Merrimack Valley Yelp Reviews: A Lawrence McDonalds


My McDonalds experience began with a bathroom emergency in the heart of Lawrence
and I suppose it ended a few hours later with another bathroom

I went with the #3, Quarter Pounder, obviously with cheese.
 My request for a medium-rare patty was met with a compliant nod, and a shout to
the back in a language I am not familiar with.  (I imagine it was French based
on the perception that French is the preferred language in all culinary

The fries were cooked slightly short of perfection, which had
me questioning the drive and work ethic of the chap who was operating the fries.
 “C’mon bro, the fries are the heart and soul of this dish.  You gotta mimic the
arches when generously salting those bad-larry’s.  There’s ten kids over at
Burger King that would kill for this job.”

The whole trick to enjoying McDonalds is making sure something makes it onto the tray that can trick the
palette into forgetting about that questionable beef product that just rolled
through the neighborhood.  Perfect fries usually is enough, but when the chefs
are having an off day, there are alternatives.  Lucky for me, it’s Shamrock
shake season…a vanilla shake with green food coloring….somehow changing the
view out the picture window from Lawrence triple-deckahs to the rolling hills of
County Mayo.

3 stahs!

Upskirting: We hardly knew ya

Lowell Sun News – ‘Upskirt Ban made law’

Ban ‘upskirt’ photos (H 3934) — Senate 39-0, approved and Gov. Patrick  signed into law a bill banning the covert photographing, videotaping or  electronic surveillance of someone’s sexual or intimate parts, regardless of  whether those parts are naked or covered by clothing or undergarments.  

The measure was filed and taken up one day after the Supreme Judicial Court  had ruled that  a man who took “upskirt” cellphone photos on the MBTA did not  violate state law because the women did not have a legal expectation of privacy  and were not nude or partially nude.   

Sad times here in the Commonwealth.  Upskirting is now officially (and legally) banned.  Just when we thought this depraved and obscure practice was going mainstream, it is now taboo.  Somewhere in America, Anthony Weiner is shaking his head in sadness.  Somewhere in (we’ll just say) ‘heaven’ (to be nice) Ted Kennedy is making one final toast to this raucaus ritual he surely would have endorsed during his earthly time.  Perverts everywhere mourn this latest and greatest craze to get a up close and personal peak at an unsuspecting stranger’s “initmate parts”.   Membership to the PTSOM (Peeping Tom Society of Massachusetts) is rapidly declining given this new legislation.  What is happening in America people?

Rest in Peace Upskirting, we hardly knew ye.

P.S. Who gets to officially coin terms like ‘upskirting’?  Sounds like a fun job and one that the contributors to this blog would be quite good at performing.  Maybe I will file legislation to make that happen?  USA! USA! USA!

P.P.S. We discussed upskirting and it’s virtue during last week’s F n K Show (formally the Can I Be Frank program) which you can catch every Friday from 11:00AM-12:00PM on 980 WCAP.  Take a listen if you missed it The F n K Show 3.7.14


One is NOT the loneliest number

Greetings from my local watering hole, where I am holding off on Keno to talk to you about the benefits of alone time.  Earlier as I was driving home from work I heard the song “One is the Loneliest Number” and I started to wonder (and drift into the middle lane) if one IS in fact, the loneliest number.   Let’s examine and appreciate what benefits come from solitude….hold on, let me order another beer…(drinking alone gets a terrible rep but that doesn’t deter me)

First of all, I should preface that I have given birth to and am currently raising 3 children.  I am married and living with my spouse in a townhouse that we outgrew four days after we moved in.   Alone time for me is as rare as finding a pearl in an oyster.   Though even before I was saddled with this baggage I call my loving family I wasn’t afraid to ride solo.   The first time I went to a movie by myself I saw ‘My Girl’ and I am more embarrassed by the fact that I paid to see that movie than the fact that I had no friends that wanted to spend 2 hours with me.   I survived that experience and have relished any alone time ever since.

When is alone time a good thing?

1.  The Bathroom.  It’s not gonna happen but I dream of the day when the door doesn’t open mid-wipe.  Hey, you kids wanna learn about tampons this early in the game?  I didn’t think so! So quit opening the damn door without knocking!

2.  Singing in the car.   I know I don’t sound like Idina Menzel in Wicked but damn it if I’m not going to try when I’m alone in my car.  I can only imagine my distorted face as drivers pass me by.*   Also, I’m certainly not going to play Air Supply’s greatest hits when I have a passenger with me.   This is a perfect example of “only when you’re alone should you listen to this” music.

3. Shopping.  Any mother will testify to this:  if you get the chance to go food shopping without your kids you think it’s a mini-vacation.  It is so friggin sad.

4.  Chore Time.   I laugh about this because since I stopped taking “uppers” my house has suffered, but occasionally I will try to tidy up.  This is when I really do not want my family around.  The kids grumble at my barking orders and my husband watches me work and tells me how to perform these tasks more efficiently.  Which only ensures that he will be strictly masturbating for at least 2 weeks.   Coincidently, the same time frame that I will let the laundry pile up.

5.  Gross stuff.   I’m a human being.  I need to pick my nose sometimes.  I want to relax on my couch like Al Bundy with one hand down my pants.  I burp.  I fart.  I bite my nails.   Please let me do these things without an audience.

6.  Bad TV.  Maybe you all don’t share my love for Little House on the Prairie re-runs or What Not To Wear.  But please let me have my zone out time.  (dirty movies also fall under this category)

7.  Concerts.   I’m the worst because I may purchase tickets with you, but once we’re there, I’m ditching you and hopping seats to get as close to the stage as possible.  It’s nothing personal.

8.  Eating.  You don’t want to try to share a plate of nachos with me when I’m hungry.  You are going to lose.

9.  Sleepy Time.   I want all the covers.  I want Parks and Rec playing while I fall asleep.  I want to wear the unsexy pajamas my mother bought me for Christmas and not be judged.

10.  Vacations.  Another rarity in my life is a solo vacay.  But it has happened (though I was pregnant with my daughter at the time) I was able to attend a good friend’s wedding in California without my husband or 2 sons.  Yes, it was at a winery and I couldn’t really imbibe proper, but just travelling alone is such a treat.  You do what you want when you want to do it.   Amen.


*No one passes me on the highway

More Hookers busted in Tewksbury. This shouldn’t happen.


Lowell Sun

TEWKSBURY — An undercover prostitution operation conducted Monday resulted in the arrests of three out-of-state women at two town hotels, according to police.  Megan Sullivan-Albee of Bangor, Maine and Megan Horsfield of Manchester, NH, both 24, were arrested at the Hoilday Inn on Highwood Drive and charged with sexual conduct for a fee.

Horsfield, who police said had two outstanding warrants, was also charged with possession of heroin and possession of crack cocaine.  Twenty-year-old Violet Harris of Hartford, Conn. was arrested at the Fairfield Inn on Andover Street for sexual conduct for a fee.  Tewksbury police occasionally conduct prostitution stings at some of the town’s hotels, in response to solicitation on websites like Craigslist.

Serves you right.  If you’re down with sexual conduct for a fee and you’re down with sexual conduct for a fee in Tewksbury, you needn’t be anywhere but the Caswell.  The Police don’t do sexual conduct for fee stings at the Caswell because sexual conduct for a fee is expected at the Caswell.  It’s the only reasonable excuse for being there besides establishing yourself a satellite meth lab…which is why the police would much rather you be conducting yourself sexually for a fee.  It’s like Bunny Colvin’s “Hamsterdam” only instead of a legal crack zone, you’ve got yourself a sexual conduct for a fee, free zone (I imagine crack probably flies as well).  You don’t even need the internet to transact sexual conduct for a fee at the Caswell so save those Free AOL CD’s for a rainy day.

Discalaimer:  This heartfelt advertisement was not paid for by Motel Caswell.

Bad Parenting


I need to bring myself down a couple pegs as far as patting myself on the back every day for my amazing parenting skills, and being the coolest Mom in town.   There’s plenty of stuff that I guarantee I’m “doing wrong” and it’s high time I humbled myself.  (Though make no mistake, I am the best there is.)

1.  Their Homework.   When I say I don’t give a shit about their homework, I mean I really do NOT give a SHIT about their homework.  I get emails from Quinn’s middle school teacher which I can only assume tell me in great detail their nightly assignments so I may “keep up with my child” and stay on top of them.   Listen, I already went to school.  I already suffered enough in this lifetime doing my OWN damn homework, I’m not about to care about yours.  I am raising you to be self-sufficient.  That’s my job.  Do your homework.  Remember the assignments without my prompting.   Sure, we read together, and I will give ideas for your projects, but get the math problems out of my face.  They keep changing the rules anyway so apparently my long division was all wrong this whole time…you don’t want my help.  Trust me.
2.  Their Diet.   I try, sometimes.  I cook delicious meals on occasion that contain green vegetables.  There are apples in their lunchbox.  But my bad habits and picky-eater personality are being passed down to these kids of mine.  Yes, I take them to McDonald’s.   Yes, I squirt whipped cream right into their little mouths while they chirp at me like baby birds.  I put cheese on everything.  I have never tried a peach or a plum and I doubt any of them will either.   One good thing is they’re all afraid to try soda, even after my telling them how delicious it is.
3.  My Drinking.   If I’m home on my night off you can be sure of 2 things.  I’m cooking a cheesy dinner, and I’m chugging beers.   Sorry kids.
4.  Church.  Luckily my Catholic do-gooder husband takes them every week, and CCD too.  I usually work late on Saturday nights and then a Sunday day shift.  That’s my excuse and it’s a valid one if you want to eat and have a roof over your head.  I have been known to declare “Jesus knows I closed the bar last night” while flipping over my pillow and pulling the covers up over my head.
5.  Playdates.   UGH, just typing the word makes me feel like a bad parent.   If my kid doesn’t push the issue, I sure as hell don’t either.   I hate to group all of them together, but the moms out there just aren’t cool.   If I’m at your house, offer me a beer if we have to talk about the fucking PTA for the love of God.  Quit helicoptering your kids at the playground.  Stop talking like a bunch of uptight nerds.   Buy new jeans.  Be real.  I don’t need phony bullshit in my life.   Do me a favor, just come pick up my kid and take him for however long little Johnny no siblings needs a friend.  And make sure he eats a healthy snack while he’s over there.
6.  My Language.   It’s no secret that I use colorful language.  OK, I abuse it.  I watch movies with swears when the kids are around.   I listen to explicit lyrics until one of them finally says “Mom this is really inappropriate”  (‘Gimme the Loot’ I am looking in your direction)  They know the song “Kyle’s Mom is a Bitch” from South Park and laugh hysterically along with me when Dad’s not home.  They’ve been in the car when my road rage kicks in.   It sucks.  I feel guilty.  But screw it.
7.  Bedtime.  Hey, you can’t go to bed yet, Walking Dead is on.
8.  Video Games.   I remember Atari 2600.  I played Frogger all damn day and my parents were fine with it because it was the only time I wasn’t biting my nails.  So I afford my kids the same luxury.   Play video games.  It’s together-time if you ask me.   My boys love to play Toy Story 3 and Harry Potter on the Wii.   Just don’t turn into an asshole, that’s when I shut it off.
9.  Extra Curricular Activities.   My oldest is a boy that has zero desire to play sports.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  But I just don’t push them as hard as I should to try things they might end up enjoying.   Should I raise them to be more competitive than I am?   Probably.  But I feel like they’re just naturally going to be the best, effortlessly…like I am.
10.  Money.   I should be teaching them to be better with money than their Mom and Dad.   As I look over at this $7.00 plate of nachos on my table at the restaurant I’m currently at with my daughter.   (Who I just ignored for the last 30 minutes while I wrote this.)   Hey, at least I didn’t have my face buried in my phone the whole time, right?

How cute is Salisbury…pretending they have laws.

Wait, are you trying to tell me that a newspaper clipping taped to my windshield in lieu of an actual inspection sticker is not going to fly in that quaint little hamlet known as Salisbury? Is this some weird end-of-February/leap year type rule? Because the Salisbury I know doesn’t have any rules. The Salisbury PD I know would have tracked this guy down, and instead of arresting him, would have gathered in the parking lot of Tens to roast and ridicule him for actually making them pretend that laws exist.

Rob Ford owned the red carpet last night.


You didn’t think that a super star like Rob Ford would miss the biggest party in North America last night, did you?

But in true Bobby Ford style, rather than trying to recruit starlets for the after party , he’s having yucks with my buddy Callahan…Woburn’s Los Angeles ambassador. Cal probably reciprocated Mayor Ford’s pleasantries with the ole “if you’re ever in Woburn, there’s this little place called the 99′ I’d like to take you to. Best steak in town”