Time to make that climb back up on to my soapbox again. The topic at hand is text messaging. Text messaging (‘texting’) has revolutionized communication. We all now have the ability to instantly and directly reach 1 or 50 people in a matter of seconds. No longer are we bound to pick up the phone and perform the arduous task of pressing, like, 10 buttons and actually have to converse with another human. No, no. Pleasantries and politeness are not needed to the world of texting.

“Pick you up in 10 mins”

“Dinner at 6?”

“This is a lot of blood.”

At the speed of sound (or that of your cellular carrier) we can cut through all the goobily guck and get straight to the point.

Truth be told, I absolutely love texting. I love NOT having to talk to as many people as possible. Be honest, so do you. Sure, this practice has possibly hurt our ability to convey our feelings, thoughts and ideas in a vocal manner, but so what? I am just as happy getting that silly heart-shape emoji as a real ‘I love you’. Really, I’m cool with it.

Anyway, overall I am a big fan of texting but there is a specific aspect of this everyday routine that grinds my gears:

Selective texting or, as I have coined it, “Selexting”.

“Selexting” is the practice of selectively choosing when and if you respond to another person’s text message to you.

Selexting pisses me off and here is why…

While I do not proclaim to be the Alexander Graham Bell of modern technology and communication, I feel confident in saying that texting is a relatively fool proof system of digital correspondence. Unless you are using completely dated cell phone technology (i.e. the flip phone) or your carrier is ‘Guatemalan Jim’s Off Shore Towers’ then you know that 99% of those texts are reaching your audience. And if that is the case, then why do people think they have the right to suddenly not answer you?

Flimsy answers like these usually follow a dark hole of un-communication:

“I didn’t get your message?”

“My phone died.”

“My mom had mild seizure.”

I’m calling bull shizzil. On you, you and YOU.

Of course, there are those times when we actually do put the phone down for a while (although, except for sleeping and surgery, do we really?) but for the most part we are all an arm’s length from our mobile device at any given time. Selexting has replaced the ‘push to voicemail move’. It has replaced the non-responsive email move. The problem is that you can always get away with a missed call. You can certainly say you are buried under emails and missed one. You can not, however, hide from the always dependable text that you see pop right up in front of you.

I could continue to rant, but instead I am here to help. Like anyone, sometimes you don’t want to deal with people for a million different reasons but, as explained above, the sender of that text knows you are playing a game. So, have some legit instant responses ready to go that are sure to cast some doubt and allow you to safely ignore a friend, colleague or loved one.

If you want to be left alone and not exchange lengthy texts with your….

WIFE/GIRLFRIEND
“Hey, can’t talk, getting a surprise for you. :)”

You will totally be left alone for the near future. Of course, you now need to get a surprise but who doesn’t like gum?

HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND
“In Victoria’s Secret…see you later. ;)”

That dude on the receiving end will give you all the time and space you need.

MOM
“Such a stressful day, Mom. Really could use your home cooking”

This is a cheap ploy but…oh well. Not sure how your Mom operates, but I would have my 10 favorite meals prepared for me by sundown and still not need to call her back.

DAD
“Golfing”

Dad is always proud to see you having fun. You bought at least 5-6 hours until you need to get back to his naïve, old ass.

SIBLING
“Mom is looking for you”

Just leave them with that and they have someone new to harass.

BOSS/COLLEAGUE
“Finishing up the Penske file.”

What the hell? Give this a shot

ANNOYING FRIEND
“Sick as a dog. Catch up later”

You are never, ever getting back to this person but this instant response softens the blow.

EX’ES
“Who is this?”

That will show ‘em. Go away psycho.

Pre-program these responses into your phone and eliminate more keystrokes.

Oh, don’t text and drive.

Have a nice day!