Can I Be Frank?: The Obituary of Alice

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OBITUARIES:

Alice Nelson – housekeeper, meat lover, lonely spinster

Long time maid and housekeeper Alice Nelson passed away at the tender age of 88.

Ms. Nelson was a the longtime housekeeper for Mr. Michael Brady and his family. The late Mr. Brady, his second and estranged wife Carol and their combined 6 children lived in a strange looking home with an Astroturf lawn in Fakesville, CA. Ms. Nelson was a devoted caregiver, dinner maker and blue dress wearer for more than 10 years until her retirement in 1974. Following her tenure with the Brady Family, Ms Nelson went in to a deep depression due to painful mental anguish inflicted by the Brady family. After years of shock therapy and medication Ms. Nelson revealed she was tormented on a daily basis by each and every member of the Bradys.  In addition to forcibly being ordered to constantly wear a medium-blue frock with a sad white apron day in and day out, Ms Nelson conceded to the fact that she was continuously berated by sexual innuendos and the threat of violence against her.

Following her discharge from the renown Phillips Institute, Ms Nelson’s life continued to take a turn for the worst.  In 1983 she entered a long daze of drug use including meth amphetamine and crack cocaine.  Members of Ms Nelson’s real family are quoted as describing Alice as “a raging and rampant drug user who would stop at nothing to get her next fix.”.  After several stints in rehab treatment centers, Ms Nelson got clean and sober and attempted to reenter her life as a housekeeper.  Sadly, this would not be a lasting recovery.  In 1987, she was caught stealing from her employer, a Mr Clifford Huxtable. Found in her possession were (43) of Mr Huxtable’s lavish sweaters valued at more than $3 million dollars.  Bouncing from job to job, Ms Nelson finally managed a short lived career in lowe budget maid pornography films, but soon drifted back to her dark hole of drug use.  Often seen wandering on Hollywood Boulevard wearing her same housekeeping outfit from her time with the Brady Family mumbling the phrase ‘More coffee Mr. Brady?’, Ms Nelson seemed to be condemned to a death sentence by overdose.

However, in 2001, through the help of her long time companion, Mr. Samuel Franklin, Ms Nelson defeated her demons and left her storied past of addiction behind.  Ms Nelson became an active member and spokesperson for M.A.D. @ U.U. (Maids Against Drugs & Ugly Uniforms).  She spearheaded a national public speaking tour and helped hundreds of distressed housekeepers across the country free themselves from the daily grind of abusive employers like the Bradys.

In 2010, she married Mr. Franklin at the home of Ms. Jan Brady’s in Santa Clara, California (the only Brady that Ms. Nelson kept in contact with following her employment).  A private, but lavish ceremony was held for the bride and groom where pork chops and apple sauce were served to their 9 guests inclucding Joe Namath and Don Drysdale.

This past year, Ms. Nelson’s health continued to fail and in an apparent “fall” over the weekend Nelson would never awake.  Police believe foul play may be involved and Nelson’s husband, Mr. Franklin, and a “Cousin” Oliver Tyler have been taken in for questioning.

Ms. Nelson will lie in state the home of Mr. Lawrence Dittmeyer, a former neighbor of Nelson during her service for the Brady family.  Following the private ceremony, Ms. Nelson’s body will be cremated by Mr Dittmeyer’s famous BBQ pit.

In lieu of flowers, please make donations in Ms. Nelson’s name to “The Johnny Bravo Foundation for Bell Bottom Rehabilitation.”

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