


[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a newspaper in the general northeast corner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (USA). The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been.]


Ship all these bastards.
Useless and corrupt to boot.
Mistakes have been made.

Follow your money.
Taxes spent on bad programs.
Changes are needed.

He lied ’bout healthcare.
Won’t trust him on refugees.
Killers will sneak in.

Dems just give stuff out.
JFK told them “Ask not…”
Make this country great.


Spread fear like herpes.
Don’t really care who they hurt.
Right is good at that.

You’ll all get herpes!
Potential is ev’rything!
Marines should know this.

We need a new Prez.
I do not like this person.
He is not that good.

Romney would be nice.
Instead an ass hat now runs.
Dumb clueless ass hat.

Can’t judge anyone.
Not until you’re in their shoes.
Love my foot fetish.


Give me a damn raise.
I haven’t worked in decades.
And I didn’t save.

Dude’s fuggin’ brilliant.
Like right up there with Trumpster.
I’m writing him in.

John Kerry just sucks.
Seth Moulton equally bad.
I hate veterans.

There’s more terrorists.
Many of them speak English.
You can report that.

Kendall and Rodney.
Such close tight friendly buddies.
Ken should run next time.


Begging to be robbed.
Don’t leave purses out open.
Thieves can strike quick.

Refugees hide scum.
They are from cultures of hate.
Doors should remain shut.

Mercier and Rourke.
Got the high school roof repaired.
A job done quickly.

Pipeline will save us.
Beef eagles just keep whining.
These are good people.

Respect privacy.
Salaries aren’t your concern.
Don’t create targets.


Letter from Blossom.
A well-written joy to read.
Keep up the good work.

Lot of hate for Vets.
Seems to be coming from Right.
Pretty disgusting.

Tsongas out of touch.
Her lockstep differs from mine.
Supposed to lead right.

Shawsheen Tech freshmen.
Undefeated football team.
Great job getting there.

Headlights at all times.
Factories should make it so.
Folks get forgetful.


Look in the mirror.
Understand you’re a failure.
Clueless management.

Rodney will be missed.
Unless he forgets to leave.
Deer in a spotlight.

Fashion designers.
Not relevant to fashion.
Photos should be cropped.

Insult my city.
We hardly get attention.
We have losers too.

We are all sinners.
But at least we’re not creepy.
Your ways are messed up.

Norwegian Golf Course Mystery Pooper…the blog that writes itself.

Mystery Pooper


For the last decade, a man has been coming to a golf course in Norway in the mornings, dropping trou and pooping in the cups.

That sentence should invite a lot of questions.

Stavanger Golf Club has been dealing with the mystery pooper since 2005, and the club’s staff is convinced a man is behind the fecal graffiti for a simple reason.

“We know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman,” said groundskeeper Kenneth Tennfjord, who added that the man in question often leaves toilet paper to go along with the turds, according to the Rogalands Avis paper.

The person in question only poops in the cups on weekdays, never showing up on weekends. Presumably, he has better things to do then. The guy apparently used to bike to the parts of the course where he would do his business, with grounds staff noticing wheels marks in the dew, followed by foot prints to the cup.

At one point, the club thought putting flood flights around the mystery pooper’s favorite target would stop him. Wrong. The guy just found a way to turn off the lights and poop in the dark.

I can’t speak to the customs and golfing traditions of the country of Norway as I’ve never been there nor have I shared a beer with any real life Norwegians, let alone Norwegian golfers (or Norwegian poopers for that matter).  Yes, the idea of hovering in gimme range and dropping your cargo in the cup seems strange to me.  But what kind of guy would I be to judge another man for being particular about his bowel rituals.  Aren’t we all? Sure, not everyone would want to complicate the matter with pin placements and break, but to each his own.  As I understand it, there are 3 internationally recognized tenets of being a successful man: make money, get laid, and last but most importantly, get regular. More power to you if you can take care of all three at the golf course.

Btw, honorable mention here goes to the Norwegian investigators and their decade long manhunt:

“Whelp, it’s a big dump so it can’t be a women.”

“It can’t be Tiger Woods as he wouldn’t go the bathroom on the green unless there was a whore lying there. Definitely didn’t see any whore footprints.”

“Doesn’t come around on weekends…must be a family man, trying to avoid 6 hour rounds on the weekends.”

“The presence of toilet paper rules out all Mt Pleasant members.”

Splendid effort, fellas.

Back Off in #Haiku. June 8th-13th, 2015


[Please note: In memory of Dusty Rhodes I kindly ask that you read all of these in his voice. ]

Sound Off.


Ramblin’ bout the gays.
They don’t deserve equal rights.
Hippy Christ said so.

Libertarians and more.
Vote for status quo.

Change both of your names.
Bruce Jenner ain’t a Jenner.
Dicks make families.

Bus driver texting.
Time to face our addictions.
Organize Meet Ups.

[Timberlane School stuff.
More corruption and scandals.
Something ‘ bout Dora]


Unemployment facts.
Those who gave up aren’t counted.
Nor are Walmart jobs.

Obamacare scam.
All your rates are going up.
You’ve all been hoodwinked.

Socialist Sanders.
He wears that label proudly.
We’re not name calling.

Pot heads will kill us.
The roads will be a nightmare.
Our children are doomed.

High school softball team.
Great year from good role models.
Good luck to the grads.

Hillary’s my choice.
Everyone else is clueless.
There is no contest.


The Prez sold us out.
We’re part of a union now.
That sonovabitch.

Big Bird taught Spanish?
He also taugh history.
Close schools completely.

Welfare fraud exists.
Good luck studying that shit.
I busted my butt.

Eight Dunkin Donuts.
Not one single gallery.
Haverhill ain’t that great.

DOMA overturned.
Only one part of it though.
Story incomplete.

Pot heads drive slower.
Denver says car deaths are down.
Crime rates also dropped.


Ain’t cops’ job to teach.
Parents should warn kids ’bout drugs.
It’s your fault they’re dead.

Hillary Benghazi.
That chick should be in prison.
Clinton is the new black.

We all pay FICA.
Don’t talk like it’s charity.
Screw the illegals.

Bad drivers abound.
Cutting me off politely?
There ain’t no such thing.

Just don’t join ISIS.
They’re like a really bad cult.
Worse than Juggalos.


EBT card fraud.
Way underestimated.
Tight controls needed.

Sox fan hit by bat.
MLB should cover all costs.
Skip the fundraiser.

Clinton killed no one.
The Right cut security.
But enemies killed.

The buck stops at home.
Teach your kids heroin kills.
Learn how to parent.

Loud bike are outlawed.
None of this “One Percent” stuff.
They’re all criminals.

Some drivers are slow.
They deserve to get cut off.
Modern life moves quick.


Monday, June 8, 2015

Big charges pending.
Remove from active duty.
Think it through a bit.

Triple-decker stands.
Supposed to be demolished.
Law still unenforced.

Man up and clean up.
Cemeteries need mowing.
No more excuses.

New Hampshire business.
One hundred dollars to start.
Mass wants five times that.

I know where you live.
Your yard sale sign is still up.
I’m coming for you.

Make a living off children.
Teachers should as well.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Use private flagmen.
Free up the cops for real stuff.
Plus they’re much cheaper.

Adult-ed staff and students.
A terrific place.

Biker gangs remain.
Three men killed in western Mass.
Good article though.

Hernandez dressed well.
Shouldn’t be be in orange?
Killer fashion sense.

Stop crying poor mouth.
The school bought Marty Meehan.
Overpriced beggar.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Dropped Spike pretty quick.
Should have waited for trial.
That would have been fair.

Congrats Bernie Lynch.
You were an asset to us.
Darkness finds us now.

Town Hall unfinished.
Doesn’t give us confidence.
Businesses scared off.

MassHealth pays for rides.
Old folks get federal care.
Stop blaming addicts.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Wrong pick got the job.
Should have gone with the youngster.
Regret fill find you.

Political stuff.
That’s why they picked who they did.
It’s all politics.

Lots of repaving.
Glad to see it getting done.
Don’t forget my street.

Dollar Store coming.
Being built on old farm land.
Wish someone told us.

Meehan runs this town.
School does more than the Council.
Make it official.

Paving blocked our lots.
Customers couldn’t get in.
Towns should plan better.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Some bills must be payed.
Social Security’s small.
Grandchildren need help.

Kerry stayed a week.
We would have gotten two days.
Fairness is lacking.

Franchise Fee increase.
Is the city responsible?
Seems like a ripoff.

Merging on the bridge.
A woman straddles both lanes.
Her own mystery.

Blaming the parents.
Hide your children in basements.
That’s where they’ll be safe.

Speeders on Wentworth.
School and city bus drivers.
Limit is thirty.

Two escaped inmates.
Media covers search team.
Cons might be watching.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Tuition increase.
Lower it by cutting pay.
Start with professors.

Where is your business?
Your ad doesn’t mention this.
Might be important.

Circus metaphor.
City Council loaded with clowns.
Nothing but an act.

Money slips away.
300 million to Greece.
Attention lacking.

Traffic and parking.
A challenge in good weather.
Problem to address.


Back Off in #Haiku. 5/18-23th/2015


Backtalk: 5/18/2015

Paving is timely.
We’re a 24-hour town.
Work it around me.

Good comic returns.
I’m a happy reader now.
No one reads the news.

Budgets unbalanced.
Like those who decide on them.
Too old for this stuff.

Ambulance runs late.
First responders show up third.
Police arrive quick.

Home Depot fainter.
Thanking those who helped me out.
Could’ve been real screwed.

Officers’ training.
Should cover doing vitals.
A life might be saved.

Backtalk: 5/19/2015

Bomber Boy trial.
Thank-you to those on jury.
What freedom’s about.

Bomber Boy must pay.
Let’s make it eye for an eye.
Make him wear his pack.

Punishment too harsh.
But Tom’s rep should be damaged.
Supports wife beaters.

More Deflategate jokes.
Not all about testicles.
But still punish meant.

No raise for Geary.
Find someone to undercut.
The City is broke.

Backtalk: 5/20/2015

Street work done at night.
No major traffic problems.
A road runs smoothly.

For Kyle Kirouac:
(played Rowdy the River Hawk).
Thank-you for it all.

Early retirees.
Pay for that “free” insurance.
Stop being jealous.

Kill him gracefully.
Ballerina in a chair.
Drown him in Swan Lake.

Paperless is great.
Unless you’re in the bathroom.
My experience.

Backtalk: 5/21/2015

12 strikes is perfect.
Debbie Adley’s game on mark.
Story slightly off.

20-year contract.
Solar company screwed us.
Can’t go in reverse.

Pink geraniums.
Stranger placed on mother’s grave.
Kindness acknowledged.

Don’t believe CORI’s.
I suspect they’re criminals.
Bad custodians.

Chelmsford streets well-paved.
Pavers did an awesome job.
A ride made smoother.

Backtalk: 5/22/2015

Cop parked on sidewalk.
A sidewalk on the corner.
That can’t be legal.

Patriots are cursed.
Just like the Red Sox once were.
Despite the winning.

NFL jealous.
Why won’t they just apologize?
There are games to play.

Berkshires got snow dough.
Slightly more than what we got.
Deval is clueless.

Read ‘One Big Happy.’
That’s a funny comic strip.
I really like her.

I want my country.
Tired of all these damn pansies.
Kind of makes me cry.

Dems want jobs to stay.
Constantly having to fight.
Who’s shipping them off?

Backtalk: 5/23/2015

Guy got elected.
Warning shot from all voters.
Turn out was quite low.

Tough choices to make:
City Clerk gig or real job?
Boredom versus stress.

Make a monument.
To honor wasteful spending.
Use dissolving gold.

Animals all gone.
Moved out when your place went up.
There’s your irony.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Bomber Boy die soon.
That’s how we save the money.
Appeals process sucks.

Parking spots taken.
More commerce looks to enter.
Only so much space.

A problem unsolved.
Strategies may be required.
Make black people work.

That woman is cursed.
Sit down with her and you die.
Don’t let her lead us.

Why give him a raise?
Performance was horrible.
One box for his things.

Cath’lics against death.
So am I for my reasons.
Appeals are costly.

It’s out of control.
Construction is too damn loud.
Wrecking ball pillow.

Cartoon got it wrong.
Don’t worry about ISIS.
Make them squeal like pigs.

Sound Off. Thursday.

Timberlane pay scale.
Super makes the most in state.
Teachers get laid off.

MBTA waste.
Too many good benefits.
Don’t buy into it.

Liberal bias.
You don’t attack her enough.
Make callers do it.

Online convenience.
For just a hundred bucks more.
Plus there’s a kiosk.
Sound Off. Saturday.

Kraft is a pussy.
Should have stood up to Goodell.
It’s all on Brady.

Get off my damn lawn!
Don’t tell me when to mow it.
Lien on this you pricks.

Of course Guinta lied.
Yes he’s a “bald faced liar.”
So are Democrats.

Make The Prez resign.
He’s told a few lies as well.
Stop picking on us.

Repubs shouldn’t lie.
Only Dems are allowed to.
Guinta’s a victim.

I’m drinking a fifth.
None of this ‘liter’ bullshit.
American pride.

School Board politics.
In NoOneCares, New Hampshire.
Junior High gossip.

Back Off in #Haiku. May 4-9, 2015


[Please note: Two newspapers publish comments from people who call into their office. The Lowell Sun has someone who tries to make sense of those calls and runs a more coherent version. The Lawrence Eagle Tribune runs the caller’s entire message give or take the racial slurs. I then take what the papers publish and translate them into haiku. This week isn’t as good as last week, but here you go.

Back Talk. Monday. 5/4/15.

Appleton beggers.
Walks right up and knocks on cars.
Oughta be a law.

Why send a fire truck?
Guy just had a heart attack.
Hosing down won’t help.

Westminster Village.
Hotbed of sin and evil.
People oughta know.

Did it to himself.
That’s why he died in that van.
Not much of a loss.

McD’s dumps Ronald?
Two weeks shy of Red Nose Day?
They should grow a soul.

Obama blames cops.
Just for doing their damn job.
Stop breaking the laws.

Sound Off. 5/4/15

Worked for McDonald’s.
Way back in the seventies.
It was worth it then.

Marty makes money.
600k off of us.
Why school costs too much.

College is pricey.
Too much empty management.
Learn a trade instead.

Go ahead and move.
Tantrum over casinos?
Won’t miss your dumb ass.

Glad you found you dog.
But please take your fliers down.
Makes next one stand out.

Backtalk: 5/5/2015. Tuesday.

Dracut water deal.
Big meeting this Saturday.
Delayed notices.

Over reacting.
Heartburn doesn’t need fire trucks.
Ev’ry town does this.

Union owns Council.
Has them by the testicles.
Explains Rodney’s voice.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Sharpton and Soros.
Tax cheating friends of Barry.
Total corruption.

Salem casino.
High hopes were based on old news.
We all got wiser.

Israel’s history.
Involves lots and lots of wars.
Look up some of them.

Kids are expensive.
Stop letting them just move in.
Let’s keep school costs low.

Big guys hit big guys.
Hundreds of fights for low pay.
What boxing should be.

Backtalk: 5/6/2015

Dracut is white trash.
Ignore the lack of trailers.
They’re not Andover.

Olive Garden woes.
They need detail officers.
Wanna make a left.

Seriously man.
I just want my Endless Bowl.
Ain’t worth gettin’ killed.

Kent State Ohio.
Better parents would have helped.
Stupid protesters.

Sound Off. 5/6/2015

Tom’s no Patriot.
Patriots love their country.
Respect your leader.

We want casinos.
We’re going broke and need them.
Pretty straight forward.

Lived through Depression.
Hard work ain’t shit without jobs.
Some folks just got lucky.

Nurses are needed.
Why do the schools cut them first?
Kids are challenging.

Backtalk: 5/7/2015

Voted on Monday.
Controversy unnoticed.
Quiet election.

Peter Lucas fan.
Just expressing my fanhood.
My kind of writer.

Damn Marty Meehan.
Taking a big promotion.
Greedy ol’ sellout.

I’m not a racist.
I don’t like any looters.
Some lives don’t matter.

Six is more than two.
Triple the experience.
Must be corruption.

Backtalk: 5/8/2015

Pull your weight next time.
Maybe then you’ll get the job.
An example set.

Cost of gas is rigged.
They do it ev’ry summer.
Supplies haven’t changed.

Lucas and Malkin.
Nothing constructive offered.
Attacks without aim.

Varney Street landlord.
Legal issues should find him.
All I can ask for.

Backtalk: 5/9/2015

Brady should boycott.
Skip Roger Goodell’s party.
Champions are kings.

Cawley Stadium.
Disaster from snow dumping.
Repairs needed now.

Changing the venue.
Won’t help horse lady’s problems.
Word kind of got out.

Lib’ral media.
Hiding all the good stories.
Voters uninformed.

Sound Off. Saturday.

Can all sportswriters.
Attacking Saint Brady like that.
They hate his greatness.

Highway trees were cut.
Could have done a better job.
We look like the south.

Soros and Sharpton.
Got caught not paying taxes.
Stop blaming the Prez.

Don’t help illegals.
Why is the state doing this?
It ain’t fair or right.

Woolworth was beauty.
Don’t ruin it with classrooms.
Is nothing sacred?

Electric bill high.
We live in a mobile home.
Just doesn’t sound right.


Back Off in #Haiku. 4/13-4/18/15


[Please note: I haven’t explained the gimmick in a while for new readers. Here ya go: two newspapers along the Mass/NH border run columns consisting of transcribed calls from somewhat anonymous readers (The Lowell Sun actually publishes the voicemails on Soundcloud so you might be able to recognize somebody, or maybe it’s an impression). Anyway, I take the published versions of those calls and translate them into haiku. Sometimes they’re actually passable as real haiku. Sometimes. Enjoy.]

Backtalk: 4/13/2015

Money saved in life.
Death penalty appeals cost.
Throw away the key.

Tax cheat Al Sharpton.
Asking for even more laws.
Breaks the ones we have.

Kill the little prick.
Guilty on all thirty counts.
Only thing to do.

Elect new people.
I don’t like these ones at all.
People should step up.

Sound Off. Monday.

Hissing ain’t Christian.
It’s hateful and immature.
President was right.

Criticize Muslims.
They’re the one killing people.
President was wrong.

Prisoner got fat.
Gained almost two hundred pounds.
Give him just one meal.

Didn’t like the play.
Too raunchy for my liking.
Waste of my taxes.

Vegans like fake meat.
Why not just eat the real thing?
Seems crazy to me.

Let’s support progress.
I want pipelines and rail yards.
NIMBY’s can suck it.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Lots of bad drivers.
Makes it hard to walk downtown.
Mostly young hoodlums.

Rich are taxed enough.
Much higher rate than us schmucks.
I wouldn’t want that.

Turn signals are nice.
People should learn to use them.
Offer some classes.

Bright yellow trash bags.
Sign of streets getting cleaner.
Pete Boisselle did that.

Sound Off. Wednesday.

Bomber has his youth.
Many years will come his way.
That’s too expensive.

Jobs done away with.
Self-service check out counters.
Please stop using them.

Like taste but not killing things.
Why they substitute.

Haverhill Clean Up Day.
Just need one hundred people.
River Park cleans quickly.

Plaistow filled with trash.
Used to be a pretty town.
Trucks, trash, and traffic.

In front of your house.
Will take you just ten minutes.
Earth begins at home.

The rich have too much.
Doesn’t matter what they pay.
Money is power.

Backtalk: 4/15/2015

Drivers are stupid.
Wiper law over their heads.
Make the cars smarter.

Tewksbury potholes.
Fill them or make obvious.
Fragile vehicles.

Horse lady step down.
No one buys your snow excuse.
Inhumane disgrace.

I fed my horses.
All through the record winter.
Select to step down.

She has other faults.
Way more than just horse neglect.
Let’s pile it all on.

Schools heat isn’t on.
Kids wearing jackets to class.
Cut costs somewhere else.

Sound Off. Thursday.

We bought Hill a van.
She’s worth a hundred million.
Strikes me as bullshit.

Big money backs Hill.
She won’t get big money out.
No one’s buying it.

Cut wasteful spending.
Don’t tax the rich any more.
Numbers have spoken.

Rich guys all left France.
Got tired of that high tax rate.
Now that country sucks.

Rich folks can just move.
Live anywhere that they please.
Leave taxes behind.

SSI’s a scam.
Just another Ponzi scheme.
Jail the government.

Backtalk: 4/16/2015. Thursday.

Hated her husband.
Don’t want her taking the job.
No more dynasties.

Horse lady helped out.
But she needs to just move on.
No excuse for that.

Meter enforcement.
Now includes eves and weekends.
Questionable call.

Comic strip got dropped.
How are these decisions made?
Nobody asked me.

Backtalk: 4/17/2015

Headlights and wipers.
There’s good reason for that law:
Only assholes don’t.

Hill attacks high pay.
Makes bank from public speaking.
More hypocrisy.

Handicap crackdown.
Burlington enforcing laws.
Tewksbury should too.

No competition.
Comcast has monopoly.
Choices would be nice.

Sound Off. Saturday.

Time to get a grip.
Clinton won’t take guns away.
Time for female Prez.

Drugstore won’t sell smokes.
Yet the town hands out hard drugs.
Absolute madness.

This is pure evil.
I need my damn cigarettes.
The Bible warned us.

Cars move with lights off.
Another law unenforced.
Dangerous assholes.

Granite State dieing.
Services cut while costs rise.
Burden to business.

SSI’s legit.
Not a scam since we all know.
Honesty is key.

Fat will not be cut.
An empty campaign promise.
No one thinks they’re fat.

Killer was stupid.
God made him a good player.
Greatness thrown away.

Backtalk: 4/18/2015. Saturday.

Wannabe martyr.
Bomber boy expected death.
Desires unfulfilled.

License plate stolen.
Has sentimental value.
No rest for “WICKENS.”
[Seriously, if you see it on your kid’s wall return it to the poor guy. 361 Littleton Road, Chelmsford].

All they do is lie.
Can’t trust them on anything.
Wake up ‘merica.

This guy HATES the Back Page


Boston Globe

What recourse does a musician have if he feels he’s been mistreated by a club owner? Social media, of course. Singer-songwriter Matt Stubbs was so upset about the treatment of his band at The Backpage in Lowell the other night that he vented on Facebook, calling owner Bob Ramirez’s behavior rude, insulting, and condescending. “In 17 years of performing music I have never had to stop a gig half way thru the night,” wrote the roots rocker, who also plays guitar in the Charlie Musselwhite Band. “The treatment my band received from the owner of the Backpage last night finally forced me to do so.” The lengthy post was “liked” by over 225 people and shared over 150 times. Stubbs was particularly angry about Ramirez’s alleged demand that the band play a two-hour and 15-minute set — without a break. Ramirez didn’t respond to a phone call or e-mail Monday. “Some words were exchanged and I decided that out of respect for myself and the guys in my band I was done,” Stubbs wrote. “I paid my band out of pocket costing me hundreds of dollars and a wasted night for all of us.” Reached on the phone Monday, Stubbs said he posted on Facebook because he wasn’t allowed to tell the crowd why he stopped playing. “Nobody knew why it ended. I went to make an announcement, but [Ramirez] unplugged the mike and turned the house music up to 10 so no one could hear.”

Ahhh…the ole’ talent vs. club owner fued…a story as old as time itself. It’s hard to take sides in these matters, but thanks to Facebook and the Boston Globe, that’s exactly what we’re asked to do.
On one side, you’ve got the undoubtedly thin skinned guitarist who’s being a total baby about his contractual break time. How do I know he’s being a baby?…because he’s a professional musician. The whole point of all those hours of practice is to become rich and famous. And when that doesn’t work out, you’re still afforded the opportunity to spend weekends in small clubs, earning some pocket change, drinking for free, and melting faces of dudes that are high on Flomax.


make animated gifs like this at MakeAGif

No bosses.

The other big tell here would be the 1,000 word facebook post. Like come’on bro, this isn’t the New York Times OpEd. It’s facebook…give us a paragraph at most about how much the BackPage sucks and add a picture that captures the essence so I don’t actually have to read your nonsense. Also not helping his case are: Continue reading

Back Off in #Haiku. 2/2-2/7/2015.



[Please note: decided to work blue this week. That’s just how people sounded. This job has two parts: (1) counting to seventeen and (2) conveying the underlying message. Breaking things down to their simplest and sincerest truths. The callers were angry. I felt that. Also a lot of them seem to believe that houses spontaneously combust. That’d be scary.]

BackTalk 2/2/15

Tiano must leave.
The Board is responsible.
Look at your warrants.

Tiano should pay.
Former manager’s payout?
Not fromour pockets.

Give Wahlberg’s pardon.
We forgive killers and such.
They have no records.

Sound Off 2/2/15

Please buy a snow broom.
Push that snow right off your roof.
Don’t cause accidents.

Streets were all empty.
Snow was lighter than powder.
Plowdrivers still sucked.

Left my purse behind.
Nice folks found it in my cart.
Gave to vets as thanks.

Why pay our taxes?
Have to shovel the sidewalks?
That should be covered.

“Indy contractors.”
So they don’t get benefits.
That’s pretty sleazy.

FairPoint isn’t fair.
Completely antiworker.
Why their service stinks.

Sound Off. 2/3/15.

Info not given.
Hidden from our Selectman.
Complex secretcy.

Blaming Obama.
Middle East falling apart.
As bad as Clinton.

Supreme Court did it.
Citizens United stays.
It is what it is.

Non union workers.
They can also do good work.
Let them make buildings.

Robin Hood & Shakes.
At least Shakespeare existed.
Just like climate change.

Backtalk: 2/3/2015

Reagan was Big Gov.
Raised taxes plenty of times.
Bin Laden’s best bud.

Someone found my keys.
And left them where I’d find them.
They’re freakin’ awesome.

Drug education.
Better than treating addicts.
Home lessons untaught.

Preschool opened quick.
No blizzard stopping these kids.
’cause we care dammit.

Inmate labor’s nice.
But just clear out the hydrants.
Work with your neighbors.

Walking towards cars.
Stopped by a tanker driver.
That was nice of him.

Stabbings will increase.
Maybe not thirty at once.
But gun laws don’t work.

Shov’ling ordinance.
Enforce that sonovabitch..
Belvi kids slippin’.

School sidewalks unclear.
Children become street walkers.
City falls to shame.

Don’t replace the Rourke.
Olympians won’t use it.
Stop wasting taxes.

I like Pete Lucas.
Other readers tease the guy.
But he knows his stuff.

All stores charge more now.
It ain’t just Market Basket.
Try to look around.

“Not Eric Holder?
Okay then the job is yours.”
We need more than that.

Backtalk: 2/4/2015

Glad Patriots won.
Clever headline was written.
Enough with the snow.

Hell of an ending.
Miracle interception.
Gave me a flashback.

Thank you Pete Carroll.
Couldn’t have won without you.
Hallmark has no words.

Chelmsford run by clowns.
We should take our city back.
Break out the pitchforks.

Can’t drop Tiano.
That’d be admitting a wrong.
Real bad legal move.

Tiano must go.
Along with rest of the bums.
What the people want.

Reverse 9-1-1.
Use it for snowstorm info.
Should my trash go out?

Walk streets single file.
I know the sidewalks aren’t plowed
But don’t be a jerk.

Sound Off 2/4/15

Haverhill snow plowers.
Wanted more before the storms.
Bastards ain’t earned squat.

Despite the drama.
Patriots came out on top.
Greatest team alive.

Stop your complaining.
Plows are doing what they can.
That shit’s three feet deep.

Don’t need a walker.
But other old people do.
Make them live elsewhere.

Out-of-town truckers.
Carrying away our snow.
Should hire locals first.

Potential jurors.
Not big on death penalty.
Never lost loved ones.

No one lost their head.
Not when Bush was President.
Obama’s a wuss.

Sound Off 2/5/15

Patriots won clean.
Put away your air gauges.
Your tears make me laugh.

Timberlane School Board.
We’re all really sick of this.
No one speaks Spanish.

I don’t like joggers.
No room in the streets for them.
Get off of my road.

Saturday schooling.
Only way to get it done.
Can’t do summer school.

Patriot’s Butler.
He’s the fella that did it.
Heh… Butler did it.

Roads are terrible.
No excuses for Salem.
Methuen was fine.

Horrible plow job.
The children will all perish.
Need wider pathways.

Backtalk: 2/5/2015

Tell Ross-Sitcawich…
I’m 71 years old.
I ain’t shov’ling shit.

Make them do it right.
City should get what’s paid for.
Make the streets wider.

Global Warming’s fake.
We’ve got seven feet of snow.
That shit ain’t melting.

Granny keeps falling.
Bobcat the downtown sidewalks.
Boston kicks our ass.

Wasn’t really luck.
Pats won by playing sixty.
Jerome Kearse had luck.

Reagan was the balls.
Jimmy Carter not so good.
Just my opinion.

Backtalk: 2/6/2015.

Hundred a day fine.
For not shov’ling a sidewalk.
I’m too old for this.

Put the barrels back.
What if there’s an accident?
Who’s responsible?

Who owns the sidewalk?
That’s who needs to shovel it.
Public property.

Clean up your side steps.
Use some salt if you have to.
Might need that exit.

Been here 50 years.
Chelmsford politics must change.
Stop with the taxes.

Dump snow in the parks.
Can’t see around corner banks.
Too many blind spots.

Abortion’s selfish.
Unjustified homicide.
Blaming Obama.

Despite bad commute,
People are still being nice.
Thank-you for the seat.

Sound Off 2/7/15

Private sector pay.
For mandatory products.
Getting excessive.

Livable wages.
Stop sending good jobs away.
And people will work.

Cedar Street Haverhill.
Wide enough for a Smart car.
Plows aren’t doing squat.

I use a wheelchair.
Sidewalks aren’t really that bad.
Just need access points.

Backtalk 2/7/15

Sidewalks on Bridge Street.
Market Basket fully cleared.
Unlike CVS.

CVS cleared snow.
First time I’ve seen them do that.
Keep up the good work.

Lowell bus issues.
Please post updates on delays.
Modern service needs.

Hackers should do time.
Forty years of hard labor.
Massive deterrent.

Brady was lucky.
Make sure that’s on his tombstone.
That sonovabitch.

Westford roads are good.
Excellent job cleaning them.
You’re the best around.