Monthly Archives: May 2015

05.31.15
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Back Off in #Haiku. 5/25-30th/15

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Backtalk: 5/27/2015

Blaming Obama.
Alt universe World War 2.
Respect the fallen.

Cemetery lawn.
Unmowed with leaves still present.
Unacceptable.

Weeds among tombstones.
Visitors ignoring blight.
Call in the bishops.

Tom isn’t in jail.
No sense trying to free him.
Move on with your lives.

Damn you Ireland.
Turning your back on the faith.
Where were the voters?

Backtalk: 5/28/2015

Trash fee proposal.
Money goes to school teachers.
They’re unqualified.

Global climate change.
Prez believes that’s the big threat.
I believe he is.

Officials grab balls.
They do this after each play.
Kind of makes me cough.

Cameo Diner.
35 years on Lakeview.
Go try an omelette.

Crosswalk near Dunkin’s.
Out by Dutton and Fletcher.
Add it to the plan.

Trapped in voice mail hell.
Only to find they’ve shut down.
Please say it sooner.

IRS is fine.
Nothing needs any fixing.
You’ll only break it.

Backtalk: 5/29/2015

Flags on their markers.
More important to our vets.
Don’t bitch ’bout the lawn.

’twas a bad winter.
Snow high as a giraffe’s arse.
Long recovery.

Saint Joseph’s looks good.
They weed whacked around the stones.
Very respectful.

Why own the bridges?
Sure they’re our infrastructure.
But they’re expensive.

You still can’t park there.
Shuttle spots aren’t parking spots.
Even after six.

Lock ATM door.
Makes it harder to rob folks.
Common sense to me.

Backtalk: 5/30/2015

Parade of sadness.
Only the drummer playing.
But traffic ran smooth.

Lexicon evolves.
Old words fall into disuse.
Changes come slowly.

Dog license issues.
Wasting the time of judges.
Drop the eye exam.

Spoilers would be nice.
Future caught me off my guard.
Changes I can’t make.

“Do not call” I said.
Signed up for that more than once.
Bastards have no souls.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

“Liberal bias”?
More like distancing itself.
The guy’s a scumbag.

Meter fee increase.
That will clear up the traffic.
No one will come here.

Dead boats are allowed.
But put liens for unmowed lawns.
Nothing but logic.

Killing is just wrong.
Not arguing about the cost.
That’s just counterpoint.

Losing discipline.
Drivers all act entitled.
And they look like bums.

Memorial Day.
Phillips Academy ran.
Too disrespectful.

Sound Off. Wednesday.

School greenhouse project.
Commendable idea.
But plastic scares me.

Wonderful turnout.
But couldn’t hear the speakers.
Amplified concerns.

One more committee:
The Committee Committee.
Creates committees.

Working on my boat.
I can do that in my yard.
Now mow your damn lawn.

Sound Off. Saturday.

Use stigma wisely.
Calling them “junkies” will help them.
Bad things should sound bad.

I hate your puppy.
Barking little shit machine.
Clean up after it.

Sanders and Clinton.
Right has two dozen losers.
Fresh blood would be nice.

Valuable art.
Why have it locked in a closet?
I’ll watch it for you.

Population growth.
All of it immigration.
We need more police.

05.23.15
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Back Off in #Haiku. 5/18-23th/2015

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Backtalk: 5/18/2015

Paving is timely.
We’re a 24-hour town.
Work it around me.

Good comic returns.
I’m a happy reader now.
No one reads the news.

Budgets unbalanced.
Like those who decide on them.
Too old for this stuff.

Ambulance runs late.
First responders show up third.
Police arrive quick.

Home Depot fainter.
Thanking those who helped me out.
Could’ve been real screwed.

Officers’ training.
Should cover doing vitals.
A life might be saved.

Backtalk: 5/19/2015

Bomber Boy trial.
Thank-you to those on jury.
What freedom’s about.

Bomber Boy must pay.
Let’s make it eye for an eye.
Make him wear his pack.

Punishment too harsh.
But Tom’s rep should be damaged.
Supports wife beaters.

More Deflategate jokes.
Not all about testicles.
But still punish meant.

No raise for Geary.
Find someone to undercut.
The City is broke.

Backtalk: 5/20/2015

Street work done at night.
No major traffic problems.
A road runs smoothly.

For Kyle Kirouac:
(played Rowdy the River Hawk).
Thank-you for it all.

Early retirees.
Pay for that “free” insurance.
Stop being jealous.

Kill him gracefully.
Ballerina in a chair.
Drown him in Swan Lake.

Paperless is great.
Unless you’re in the bathroom.
My experience.

Backtalk: 5/21/2015

12 strikes is perfect.
Debbie Adley’s game on mark.
Story slightly off.

20-year contract.
Solar company screwed us.
Can’t go in reverse.

Pink geraniums.
Stranger placed on mother’s grave.
Kindness acknowledged.

Don’t believe CORI’s.
I suspect they’re criminals.
Bad custodians.

Chelmsford streets well-paved.
Pavers did an awesome job.
A ride made smoother.

Backtalk: 5/22/2015

Cop parked on sidewalk.
A sidewalk on the corner.
That can’t be legal.

Patriots are cursed.
Just like the Red Sox once were.
Despite the winning.

NFL jealous.
Why won’t they just apologize?
There are games to play.

Berkshires got snow dough.
Slightly more than what we got.
Deval is clueless.

Read ‘One Big Happy.’
That’s a funny comic strip.
I really like her.

I want my country.
Tired of all these damn pansies.
Kind of makes me cry.

Dems want jobs to stay.
Constantly having to fight.
Who’s shipping them off?

Backtalk: 5/23/2015

Guy got elected.
Warning shot from all voters.
Turn out was quite low.

Tough choices to make:
City Clerk gig or real job?
Boredom versus stress.

Make a monument.
To honor wasteful spending.
Use dissolving gold.

Animals all gone.
Moved out when your place went up.
There’s your irony.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Bomber Boy die soon.
That’s how we save the money.
Appeals process sucks.

Parking spots taken.
More commerce looks to enter.
Only so much space.

A problem unsolved.
Strategies may be required.
Make black people work.

That woman is cursed.
Sit down with her and you die.
Don’t let her lead us.

Why give him a raise?
Performance was horrible.
One box for his things.

Cath’lics against death.
So am I for my reasons.
Appeals are costly.

It’s out of control.
Construction is too damn loud.
Wrecking ball pillow.

Cartoon got it wrong.
Don’t worry about ISIS.
Make them squeal like pigs.

Sound Off. Thursday.

Timberlane pay scale.
Super makes the most in state.
Teachers get laid off.

MBTA waste.
Too many good benefits.
Don’t buy into it.

Liberal bias.
You don’t attack her enough.
Make callers do it.

Online convenience.
For just a hundred bucks more.
Plus there’s a kiosk.
 
Sound Off. Saturday.

Kraft is a pussy.
Should have stood up to Goodell.
It’s all on Brady.

Get off my damn lawn!
Don’t tell me when to mow it.
Lien on this you pricks.

Of course Guinta lied.
Yes he’s a “bald faced liar.”
So are Democrats.

Make The Prez resign.
He’s told a few lies as well.
Stop picking on us.

Repubs shouldn’t lie.
Only Dems are allowed to.
Guinta’s a victim.

I’m drinking a fifth.
None of this ‘liter’ bullshit.
American pride.

School Board politics.
In NoOneCares, New Hampshire.
Junior High gossip.

05.16.15
by

Back Off in #Haiku. May 11 to 16th, 2015

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Sound Off. Monday.

Marty earned the gig.
He also earned his pension.
Babies cry loudly.

Unions want too much.
Democrats caved in for votes.
Time for me to go.

Brady is guilty.
Tried to hide text messages.
Truth can be painful.

All we had was porn.
That’s Haverhill’s kind of bookstore.
Internet killed it.

They know right from wrong.
Money and school don’t teach that.
Get an alarm clock.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Keep me informed dude!
I’m a freakin’ citizen!
You’re just the Prezzy.

Brady kinda sucks.
Totally overrated.
Just call it a day.

Changing rules ain’t fair.
What about my ancestors?
Never improve things.

Where is the outrage.
I am totally outraged!
LISTEN TO MY CALLLLLLL!

Litterers suck.
Too much trash on the highways.
Find ’em and fine ’em.

Refunds all around.
Lots of folks paid legal fees.
Return it all now.

Sound Off. Thursday.

Refs touched Tom’s balls.
They felt they were nice and firm.
Tom is not a witch.

I don’t watch football.
But I have an opinion:
Leave Tommy alone.

Tom hates Obama.
He should have just shook his hand.
That’s why this happened.

Go to hell, Tommy.
Take your damn ego with you.
You ain’t above shit.

Just move on, Tommy.
Fess up and put it behind.
New season next year.

Santorum’s crazy.
And crazy means he’s honest.
He won’t stay that way.

Backtalk: 5/11/2015

Don’t credit haters.
Selection was made elsewhere:
Building Committee.

Stop trying new things.
We’ll have to pay to change back.
Double for nothing.

EMTs are quick.
If they’re with the fire fighters.
Otherwise they’re last.

Baby shaker free.
Attorney General to blame.
Lawyers are costly.

Backtalk: 5/12/2015

Blaming the center.
He holds it longer than Tom.
Tom’s the last to know.

Big Oil has to no say.
Prices set by other folks.
Wall Street and OPEC.

Korner Kitchen gone.
Landlords oughta be ashamed.
We all loved the place.

Korner Kitchen gone.
Oldest restaurant in town.
Sad driving by it.

City employees.
Shouldn’t get to vote on things.
Isn’t their money.

Backtalk: 5/14/2015

Tommy ain’t guilty.
Please don’t send him to prison.
Let’s all pay his bail.

Tom said ‘let air out.’
Doesn’t get clearer than that.
We call that cheating.

Still blaming The Prez.
Tommy should have met with him.
Don’t mess with The Prez.

Don’t use the word ‘hate.’
Save that for bigger issues.
It’s only football.

Backtalk: 5/15/2015

Castrate all the teams.
Let officials bring the balls.
Just how it should be.

It’s a cover-up.
We all love the Patriots.
But they’re all guilty.

Adults read comics.
Pooch Cafe was so brilliant.
Kill the unicorn.

Backtalk: 5/16/2015

Bomber Boy’s sorry.
Sister Prejean said forgive.
She’ll burn for that one.

DCF screws up.
Who are they to judge parents?
Time to start from scratch.

Bingo at the Elks.
Just heard they’re closing up soon.
Sad to say good-bye.

Dave had an affair.
The Prez didn’t mention that.
I wanna know why.

 

 

 

05.09.15
by

Back Off in #Haiku. May 4-9, 2015

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[Please note: Two newspapers publish comments from people who call into their office. The Lowell Sun has someone who tries to make sense of those calls and runs a more coherent version. The Lawrence Eagle Tribune runs the caller’s entire message give or take the racial slurs. I then take what the papers publish and translate them into haiku. This week isn’t as good as last week, but here you go.
Love,
-Rat]

Back Talk. Monday. 5/4/15.

Appleton beggers.
Walks right up and knocks on cars.
Oughta be a law.

Why send a fire truck?
Guy just had a heart attack.
Hosing down won’t help.

Westminster Village.
Hotbed of sin and evil.
People oughta know.

Did it to himself.
That’s why he died in that van.
Not much of a loss.

McD’s dumps Ronald?
Two weeks shy of Red Nose Day?
They should grow a soul.

Obama blames cops.
Just for doing their damn job.
Stop breaking the laws.

Sound Off. 5/4/15

Worked for McDonald’s.
Way back in the seventies.
It was worth it then.

Marty makes money.
600k off of us.
Why school costs too much.

College is pricey.
Too much empty management.
Learn a trade instead.

Go ahead and move.
Tantrum over casinos?
Won’t miss your dumb ass.

Glad you found you dog.
But please take your fliers down.
Makes next one stand out.

Backtalk: 5/5/2015. Tuesday.

Dracut water deal.
Big meeting this Saturday.
Delayed notices.

Over reacting.
Heartburn doesn’t need fire trucks.
Ev’ry town does this.

Union owns Council.
Has them by the testicles.
Explains Rodney’s voice.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Sharpton and Soros.
Tax cheating friends of Barry.
Total corruption.

Salem casino.
High hopes were based on old news.
We all got wiser.

Israel’s history.
Involves lots and lots of wars.
Look up some of them.

Kids are expensive.
Stop letting them just move in.
Let’s keep school costs low.

Big guys hit big guys.
Hundreds of fights for low pay.
What boxing should be.

Backtalk: 5/6/2015

Dracut is white trash.
Ignore the lack of trailers.
They’re not Andover.

Olive Garden woes.
They need detail officers.
Wanna make a left.

Seriously man.
I just want my Endless Bowl.
Ain’t worth gettin’ killed.

Kent State Ohio.
Better parents would have helped.
Stupid protesters.

Sound Off. 5/6/2015

Tom’s no Patriot.
Patriots love their country.
Respect your leader.

We want casinos.
We’re going broke and need them.
Pretty straight forward.

Lived through Depression.
Hard work ain’t shit without jobs.
Some folks just got lucky.

Nurses are needed.
Why do the schools cut them first?
Kids are challenging.

Backtalk: 5/7/2015

Voted on Monday.
Controversy unnoticed.
Quiet election.

Peter Lucas fan.
Just expressing my fanhood.
My kind of writer.

Damn Marty Meehan.
Taking a big promotion.
Greedy ol’ sellout.

I’m not a racist.
I don’t like any looters.
Some lives don’t matter.

Six is more than two.
Triple the experience.
Must be corruption.

Backtalk: 5/8/2015

Pull your weight next time.
Maybe then you’ll get the job.
An example set.

Cost of gas is rigged.
They do it ev’ry summer.
Supplies haven’t changed.

Lucas and Malkin.
Nothing constructive offered.
Attacks without aim.

Varney Street landlord.
Legal issues should find him.
All I can ask for.

Backtalk: 5/9/2015

Brady should boycott.
Skip Roger Goodell’s party.
Champions are kings.

Cawley Stadium.
Disaster from snow dumping.
Repairs needed now.

Changing the venue.
Won’t help horse lady’s problems.
Word kind of got out.

Lib’ral media.
Hiding all the good stories.
Voters uninformed.

Sound Off. Saturday.

Can all sportswriters.
Attacking Saint Brady like that.
They hate his greatness.

Highway trees were cut.
Could have done a better job.
We look like the south.

Soros and Sharpton.
Got caught not paying taxes.
Stop blaming the Prez.

Don’t help illegals.
Why is the state doing this?
It ain’t fair or right.

Woolworth was beauty.
Don’t ruin it with classrooms.
Is nothing sacred?

Electric bill high.
We live in a mobile home.
Just doesn’t sound right.

 

05.02.15
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Back Off in #Haiku. April 27th – May 2nd.

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Sound Off. Monday.

We don’t stand a chance.
Boston won’t get Olympics.
Unrealistic fears.

Uranium deal.
Proof libs hate America.
Sold them Canada.

Annual tax raise.
Methuen’s great tradition.
Think I’m leaving soon.

Not many killers.
Ten percent of prisoners.
Their deaths won’t help much.

That’s just disgusting.
Killing people to save cash.
Slippery red slope.

McDonald’s wages.
The reason their sales are down.
Bad publicity.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Michelle Obama.
Too busy living the life.
Doesn’t care for vets.

More management jobs.
Voters said no to that shit.
Why are they hiring?

Hundred years ago.
Armenian genocide.
’twas Obama’s fault.

Staff at The Meadows.
Got me through a real tough time.
Ev’ryone kicked ass.

Street sweepers useless.
Only get center of road.
More sand than Hampton.

Salem Public Works.
Great job removing the litter.
People live like pigs.

 Sound Off. Wednesday.

Don’t like basketball.
It was fun in the sixties.
Kids can’t sink the rock.

Try self-employment.
You can learn it from a book.
You lazy bastard.

Unions United.
Not Citezens United.
They’re the damn problem.

Don’t deserve to live.
All you do is serve french fries.
Learn some Goddamn skills.

Bomber boy’s fam’ly.
Got to stay in a hotel.
On our goddam dime.

Sound Off. Thursday.

Turks are not Arabs.
They came from Central Asia.
Have their own language.

Starve the kid slowly.
One meal a day at high noon.
Offended at cost.

Working with their hands.
Just like our grandparents did.
McDonald’s is work

Bottle deposits.
Bums keep stealing from my bins.
Ripping off the town.

Boston is tiny.
We can’t even get around.
Never mind athletes.

Sound Off. Saturday.

“Heavily tattooed.”
Why’d you have to bring that up?
We’re not all gun nuts.

“Sorry ’bout the war.”
We deserve better than that.
It was a sick war.

Thanks a lot, douchebags.
Casino would have helped us.
Rot in hell, fossils.

We want casinos.
They’ll bring in major money.
Politicians suck.

Backtalk: 4/27/2015. Monday.

Question for Muslims:
Think Bomber Boy gets virgins?
Guessing he gets bitched.

Chris Christie loves pork.
He won’t wait till he’s older.
He’ll retire early.

Dead famous people.
Lowell knows many of them.
Clean up and cash in.

Backtalk: 4/28/2015

Over reacting.
Don’t need ladders for med calls.
Stop paying for that.

Leave Jesus alone.
Stop bullying poor Chrisians.
We want our free speech.

Adam Sandler screwed up.
Manchester won’t live it down.
Boy is their face red.

Backtalk: 4/29/2015

Report suspicions.
“See something say something” yo.
Nobody answers.

Baltimore people.
Don’t think they’re American.
They’re just terrorists.

That Martha Coakley.
Keep her out of my damn sight.
We don’t want you here.

I lost my damn kids.
Foster homes ain’t no damn good.
Some kids stay with scum.

Little gossip rag.
What The Sun now wants to be.
To hell with Affleck.

Backtalk: 4/30/2015

Ladders stay at home.
Never go to medicals.
Your lies are sleezy.

Ben Affleck movies.
Can’t expose Ted Cruz now.
Curses foiled again.

Sharpton and Jackson.
I’d say “go away you guys.”
But they’re not around.

Old folks don’t make trash.
Why should we pay for barrels?
Clean up the forest.

Backtalk: 5/1/2015

Recycle my ass.
Get you further than solar.
I can’t wait to die.

Thugs go to boot camp.
Then off to Afghanistan.
I’m batshit crazy.

Wicked Irish blues.
What Conflict of Interests?
Lowell is unique.

Pooch Cafe was nice.
Why did you cancel that strip?
Thought it was funny.

Unicorns must die.
Worse than sarcastic puppies.
I read the funnies.

Baltimore facetime.
Hillary and Liz Warren.
Where are those girls now?

Sitting in Dracut.
Expert on urban culture.
They’re all just hudlums.

Backtalk: 5/2/2015

The Prez shouldn’t joke.
The f word is serious.
Putin cuts babies.

You suck at your faith.
Hatred is not for Christians.
Just serve who walks in.

Midgets are boxing.
And making millions from it.
I like to watch cocks.

I hate Obama.
All he does is lie and cheat.
Promises broken.

Mom beating her son.
Didn’t want him protesting.
Conservative MILF.