Back Off in #Haiku. 12/22-12/27/14.

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Backtalk: 12/22/2014

Taxes increasing.
Can’t blame Lynch for it this time.
Wagon train heads north.

Love Cuban cigars.
Obama’s the greatest Prez.
His Care cures cancer.

Kmart bird killer.
We knew he was evil back then.
We were placing bets.

No crime in Dracut?
Or are cops just too lazy?
Too much paperwork.

Chelmsford should learn math.
School Committee overdrawn.
Serve them refreshments.

I’m 87.
I still say “Merry Christmas.”
And read newspapers.

Nick DeSilvio.
Focus on the school budget.
Not nepotism.

Sound Off Dec 22

Activists clueless.
War is sometimes the answer.
Remember Nazis.

Reagan fought unions.
Airport workers made too much.
He did it for us.

Unions save workers.
We’d have nothing without them.
Depression was real.

We need power plants.
Industrial park was first.
Know where you move to.

It isn’t torture.
And who cares if it might be?
Patriots kick ass.

Backtalk 12/23/14

Watch ‘Wonderful Life.’
That movie is magical.
Watch it ev’ry year.

Pot farm a huge win?
Manager has glaucoma.
We need a vision.

Cupples Square hookers.
Same two girls night after night.
No reason for that.

Packages stolen?
UPS isn’t concerned.
I once worked for them.

Warren not running?
I hope she keeps that promise.
Or I’ll leave the States.

State doesn’t rob us.
Just prints more lotto tickets.
Riding the addicts.

Tewksbury center.
Fill the empty windows first.
Flowers won’t draw much.

Backtalk 12/24/14

They’re not all addicts.
Homelessness is common now.
People have to eat.

Young man paid my bill.
Market Basket on Wood Street.
Merry Christmas sir.

Backtalkers sound old.
Entitled 90-year-olds.
Get over yourselves.

Lowell ain’t Chelmsford.
Smaller increase is still high.
Seniors can’t pay it.

Backtalk: 12/26/2014

Utilities increase.
Pipeline needed to save money.
Tree huggers choke us.

Don’t pay for sex change.
Not where I want taxes spent.
Children are dieing.

Dracut does plenty.
Buy a scanner and listen.
Arrests ev’ry day.

Goodwill towards men?
Let’s throw in women and kids.
Peace on Earth to all.

Ungrateful shoppers.
4 percent discount all year.
Hats off to Art T.

Backtalk: 12/27/2014

National Grid hike.
Rate went up 60 percent.
That hurts old people.

Electric rates went up.
Seventy bucks more this month.
And it’s Christmas time.

Menorahs are up.
Lowell’s a real melting pot.
City Hall looks nice.

Interview movie.
Killing an active leader?
That did cross the line.

I don’t like Coakley.
Chicks shouldn’t have confidence.
Go find a new job.

Check out my new (on sale) Spinners hat.

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If the Chicago Blackhawks Indian head is the best logo in sports, this Spinners logo has to be on deck for the top spot…for whenever we get around to be offended by a native with colorful feathers.

Seriously, this thing is throwing mid 90’s with movement. Gentleman are going to start taking their hats off indoors again because they can’t compete.

Back Off in #Haiku 12/15-20/2014

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Backtalk: 12/15/2014

Student protesters.
Never learned time management.
Ripped off by Harvard.

Cemetery leaves.
Be nice if they picked those up.
Winter is coming.

Supporting torture.
Our enemies can be cruel.
Let your anger judge.

It isn’t torture.
They crashed planes into buildings.
All things justified..

Sound Off: 12/15/2014

Cheap gas stims spending?
Not when electric goes up.
And all other bills.

Methuen tax rate.
Annual increase again.
They love doing that.

Fishing industry.
Low-pay jobs with too high risks.
Boats facing sunset.

Lawrence City Council.
Talking about their dress code.
Ties fix broke windows.

Athletes suspended.
Players don’t respect their schools.
Prodigal returns.

Chamber of Commerce.
Cowards denying Christmas.
While it surrounds them.

Terrorists don’t reason.
We need to be just like them.
Reasoning is bad.

Sound Off: 12/17/2014

War is about pain.
We can’t afford to be nice.
No hugs for bombers.

Professors union.
College is just a business.
Students should do same.

Heroin problem.
Don’t let addicts run programs.
Just tell them to stop.

Not out to win hearts.
We’re trying to win a war.
Innocents will die.

Backtalk: 12/17/2014

All is beautiful.
Good job there ev’rybody.
Watch Megyn Kelly.

Chelmsford’s light display.
Nothing compared to neighbors.
Where do taxes go?

I just love torture.
Justified for thirteen years.
Pass me the lotion.

Industrial Ave.
New pavement starting to crack.
Check contract safeguards.

Don’t fix Ferguson.
Let the protesters rebuild.
Bed of cold ashes.

Backtalk: 12/18/2014

Sex change for inmate?
Not a medical problem.
Life’s not always nice.

Drug addicts begging.
Halfway up the Connector.
Manners would be nice.

Dracut hubcap thief.
Your needs are sadly present.
Prayers for your health.

Packages stolen.
FedEx leaves a trail of notes.
Small scavenger hunt.

Flint’s Corner traffic.
Improvements are beautiful.
Common sense prevails.

Sound Off: 12/18/2014

Power plants too close.
Don’t trust the politicians.
They’ve lied about worse.

Do unto others
Before they do it to you.
Cut their damn heads off.

Turn off your high beams.
Get glasses if you can’t see.
Magoo is texting.

Sure no laws were passed.
That don’t mean the Right is bad.
Not all laws are good.

Backtalk: 12/19/2014

Fire Frank Tiano.
Keep the pressure till he flees.
Remember to vote.

Zoning scared buyer.
Wrecking ball kills history.
Out of town and mind.

Love Luna Theatre.
We’ve needed it for decades.
Classic heartwarmers.

Media coverage.
All fights and nothing useful.
Seniors need raises.

Christmas lights are off.
Electric bills have doubled.
National Grinch sucks.

Sound Off Dec 19, 2014

Prison’s expensive.
Cheaper to get rapists fixed.
Street living takes balls.

Haverhill apartments.
Don’t need to build any more.
Schools are too crowded.

“Interview” cancelled.
I just want better movies.
Protest Grown Ups 3.

We don’t need more laws.
Blocking bad laws is crucial.
Nothing needs to change.

I want my free speech!
I’m saying “Merry Christmas!”
FEEL MY MERRINESS!!!

Schools don’t need unions.
Instructors receive tenure.
Unions guard the weak.

Backtalk: 12/20/2014

CHRISTmas greeting cards.
Easy to find if you look.
CVS has them.

Mark Wahlberg’s record.
He must think it’s Hollywood.
Real world don’t forgive.

Marathon bomber.
Demonstrators support him.
We have a jury.

Cuppples Square clean-up.
Store owners got together.
Bridge Street should do same.

Chelmsford fire station.
Old place all closed and boarded.
History condemned.

Cops need more training.
We can agree on that point.
But they’re still human.

MB employees.
They all got their bonuses.
I want something too.

FOX25 has no idea what a ManCave is.

EPAMANCAVESecret taxpayer funded mancave in Woburn uncovered – Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston.

WOBURN, Mass. (MyFoxBoston.com) — A secret taxpayer funded “mancave” used by government  contractors has been uncovered in Woburn.

FOX 25 obtained an audit performed by the US Inspector General’s office that found gym equipment, sleeping bags and a bike repair tool kit inside a warehouse at a Woburn office park rented out by the EnvironmentalProtection  Agency.

The EPA says the warehouse in Woburn is used to store equipment needed for emergency response in the area. Instead, it was being used as a mancave by contractors hired by the federal government..

“Every guy wants to have a mancave, but they get one paid for by the taxpayers of the federal government,” said Greg Sullivan, research director at the Pioneer Institute and former state Inspector General. “And that’s really unfortunate.

At the Woburn location, “they actually saw a climbing wall,” said Kevin Christensen, who is with the EPA office of the Inspector General.

The audit was done between April 2013 and August 2014. The EPA leased the 4,500 Sq. foot at a cost  of $71,000 per year. Contractors paid more than half a million dollars to manage it.

The inspector general found contractors were “having personal packages received at the epa warehouse, storing and potentially using exercise equipment and bicycle repair  equipment, and storing personal sleeping bags in vacant spaces,” according to the audit.

When asked why the EPA needed this type of storage facility, Sullivan said  “well, that’s one of the questions the federal IG’s office is hammering here. Why do we need this much space? They looked at what’s being stored. Not a lot of it is needed, should never have been stored in the first place.”

Hey Fox, thanks for the hard hitting journalism.  Maybe for your next piece you can investigate what the fuck an actual MancaveMantown is, because that’s the worst MancaveMantown I’ve ever seen.  Looks like a Siberian prison cell.  No TV’S, no pool table, no kegerator, no mention of the RedZone channel?  Who the fuck wants to hang out there? The whole point of a MancaveMantown is to be a sanctuary filled with fun and comfort…where plumbing and floor joists keep the farts in and the wives out.  If I invited my buddy Dunny over to the EPA MancaveMantown on a Sunday, he’d stab me on the spot. (and piss all over that weight bench in his disappointment that it’s not a BowFlex)

So if the EPA is firing folks over this, I have to assume it’s based on someone’s claim that this was intended to be a MancaveMantown, a clear demonstration of ineptitude.  Otherwise on paper, this just looks like a workplace that has a nap area, and an employee gym…aka Google (Or any Tech company pre-2006).

PS.  I’m not sure who authorized the phase out of “ManTown” in favor of the ambiguous “ManCave,” but we need to switch as soon as possible.  It’s awesome when your wife lets you have a bunch guys in your “ManTown.”  ManCave…not so much.

Double PS.  Mr. Despicable has never been invited to ManTown.  Probably because he never shuts up about flight school.

Mr Despicable

 

h/t to Mahk for the link.

Back Off in #Haiku. 12/8-13/2014

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[Please note: sometimes I write original haiku, no angry people required. These haiku are of about the same quality though so… you know… no big awards yet. Here’s a few examples.

We are all giants.
On Little People Island.
Except the midgets.

Don’t call me “grampa.”
I never had any kids.
Blood tests all proved it.

Moshpit clears sight lines.
I can see the singer now.
Short people in the back.]

Backtalk 12/8/14

Conflict of int’rest.
Not relevant to Chelmsford.
Nick D hired his wife.

Won’t vote for Dems now.
They just give money away.
I’m am not a troll.

Commodore Ballroom.
Kids today don’t have spots to meet.
Need a place like that.

Christmas tree smokestack.
That always makes me happy.
Stare at it all night.

Selective outrage.
White kid in Salt Lake got shot.
Officer was black.

Officials greedy.
Seventy thou with raise due.
Overpaid at half.

Cosby accusers.
Should be ashamed of themselves.
Money is the goal.

Sound Off 12/8/14

U.S. in second.
Not ‘cuz we buy Chinese shit.
It’s Obama’s fault.

Our founding fathers.
All spinning in their coffins.
Constitution killed.

Liberals own press.
That’s why the gov is corrupt.
Lamestream media.

Prez ignores Congress.
Picks and chooses his own laws.
Empowers the hate.

Those damn protesters.
Nothing but raging hatred.
What The Prez wanted.

Flunk the President.
Give this guy a passing grade?
Hands up in defeat.

Dems just buying votes.
Government spends way too much.
Right wing has no say.

Fifty years of Dems.
That’s why we’re in the shitter.
Scaring wealth away.

Corporations leave.
Take jobs to other countries.
Damn your labor laws.

Three thousand folks quit.
Just moved out of the country.
Because Dems robbed them.

Anonymity.
Gives people the strength to speak.
Just like alcohol.

Anonymity.
Like a closet for loud folks.
But we know your voice.

Plowers all greedy.
Don’t deserve a raise at all.
Kiss my frozen ass.

Handicap spaces.
Dollar Tree only has two.
Too many old folks.

Backtalk: 12/9/2014

Put stuff up for vote.
Taxpayers micromanage.
The way it should be.

Misplaced compassion.
Lots of people have been shot.
Not all of them thugs.

Al Sharpton racist.
A poisonous ministry.
The Prez ain’t helping.

Protesters killed stores.
They should pass the hat for them.
Livelihoods ruined.

Chelmsford school system.
Don’t know if they’re too inept.
Or just arrogant.

Pedestrians struck.
Prob’ly ’cause of how they dress.
They’re looking for it.

Sound Off Dec 9

Graffiti is art.
As long as there’s quality.
Any schmuck can tag.

Raise the minimum.
Republicans should do that.
Get credit for it.

Don’t use debit cards.
Hackers will ruin your life.
No safeguards in place.

Getting kids I.D.’d?
What kind of event is this?
That’s not my Christmas.

Chill Fest is dieing.
Name change is just the last straw.
Coldness killed Christmas.

Rich folks are brilliant.
The Larry Birds of money.
You’re just not that good.

Rich older people.
Money just going to waste.
We should tax them more.

Iranian jets.
Vietnam-era F-4’s.
Where do they get parts?

Iranian jets.
Engines are made by GE.
Friends of Obama.

Backtalk: 12/10/2014

Principal was mean.
Shouldn’t yell at the parents.
Even if they suck.

I slipped on the ice.
Group of people helped me up.
Lowell ain’t all bad.

Chelmsford school issues.
Two-year report almost due.
Losing library.

Assistant DA’s.
Lowest paid courtroom workers.
Clearly deserve more.

DeSilvio quote:
“They’re talking out of their ass.”
Vote that bastard out.

Mr. Tiano.
Confused about the uproar.
He needs to go too.

Sound Off Dec 10,

My soul is ashamed.
Seven Lawrence councilors.
Sitting with Mayor.

Mayor Lantigua.
Purged good workers for their ties.
This be not justice.

Lawrence is tiny.
Covers less than eight square miles.
We are a small town.

Residency hurts.
Not a realistic demand.
Smart folks don’t live here.

Coal mines closing up.
Miners will survive longer.
They’ll be carnies now.

“Coal mining just sucks.
No future in it at all.”
– Lib’ral Arts major.

Fought against Seabrook.
Fighting against the pipeline.
Nothing but NIMBY.

Purchase a SnowBrum.
Won’t damage your car’s paint job.
Ice chunks hurt drivers.

Gas will rise again.
That’s what Obama will do.
It’s what he ran on.

Backtalk: 12/11/2014

You call that torture?
They’re cutting our throats open.
We just give them baths.

Middlesex College.
New President approved quickly.
Suspicious minds nod.

Minimum must go.
It’s unfair to billionaires.
Don’t make them angry.

Can’t find Christmas cards.
ACLU burned then all.
Have to write notes now.

Won’t fight injustice.
But I’ll protest school budgets.
Looting the lunchroom.

Kill the country club.
Use that to fund the high school.
Students aren’t golfing.

Sound Off Dec 11

Slippery sidewalks.
All schools should have been delayed.
Children are fragile.

“Don’t talk of torture.
That just makes us all look bad.”
-Commander Cosby.

Rich aren’t investing.
That’s why there aren’t better jobs.
Tax them till it helps.

Invest in workers.
Don’t move jobs to Asian hell holes.
Treasonous bastards.

One-percent pay gap.
400,000 ain’t much.
But they made the cut.

One third of taxes.
How much the one-percent pays.
Seems unfair to them.

Close the Sandown School.
Responsible thing to do.
Money gets tighter.

Backtalk: 12/12/2014

Bikelanes don’t get used.
Bikes are all on the sidewalk.
Waste of resources.

Business manager.
Still being paid to stay home?
Cash needed elsewhere.

Too much heroin.
Cities aren’t doing enough.
Lock up all dealers.

Served in Vietnam.
Spat on by hippies after.
Flunk the protesters.

K-Murph’s idea.
Menorahs up at Christmas.
Let’s give him credit.

Sound Off Dec 12

Chillfest got cold rain.
God was mad about name change.
Blinded by the smite.

Filmmaker in jail.
For vid that pissed off Muslims.
Senators go free.

Pricey consultant.
School board can’t cover that cost.
Other expenses.

Population increase.
Jobs never kept up with it.
Good ones got shipped out.

Protesting students.
Finals shouldn’t be delayed.
Students aren’t learning.

Backtalk: 12/13/2014

A simple delay.
Enough time to let ice melt.
All we were asking.

Protesters skipped class.
Would have done more good in school.
Protests are useless.

UML busses.
Hiding out away from school.
And they’re all empty.

Homeless veterans.
That’s who we should be housing.
Not some illegals.

Billerica crime up.
Be sure to lock up your house.
Or just stay in it.

Sound Off Dec 13

Gramps was a miner.
No shame in a hard day’s work.
This gen don’t get that.

China uses coal.
They understand how things work.
Eco-cars use coal.

Retaliation.
Might come for torture reports.
That’d be Cheney’s fault.

North Andover High.
Principal suspended coach.
Don’t mess with our sports.

A Gift Givers Guide for the Ladies: Life of Burt Reynolds Auction Edition

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Hey Ladies,

Let’s get something straight, “It’s the thought that matters” is an old holiday expression coined by losers that sucked at giving Christmas presents.  It’s December 9th already.  It’s time to get your heads out of your asses and start getting serious about honoring the men in your life to the fullest.  Don’t be a loser.

The bad news is that science has proven that shitty gift giving is a genetic predisposition that will haunt your life forever.  Fortunately for you, that doesn’t matter this year because every guy is asking for the same thing: something from The Life of Burt Reynolds collection.  No Malls, No crowds.  Just go ahead and spread out on your comfy couch with a glass of Riesling and a credit card, and let your imagination guide you.  I took the time to hand pick the best of the bunch for your and rated them using the Burt Reynolds Mustache Rating System:

Stache ratings 1 thru 5.

5 Staches being the greatest gift since they invented Jesus to add a little depth to the holiday.

BURT REYNOLDS 1952 PALM BEACH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TROPHY

Trophy1“A football trophy presented to Burt Reynolds in 1952 from Palm Beach High School in Florida. The two-tier trophy features a metal football figure at top with an eagle figure mounted to the wood base. At the center of the trophy is an engraved metal plaque that reads “Buddy Reynolds/ All Southern/ Honorable Mention/ All State/ First Team/ All City/ First Team/ 1952.” Affixed to the base of the trophy is another metal plaque that reads “Palm Beach High School.”

Fantasy Football blows.  I’m in four leagues, they all suck. But if you’re telling me Burt Reynold’s 1952 High School trophy could potentially be starring on my mantle, I’m back in.  Grab this piece of hardware for your favorite guy and he’ll be at the top everyone’s league invite list next season. (AKA, you get to captain the remote control… and its Bravo marathon’s for the entire month of August.)

Gift Rating: 2 Staches

BURT REYNOLDS MARTINA NAVRATILOVA SIGNED AND INSCRIBED PHOTOGRAPH

Martina Burt

“A print of a black and white photograph featuring tennis legend Martina Navratilova. Navratilova has inscribed the photograph “Dear Burt- / this is where the/ action is!/ Martina” in black marker. Framed.”

Martina Navratilova, one of the greatest Tennis players ever and perhaps the first universally accepted gay athlete…telling the Wayne Gretzky of sex symbols that “This is where the action is” is the funniest thing these eyes have ever seen.  I am woefully immature, and ignorant.  So is the guy you’re trying to buy a gift for.

Gift Rating: 4 Staches

BURT REYNOLDS ROBE Continue reading