You happy, soccer fans?


Ya couldn’t keep your mouths shut. For whatever reason it became so important to everyone to convert all the “non-believers” out there that soccer is a great sport…that you need to get into the game because it’s only a matter of time before everyone in the US morphs into an Italian Ultra on Saturdays. Well guess what…F’ you! I can’t enjoy my footie anymore because I’m constantly being trolled by assholes. I’ve got claptraps like Anne Coulter clogging my twitter feed with…well, I don’t know what she’s saying. I’ve got John Dennis declaring US Soccer as pathetic because they “parked the bus” against Germany (Google Chelsea-Champions League-2013). I’ve got Eric Wilbur taking a dump on what I would consider the most technically dominant performance for US Soccer on the World Stage…ever! I’ve got jackasses sitting on bar stools next to me plotting the installation of hockey blue lines.  I’ve got NBA fans on the other side telling me their disdain for tickie-tackie foul dramtics.

This could have been great, but no. Instead, I am forced to suffer until this god forsaken tourney ends and Champions League qualifiers begin in peaceful obscurity.

So do me a favor, if you’re not watching soccer, don’t. The sport sucks. It’s not worth your time.

This Week in Science in Haiku

Alaskan humpbacks.
Now making a huge comeback.
Tour dates coming soon.


Baby eagle died.
Parents abandoned the nest.
Webcam ratings up.


Fossilized feces.
Neanderthals ate veggies.
Weren’t dicks about it.


Crowd funding for Mars.
MIT sending selfies.
Mars don’t need that shit.


Big sharks look healthy.
2,000 plus in Cali.
Some just got work done.


Face made for punching.
Evolution’s defenses.
Caveman Boxing League.

Bike Ride to Walden

Thoreau kind of annoys me sometimes. In the age of the Pony Express he made a big deal about camping in his backyard and talked about living simply while sending his laundry out… which I guess is a pretty simple thing to do. Still though, if it weren’t for him (and Don Henley) Walden Pond would probably have condos all around it. So, thank-you Hank.

Walden as it stands is a pretty cool place. Other than the main beach (which they occasionally have to close down due to diaper rash epidemics) the water is clean. The two-mile trail around it is well-maintained, and the ticks are nowhere near as bad as they are in Connecticut.

The downside of Walden is having to pay for parking which I think is like seven bucks now. Easy way around that: ride in. The pond is a short and relatively flat fifteen miles from CrossPoint.

Full directions: Follow the Bruce Freeman trail all the way to the end and take a left onto 225 followed by a quick right onto Blane St which becomes West St before becoming Westford Rd. Then it’s a right turn onto Lowell Rd for a couple of miles (heavier traffic) before taking a right onto Keyes, a left on Main and a quick right onto Walden. Follow Walden a couple of miles to cross Rt 2 at the lights and Walden Pond is less than half a mile up. Bike racks available.

If you’d like to preview the ride just to make sure you’ve got it all down please watch the video from the comfort of your stationary bike. Enjoy.

Rob Gronkowski spotted in Lowell!


Sure, it could very well be Rob Gronkowski shuffling his way down Central Street. (I pictured Gronk as more of a Merrimack Street kinda guy, but whatevs…) It could also be Bill Belichick giving Gronk an “It’s a Wonderful Life” style glimpse of what his future holds should he continue to be a Vegas fixture. To me this just wreaks of Belichick sourcery: “See Rob, if you keep doing your rehab at Rehab, you’re going to become an aimless day walker cruising the sidewalks of Lowell in a half Canadian Tuxedo as the dew point approaches a 100% in June.”



Thanks Frank

30 year contract extension in Lowell.


We’re staying. Two kids, a transplant wife, and a Beagle.

There are probably a million towns between here and Boston that probably make more sense geographically for raising my family. If you’re a school system rankings kind of guy, the USA Today, Coaches, and the BCS Computer are all suggesting that we’re still chasing Lexington. But I can’t shake this place. I love it. I love the range. I love the history. I love the culture. I love the comedy. I love the sadness. I love the embarrassment. I love New Lowell. I love Old Lowell. I love the Asian Boyz and TRG.  I love the pride. I love the disdain. I love the indifference. I love the people who are passionately burning calories to make the place better, and I love the shitbirds that continue to make them feel like they HAVE to make the place better. I love reputation. I love disproving the reputation. I love Lamp.

…now back to the regularly scheduled “mean spirited” blogs.

City Council Agenda in Haiku for 6/24/14.

(for the complete agenda in its traditional format please visit )

Congrats Cobblestones.
20 years and still running.
Without punching kids.

ATM contracts.
For select city buildings.
“Not for bribes” big print.

Fireworks illegal.
Just like the rest of the state.
What am I missing?

Rita wants big fines.
Firework penalties too low.
“Special unit” time.

Time for Pickle Ball!
What the hell is pickleball?
Something no kid plays.

FEMA flood standards.
Thirteen hundred other towns.
Reason Rod says ‘no.’

“Inspect the bridges.”
Load limits are a big concern.
Time limits are not.