Bag Ban. Day 1.

The expected bagpocalypse has yet to arrive. Tribal elders believe that this is because many of those expected to be affected are still hungover. The greatest fear currently is not about today or tomorrow. The concern is about Sunday with a one o’clock game. The concern is about Thursday with its minor chance of flurries. How will the lines be? Will people make it home in time? Will people make it home at all? The fear and the tension are as high as the river. So… kind of high, but not too too high. On average. Lot of outliers though.

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Back Off In Haiku: 3/21/18

Please note: the following poems are translated from angry phone calls to a newspaper. The translator is not responsible for whatever the point (if any) of the caller might have been.

Cawley was too far
Now they want Six Gun City?
All kinds of crazy

City Manager
Drives a Crown Victoria
A badge is missing

Donations refused
Library doesn’t want books
Homeless Harlequins

Too many weapons
Kids learn through video games
Neglectful parents

Beach front property
Million dollar moron house
We all subsidize

White people need rights
Or at least a support group
Not just NRA

Too many condos
No one moves to Tewksbury
Building a ghost town

Back Off in #Haiku June 2nd & 3rd 2017

[Please note: these poems are translated from phonecalls received and published by a newspaper with some dedicated reporters and some interesting readers. The translator is not responsible for whatever the original caller was trying to say].

Donnie says “pay up.”
That’s some good diplomacy.
Better than Capone.

Belvidere racist.
Only reason against Cawley.
It’s a pretty swamp.

Bank robbers don’t smile.
That’s the first thing they teach you.
Damn selfie addicts.

Courts should watch the news.
They’d see how right Donnie is.
Terrorists abound.

Donnie shoved a guy.
Like a halloween fat kid.
Teach him some manners.

Name all of the names.
Who is getting free health care?
Minds are enquiring.

Land without highways
Stealing companies from our town
This is a bad thing

Mercedes drivers
Keep riding free on MassHealth
All of them scammers

The Pope has a wall
Why can’t Donnie have a wall?
And a big white hat?

Eminent domain
Wrong on so many levels
I am against it

Nothing’s going right
Hamilton Canal a joke
Our schools are condemned

Empty streets all hours
There were crowds in the sixties
Vote all these bums out

Griffin went too far
What will other countries think?
Treat Donnie better

Simplify process
“Lowell High needs Principal”
Put that on Craig’s List

Car parked at night

Wrong side of road to nowhere

Fire trucks can’t zigzag

Back Off in #Haiku. 5/31/17

[Please note: these poems are translated from phonecalls received and published by a newspaper with some dedicated reporters and some interesting readers. The translator is not responsible for whatever the original caller was trying to say].



5/31/17, Lowell Sun

President weighed down.

Dems won’t let him make changes.

Our savior cries out.


Too soon for voting.

Council needs “time to reflect.”

Votes up for auction

Roger is no more.

We are all shaken and stirred.

He did other stuff

Ball caps worn backwards.

The fashion of the young ones.

I am not impressed.

Councilor’s mind changed

A question of influence

Option Three feels cold

Attorney Gen’ral

Never at any crime scene.

Suspicions arise

New history books

Text replaced with clickbait lists

Clintons both losers

Back Off in #Haiku. Nov 25, 2016

[Please note: these were translated from angry phonecalls which were transcribed by some poor bastard in the deep bowels of an old sweatshop. I performed these translations for close to two years before the redundancy of the task made me question many of the choices I’ve made in life. The process itself has enlightened me to the inner feelings and an awareness of the decrepitation process. I fear that soon I too, much like the callers, will be yearning for a day when I have a lawn so that I may yell at children to get off of it. This will never again be an every day thing, but sometimes pain helps to remind us. Happy Holidays.]

Stop crying you losers.
Donny won and time moves on
Never heard us whine.

Results cause sadness.
But solace comes from one source:
Trump won’t be my fault.

Medals of Freedom.
Given out like cheap candy.
Dignity comes soon.

Governor Baker:
“I’ll fight for sanctuaries.”
Voters move along.

I’m Republican.
Electoral College must go.
My Mass vote should count.

Learn English you punks.
You were born in this country.
No more excuses.

Donny’s little swamp.
His friends think it’s a hottub.
He’ll never drain it.