What you should realistically expect to hear from Roger Goodell….

nflcrimes

pic from mediacriminaljustice.blogspot.com

I’m not posting the video as it’s depressingly savage…if not the punch, the image of Ray waiting for the doors to open to drag his unconscious fiancé off the elevator.  If you’re curious, it can be found everywhere but here.   

At this point, you’ve got to be wondering, “How omnipotent is the NFL shield? ” Like society’s benchmark for deplorable doesn’t seem to apply at all, and in that regard, it doesn’t seem that the league itself cares to align itself with that standard in any way shape or form.  While the general public expects a reasonably measured response from Rog and crew,  I expect more of the usual bull shit coming from New York:

“Did anyone read that story about the NBA booting yet another racist owner from their ranks?  You’d think it was 1954, not 2014. Shameful.”  –Roger Goodell 

“It’s frustrating to me as a commissioner when these occurrences happen because it takes away from all the good that we’re doing as a league.  Like it’s been almost a full calendar year since one of our players has been indicted for murder…which ya know…on paper, is worse than domestic violence.” –Roger Goodell

“Yes it is true that we received a copy of this tape last week, but we delayed comment and action until our experts could determine beyond a reasonable doubt that this wasn’t part of “the Fappening.” –Roger Goodell

“As part of our expanded emphasis on long term health and to demonstrate our commitment to the absolute abolishment of major head trauma from the NFL…player’s wives, girlfriends, and sidepieces will receive a female adaptive version of Wes Welker’s helmet to be worn at all times.  Removal of the helmet will result in a league imposed fine for 1st time offenders, and an automatic season suspension and mandatory counseling for repeat offenders.  And for our female fans, a pink replica will be available in all official team stores and ShopNFL.com for the duration of Break Cancer Awareness Month.” –Roger Goodell

“With regard to our young fans’ exposure to this event through the prism of Madden Football, our partners at EA Sports have agreed to also take action per our request.  While Ray Rice cannot be physically removed from the game, Ray Rice’s player rating will be adjusted retroactively.  Gamers deploying Ray Rice will see a marginal increase in Strength Rating (STR-92) and Elusiveness (ELV-87…not to be confused with “elevator.”), and a significant decrease in Awareness (AWR-72), and Personality Rating (PER-70).” –Roger Goodell

“While it’s hard to find any ray of light…sorry, no pun intended…in such a dark situation, it should be noted that the cutting of Ray Rice now makes this by rule, a technical knock-out (TKO), and a win for Jannay Palmer.  That’s at least good for bragging rights.  Speaking of bragging rights, have you and your friends registered to play NFL Fantasy Football on NFL.com?” –Roger Goodell

“Our players are the most finely tuned athletes in the world, programmed to endure and distribute physical punishment on a 57.6 thousand square foot battlefield.  I’m not really sure why the make elevators so small?  We’re in early discussions with engineers over at OTIS to consider NFL friendly adaptations to their future models.” –Roger Goodell

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2 thoughts on “What you should realistically expect to hear from Roger Goodell….

  1. AFTER Chris Brown used his girlfriend’s face as a speed-bag, he has been on ALL the morning prime time news programs to promote his albums. The company everybody is celebrating today (Apple) has helped him to sell thousands of downloads of his music. He’s been on Ellen’s show, Tyra Banks and nobody is complaining. So I guess there has to be video proof before we all get our outrage on. Still photos of Rihanna’s bruised and battered face and continued thuggish behavior hasn’t slowed Chris Brown a bit nor apparently the media’s desire to promote him.

    • Between you and I jake, I’m just annoyed that we’ve already moved past last week’s Fappening. All it takes is a weekend to recharge the blow-hard batteries.

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