[Please note: I haven’t explained the gimmick in a while for new readers. Here ya go: two newspapers along the Mass/NH border run columns consisting of transcribed calls from somewhat anonymous readers (The Lowell Sun actually publishes the voicemails on Soundcloud so you might be able to recognize somebody, or maybe it’s an impression). Anyway, I take the published versions of those calls and translate them into haiku. Sometimes they’re actually passable as real haiku. Sometimes. Enjoy.]

Backtalk: 4/13/2015

Money saved in life.
Death penalty appeals cost.
Throw away the key.

Tax cheat Al Sharpton.
Asking for even more laws.
Breaks the ones we have.

Kill the little prick.
Guilty on all thirty counts.
Only thing to do.

Elect new people.
I don’t like these ones at all.
People should step up.

Sound Off. Monday.

Hissing ain’t Christian.
It’s hateful and immature.
President was right.

Criticize Muslims.
They’re the one killing people.
President was wrong.

Prisoner got fat.
Gained almost two hundred pounds.
Give him just one meal.

Didn’t like the play.
Too raunchy for my liking.
Waste of my taxes.

Vegans like fake meat.
Why not just eat the real thing?
Seems crazy to me.

Let’s support progress.
I want pipelines and rail yards.
NIMBY’s can suck it.

Sound Off. Tuesday.

Lots of bad drivers.
Makes it hard to walk downtown.
Mostly young hoodlums.

Rich are taxed enough.
Much higher rate than us schmucks.
I wouldn’t want that.

Turn signals are nice.
People should learn to use them.
Offer some classes.

Bright yellow trash bags.
Sign of streets getting cleaner.
Pete Boisselle did that.

Sound Off. Wednesday.

Bomber has his youth.
Many years will come his way.
That’s too expensive.

Jobs done away with.
Self-service check out counters.
Please stop using them.

Vegetarians.
Like taste but not killing things.
Why they substitute.

Haverhill Clean Up Day.
Just need one hundred people.
River Park cleans quickly.

Plaistow filled with trash.
Used to be a pretty town.
Trucks, trash, and traffic.

In front of your house.
Will take you just ten minutes.
Earth begins at home.

The rich have too much.
Doesn’t matter what they pay.
Money is power.

Backtalk: 4/15/2015

Drivers are stupid.
Wiper law over their heads.
Make the cars smarter.

Tewksbury potholes.
Fill them or make obvious.
Fragile vehicles.

Horse lady step down.
No one buys your snow excuse.
Inhumane disgrace.

I fed my horses.
All through the record winter.
Select to step down.

She has other faults.
Way more than just horse neglect.
Let’s pile it all on.

Schools heat isn’t on.
Kids wearing jackets to class.
Cut costs somewhere else.

Sound Off. Thursday.

We bought Hill a van.
She’s worth a hundred million.
Strikes me as bullshit.

Big money backs Hill.
She won’t get big money out.
No one’s buying it.

Cut wasteful spending.
Don’t tax the rich any more.
Numbers have spoken.

Rich guys all left France.
Got tired of that high tax rate.
Now that country sucks.

Rich folks can just move.
Live anywhere that they please.
Leave taxes behind.

SSI’s a scam.
Just another Ponzi scheme.
Jail the government.

Backtalk: 4/16/2015. Thursday.

Hated her husband.
Don’t want her taking the job.
No more dynasties.

Horse lady helped out.
But she needs to just move on.
No excuse for that.

Meter enforcement.
Now includes eves and weekends.
Questionable call.

Comic strip got dropped.
How are these decisions made?
Nobody asked me.

Backtalk: 4/17/2015

Headlights and wipers.
There’s good reason for that law:
Only assholes don’t.

Hill attacks high pay.
Makes bank from public speaking.
More hypocrisy.

Handicap crackdown.
Burlington enforcing laws.
Tewksbury should too.

No competition.
Comcast has monopoly.
Choices would be nice.

Sound Off. Saturday.

Time to get a grip.
Clinton won’t take guns away.
Time for female Prez.

Drugstore won’t sell smokes.
Yet the town hands out hard drugs.
Absolute madness.

This is pure evil.
I need my damn cigarettes.
The Bible warned us.

Cars move with lights off.
Another law unenforced.
Dangerous assholes.

Granite State dieing.
Services cut while costs rise.
Burden to business.

SSI’s legit.
Not a scam since we all know.
Honesty is key.

Fat will not be cut.
An empty campaign promise.
No one thinks they’re fat.

Killer was stupid.
God made him a good player.
Greatness thrown away.

Backtalk: 4/18/2015. Saturday.

Wannabe martyr.
Bomber boy expected death.
Desires unfulfilled.

License plate stolen.
Has sentimental value.
No rest for “WICKENS.”
[Seriously, if you see it on your kid’s wall return it to the poor guy. 361 Littleton Road, Chelmsford].

All they do is lie.
Can’t trust them on anything.
Wake up ‘merica.