Growing up to be a responsible adult male takes a lot of work. It takes years of teaching from our elders. It takes hundreds of mistakes. It is a lifelong learning experience that none of us will ever perfect but we keep trying. I think we have all absorbed many of the same little tid bits to make us better men. Beyond being responsible, we all strive to be good dudes. Guys that people want to hang out with. Today I want to impart a few ‘tips’ that will hopefully make sense. I stole a few of these from some men a lot wiser than me and added a few of my own. These tips apply to men of varying ages and stages of life. The old saying before someone offers you advice is “take this with a grain of salt.” Yeah, I dont know what that means? Take my advice with a shot of Jameson.
Here are your 37 Guidelines to being a Good Dude:
1. Give a firm handshake…..unless you want to really freak a guy out…then offer him the ‘dead fish’ and a painfully slow wink
2. Chew with your mouth AND EYES closed. Power move.
3. Love dogs. Hate cats. (I hate both but I have no soul)
4. Learn for cook for yourself. If not for yourself, for the ladies. A man in a kitchen is irresistible.
5. Always give up your seat on the bus (do people still ride the bus?) to an older, a pregnant, or a hot woman. If a woman possesses all three of these attributes, give her a high five as well.
6. Fight fair. Always. Unless said opponent is stronger, bigger or tougher. In that case, throw a sucker punch and bolt for the fire escape.
7. Learn to like (or at least fake-like) martinis or whiskey. James Bond & Frank Sinatra can’t be wrong.
8. Always hold the door open for a woman. If you have to hold a door open for a man, then no eye contact or pleasantries allowed.
9. Smoking Rules: Avoid cigarettes. Experiment with weed. Enjoy cigars. As far as crystal meth, just watch Breaking Bad and make your own decision.
10. Don’t ever make the proclamation that you are “crazy”, “tough” or “funny”. No man that has ever made these declarations in history was crazy, tough or funny. Fact.
11. Don’t die without ever entering (and subsequently be thrown out of) a strip club.
12. If you like going to the gym, good for you. Just don’t tell anyone about it. Ever.
13. Dancing makes you fun. Break dancing makes you awesome.
14. Don’t give up your ‘boys’ time’– once you do, you can never get it back.
15. Own a tool belt. Just because.
16. Be confident, not cocky. Confident guys get girls. Cocky guys get punched in the neck.
17. Take your son to a baseball game – even if you both hate baseball. Beer is always cold and who doesn’t like peanuts in the shell. Americana.
18. Nothing good happens after midnight…in the tattoo parlor.
19. It is never, ever acceptable to hit a woman…just don’t get abused by one yourself.
20. Defend those weaker than you. If you are the weak one, I suggest mace.
21. Don’t use the word “retard”. You sound like an ignorant asshole.
22. Give up any men’s league sport that requires you to run/skate/jump/throw/kick/etc. by the age of 35. You’re time has passed. Grab a beer. You’re next on the tee.
23. If you insist on getting the last word in an argument, walk around the corner and mumble it to yourself. You will always win in your own mind.
24. When someone gives you a break in any traffic situation, give them the wave. If they cut you off, give them the finger. The system just works.
25. When given the chance, always buy a soldier/fire fighter/police officer a drink and thank him/her while you are at it.
26. If you want to be good in bed, one simple rule: Slow it down, Horn E. McStiffy.
27. The words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ can never be said enough times. I would say the same about every single line in Dumb and Dumber.
28. ‘Funny’ trumps ‘Handsome’ every day and twice on Sunday. The caveat is that women don’t figure this out until they are 25.
29. Swearing does, in fact, make stories funnier. Just know your audience and setting before you drop that 13th F-bomb at the church picnic, jackass.
30. Vegetarians/Vegans are hiding something. I don’t know what that is but, proceed with caution.
31. If you are lucky enough to go to college, be proud and support your alma mater. Just don’t become that obnoxious alumni jerkoff (Yes, I am looking at YOU, Boston College)
32. Pornography is in no way, shape, or form a reality. Put down the iPad and take a lap.
33. Don’t cheat. On your wife, score card or taxes. In that exact order of importance.
34. Abide by the ‘When in Rome’ Credo. Order a cowboy steak at a Capital Grill, the quesadillas at Casa Blanca and a cannoli at Cosa Nostra. Nobody likes the guy eating a hotdog at Legal Seafood.
35. Family comes first. Blood is thicker than water. Does that mean my friends bleed water? Another stupid expression.
36. Money won’t make you happy, but it sure as hell won’t make you sad.
37. Call your mother often. Call your Dad as little as possible. Both will be thankful for that courtesy.
Carry on, gentlemen.