Greetings from my local watering hole, where I am holding off on Keno to talk to you about the benefits of alone time.  Earlier as I was driving home from work I heard the song “One is the Loneliest Number” and I started to wonder (and drift into the middle lane) if one IS in fact, the loneliest number.   Let’s examine and appreciate what benefits come from solitude….hold on, let me order another beer…(drinking alone gets a terrible rep but that doesn’t deter me)

First of all, I should preface that I have given birth to and am currently raising 3 children.  I am married and living with my spouse in a townhouse that we outgrew four days after we moved in.   Alone time for me is as rare as finding a pearl in an oyster.   Though even before I was saddled with this baggage I call my loving family I wasn’t afraid to ride solo.   The first time I went to a movie by myself I saw ‘My Girl’ and I am more embarrassed by the fact that I paid to see that movie than the fact that I had no friends that wanted to spend 2 hours with me.   I survived that experience and have relished any alone time ever since.

When is alone time a good thing?

1.  The Bathroom.  It’s not gonna happen but I dream of the day when the door doesn’t open mid-wipe.  Hey, you kids wanna learn about tampons this early in the game?  I didn’t think so! So quit opening the damn door without knocking!

2.  Singing in the car.   I know I don’t sound like Idina Menzel in Wicked but damn it if I’m not going to try when I’m alone in my car.  I can only imagine my distorted face as drivers pass me by.*   Also, I’m certainly not going to play Air Supply’s greatest hits when I have a passenger with me.   This is a perfect example of “only when you’re alone should you listen to this” music.

3. Shopping.  Any mother will testify to this:  if you get the chance to go food shopping without your kids you think it’s a mini-vacation.  It is so friggin sad.

4.  Chore Time.   I laugh about this because since I stopped taking “uppers” my house has suffered, but occasionally I will try to tidy up.  This is when I really do not want my family around.  The kids grumble at my barking orders and my husband watches me work and tells me how to perform these tasks more efficiently.  Which only ensures that he will be strictly masturbating for at least 2 weeks.   Coincidently, the same time frame that I will let the laundry pile up.

5.  Gross stuff.   I’m a human being.  I need to pick my nose sometimes.  I want to relax on my couch like Al Bundy with one hand down my pants.  I burp.  I fart.  I bite my nails.   Please let me do these things without an audience.

6.  Bad TV.  Maybe you all don’t share my love for Little House on the Prairie re-runs or What Not To Wear.  But please let me have my zone out time.  (dirty movies also fall under this category)

7.  Concerts.   I’m the worst because I may purchase tickets with you, but once we’re there, I’m ditching you and hopping seats to get as close to the stage as possible.  It’s nothing personal.

8.  Eating.  You don’t want to try to share a plate of nachos with me when I’m hungry.  You are going to lose.

9.  Sleepy Time.   I want all the covers.  I want Parks and Rec playing while I fall asleep.  I want to wear the unsexy pajamas my mother bought me for Christmas and not be judged.

10.  Vacations.  Another rarity in my life is a solo vacay.  But it has happened (though I was pregnant with my daughter at the time) I was able to attend a good friend’s wedding in California without my husband or 2 sons.  Yes, it was at a winery and I couldn’t really imbibe proper, but just travelling alone is such a treat.  You do what you want when you want to do it.   Amen.

*No one passes me on the highway