Quinnipiac Non-Graduate falls a bomb threat short of being one of THE GREATS.

QU Greats.

Boston.com

HAMDEN, Conn. — Fearful that her family would learn she was not graduating, a 22-year-old woman phoned in bomb threats to Quinnipiac University on Sunday to try and force commencement ceremonies to be canceled, police said.

Hamden police said Danielle Shea of Quincy, Mass., gave a detailed confession after being arrested at the indoor campus athletic arena, the TD Bank Sports Center, where the commencement for the university’s College of Arts and Sciences had been moved because of the threats. She was wearing a cap and gown she’d purchased.

Police said Shea didn’t attend the university this year, but her mother paid thousands of dollars she thought was for her daughter’s education. When graduation arrived, Shea panicked when relatives didn’t see her name on the graduation roster, they said.

According to police, Shea made two calls to the university’s public safety department. In the first, about 20 minutes before the start of the 6 p.m. graduation ceremony, she stated there was a ‘‘bomb in the library,’’ said police. In the second call, about 20 minutes later, police said Shea warned ‘‘Several bombs are on campus’’ and noted ‘‘You haven’t cleared out graduation. That’s not a good idea.’’

I saw the initial headlines on this story and thought this was going be your typical “Falling one credit shy” scenarios or “Couldn’t walk because I got too many open container tickets” and I was fully prepared to note that fearing your parent’s disappointment in any of these scenarios was absolutely ridiculous seeing they’ve been cutting tuition checks to Quinnipiac of all places, for a minimum of four years. I’m pretty sure their outrage peaked somewhere between pulling that last rejection letter out of the mailbox from one of the UMASSes and licking the envelope on the first outgoing check. If they haven’t tempered their expectations by now, you shouldn’t care enough to call in a bomb threat, let alone invite them to graduation.

But this is something different. This is a full scale embezzlement scheme that came up impossibly short of a smashing success because she couldn’t figure out how to get someone to say her name into a microphone. That one little detail was the difference. Danielle Shea would’ve been living on easy street back in Quincy with half the debt of her contemporaries and mom and dad wouldn’t have been the wiser. Instead of marching into interviews this summer touting that bulletproof Quinnipiac “Arts and Sciences” degree, she would have been telling real life stories of “a successful track record of long term planning, goal execution, and delivery in a deadline driven environment. “ So close, to being one of the greats. So close.

PS. In fairness to all you sensitive Quinnipiac graduates out there, I only know like five people that have graduated from QU and they all played on the hockey team. It is safe to say that their journey to becoming captains of industry ended well before sixth grade.

Double PS.  I also didn’t get into UMass.  I may have been accepted had I applied, but we’ll never know.

What’up Sister?

Marching-Season1-785x588

Will the Orange Order be Marching in Southie next year?

Boston.com

The city of Boston is further bolstering its already strong hereditary ties to Ireland by forging an official partnership with the city of Belfast, the Office of Mayor Martin J. Walsh announced Monday morning.

Belfast Lord Mayor Máirtín Ó Muilleoir and Walsh made things official at a breakfast at the Seaport Boston Hotel.

“Together, Boston and Belfast will strive to foster educational exchanges, promote cultural understanding, and stimulate economic development through our new Sister City relationship. We look forward to new beginnings with our ‘sister’ Belfast, as this formal agreement goes far beyond a declaration on ink on paper; it truly speaks to our historic connection, genuine ties, and deeply linked heritage.”

And why wouldn’t Boston be sisters with Belfast?  Both are Port Cities, most of the populations have interchangeable surnames, and both share a delusional affinity for hosting parades that polarize a significant portion of the population.  I’m surprised this agreement didn’t come sooner.  Sure, Whitey arming the Provi’s couldn’t have helped matters, but what’s a sister-sister relationship without a little violent collusion when the other lets their guard down?

Can I Be Frank?: SELEXTING

Time to make that climb back up on to my soapbox again. The topic at hand is text messaging. Text messaging (‘texting’) has revolutionized communication. We all now have the ability to instantly and directly reach 1 or 50 people in a matter of seconds. No longer are we bound to pick up the phone and perform the arduous task of pressing, like, 10 buttons and actually have to converse with another human. No, no. Pleasantries and politeness are not needed to the world of texting.

“Pick you up in 10 mins”

“Dinner at 6?”

“This is a lot of blood.”

At the speed of sound (or that of your cellular carrier) we can cut through all the goobily guck and get straight to the point.

phone text friend

Truth be told, I absolutely love texting. I love NOT having to talk to as many people as possible. Be honest, so do you. Sure, this practice has possibly hurt our ability to convey our feelings, thoughts and ideas in a vocal manner, but so what? I am just as happy getting that silly heart-shape emoji as a real ‘I love you’. Really, I’m cool with it.

Anyway, overall I am a big fan of texting but there is a specific aspect of this everyday routine that grinds my gears:

Selective texting or, as I have coined it, “Selexting”.

Selexting” is the practice of selectively choosing when and if you respond to another person’s text message to you.

Selexting pisses me off and here is why…

While I do not proclaim to be the Alexander Graham Bell of modern technology and communication, I feel confident in saying that texting is a relatively fool proof system of digital correspondence. Unless you are using completely dated cell phone technology (i.e. the flip phone) or your carrier is ‘Guatemalan Jim’s Off Shore Towers’ then you know that 99% of those texts are reaching your audience. And if that is the case, then why do people think they have the right to suddenly not answer you?

Flimsy answers like these usually follow a dark hole of un-communication:

“I didn’t get your message?”

“My phone died.”

“My mom had mild seizure.”

I’m calling bull shizzil. On you, you and YOU.

Of course, there are those times when we actually do put the phone down for a while (although, except for sleeping and surgery, do we really?) but for the most part we are all an arm’s length from our mobile device at any given time. Selexting has replaced the ‘push to voicemail move’. It has replaced the non-responsive email move. The problem is that you can always get away with a missed call. You can certainly say you are buried under emails and missed one. You can not, however, hide from the always dependable text that you see pop right up in front of you.

I could continue to rant, but instead I am here to help. Like anyone, sometimes you don’t want to deal with people for a million different reasons but, as explained above, the sender of that text knows you are playing a game. So, have some legit instant responses ready to go that are sure to cast some doubt and allow you to safely ignore a friend, colleague or loved one.

If you want to be left alone and not exchange lengthy texts with your….

WIFE/GIRLFRIEND
Hey, can’t talk, getting a surprise for you. :)”

You will totally be left alone for the near future. Of course, you now need to get a surprise but who doesn’t like gum?

HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND
“In Victoria’s Secret…see you later. ;)”

That dude on the receiving end will give you all the time and space you need.

MOM
Such a stressful day, Mom. Really could use your home cooking”

This is a cheap ploy but…oh well. Not sure how your Mom operates, but I would have my 10 favorite meals prepared for me by sundown and still not need to call her back.

DAD
“Golfing”

Dad is always proud to see you having fun. You bought at least 5-6 hours until you need to get back to his naïve, old ass.

SIBLING
“Mom is looking for you”

Just leave them with that and they have someone new to harass.

BOSS/COLLEAGUE
“Finishing up the Penske file.”

What the hell? Give this a shot

ANNOYING FRIEND
Sick as a dog. Catch up later”

You are never, ever getting back to this person but this instant response softens the blow.

EX’ES
Who is this?”

That will show ‘em. Go away psycho.

Pre-program these responses into your phone and eliminate more keystrokes.

Oh, don’t text and drive.

Have a nice day!

There’s booze at Epcot

I have been around the world and back again.  Yes, my Disney family vacation has come and gone and I am now depressed back in Amesbury with all of it’s non-magicalness.   A trip like this one (where we surprised the kids to boot) is so wonderful and easy to praise.   But that’s no fun to write about, so instead here’s my 10 Things I did not want to see/experience while partying with Mickey, Minnie, Mom and Dad.

10.  Half-shirts.   I struggle with this one because on some girls, a half shirt is just what the Doctor ordered.   However, these girls are few and far between at Disney World a/k/a the Fattest Place on Earth.  I know it’s hot lady, but your half-shirt window closed long before you pushed out your fourth kid and started eating ice cream after every meal.  Please, loose tank tops are your friend and we all thank you.   Not that I am perfect, let’s see # 9.

9.  My legs, in April, in shorts.   Why is my Irish ass surprised every year when the nice weather hits?  

8.  The price tag of any and everything.   I get it, Disney costs money.   But when the bill for your pizza and salad comes and it’s $200, well….let’s see # 7.

7.   My own tears.  Coincidently, the night I left Epcot in tears was the same night I discovered tequila flights in Mexico.   

6.  My family, after 24 hours a day of together-time.   Even the most loving of families reaches a breaking point, right?   Mine was when I accidently walked in on my Dad in the hotel bathroom, and I’m guessing my Mom’s was when I started crying at Epcot.

5.  Fancy shoes.   Really, the only thing one needs to pack for the Disney adventure is socks and sneakers.   I tried like a fool to wear high heels one night when we went out to dinner.   Rubbing prosecco on your blisters helps, but only if it’s $18 a glass.

4.  Kids in hot tubs.   Get the hell out of my hot tub!  A dad let his 2 sons throw around a damn football in there on Wednesday night.   That’s bad parenting right there.

3.  Gift shops.   After every ride, around every corner, there it is!   The pin your child needs!   The Cinderella crown your child needs!  The bag of cotton candy your child needs!  The batteries YOU need for your vibrator back home…..oh wait.  Those I didn’t need right away I guess.

2.  Hand holders.   Another one I struggle with, am I jealous I am not in a hand holding type of relationship???   Nah, you guys are gross.

1.  All the pictures my creepy husband took of Belle and Sleeping Beauty.   More of the 2 of them than of the kids during their magical week.   Oh well, I guess it’s better than taking pictures of the fatties in half-shirts….or trying to hold my hand.

Have a Magical Week!!!