Monthly Archives: March 2014

03.31.14
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The curtain falls on the Chief’s season.

Chiefs

Viewfrom123

WORCESTER, Mass. – It just wasn’t in the cards for the UMass Lowell River Hawks on Sunday evening as the Boston College Eagles topped the River Hawks in a tight, hard fought Northeast Regional Final.

The River Hawks fall just short of making a return trip to the Frozen Four and end the season a bit earlier than they wanted to. The bright side; the program is shaping up to be one of the top programs in the country. The Eagles will make their 24th appearance in the Frozen Four.

UMass Lowell came up on the bad side of what was a back-and-forth game. The Eagles got out to the first lead of the game on a Kevin Hayes goal at 7:03 in the first period. Of course, a goal that was assisted on by Johnny Gaudreau and defenseman Michael Matheson. Michael Kapla and the River Hawks responded with under two minutes remaining in the first, evening the score heading into the second period.

The River Hawks and Eagles traded goals in the second and third period, but the Eagles got the last laugh as Ian McCoshen received a great pass from Teddy Doherty and placed the puck in the back of the net stick-side. The just under nine minutes remaining in the game wasn’t enough for the River Hawks to return the favor.

UMass Lowell played ‘Lowell style hockey,’ but was matched up against a tough Boston College opponent. This weekend, against Minnesota State and Boston College, was two of the toughest, most evenly matched games the River Hawks had played all season long.

Where losing stings, losing to BC stings even more and for reasons that obviously have nothing to do with Hockey. Because if we’re just talking hockey, the four goals that BC potted this Sunday night were nothing short of spectacular. And that’s what it took to beat the Chiefs. Four spectacular goals. Like the kind that make the Sportscenter Top 10 when Lebron isn’t silent-farting and the NCAA NIT women’s tourney isn’t in full swing.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s now proven beyond a doubt that the program playing at the end of Dutton Street is for real. Many advanced statistics demonstrate this in spades, but the most telling is TOC count…(Total Onces Consumed). My TOC count this season was off the charts. Good hockey. Good Atmosphere. The TaSongas is where I want to be on a cold winter’s night, and Chiefs hockey is the reason why.

So congrats on another great campaign, fellas.  We’ll see you in the fall.

03.31.14
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Just wanted to give a shout out to my ole’ hood.

Wentworth 2Wentworth

WBZ NEWS

The storm moved through the region Saturday night into Sunday, causing roads to flood and even a sinkhole to open up in Waltham. Another sinkhole opened up on Route 4 (Boston Road) in Chelmsford when a culvert collapsed during Saturday night’s heavy rain

In one Lowell neighborhood, crews spent Monday morning pumping water from residents’ basements. Lowell Firefighters used a boat to get around Wentworth Avenue.

That’s quite the puddle. Been thinking of you guys over there all day…and those awesome Letter of Map Amendments we all got so we could tell the banks where they can shove their flood insurance requirements. Suck it, Bank of America! Kiss my ass, JP Morgan! The only 100 year event happening over there is the LPD actually shutting down raucous above ground pool parties.

03.27.14
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Tough Day in Boston yesterday.

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I watched that fire yesterday from my office, excited about the birdseye view and the welcomed distraction from the grind. That wouldn’t have been the case had I known the level of tragedy that was occurring.
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I hope everyone takes a moment to reflect on the sacrifice that occurred yesterday, and if you really want to honor the fallen, tell the story of their heroism to your children…and tell them the story in a way that Disney would tell the story. That honor will be far more lasting than a post on your Facebook timeline.

03.24.14
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Can I Be Frank?: Chinese Food & Me: A Match Jade in Heaven

mai taijade

Bottom line: Chinese Fooood is awesome.  Just ask Austin Kuchar…

The variety. The spice. The convenience. All of these things and more are what make dining Chinese-style simply awesome. Traditionally, when we think about Chinese we think “take out”, but dining in at your favorite Americanized-Western version of the Orient makes the whole cookie that much more fortunate.

As I frequented one of my favorite spots of all time – the world famous Jade East – this past week I got to thinking about all of the great little details of what make Chinese chow down so great in my book.

10. Remember to tip your waitresses!

Yes, many of the larger Chinese restaurants work double duty as comedy clubs for local up-and-coming laugh makers. I mean, after all, who among us does not want a boat load of belly laughs after inhaling the all you can eat buffet? It makes perfect sense. Ingest 2-3 pounds of heavily fried, generously spiced, and sodium-fueled deliciousness (couple with several ‘what the hell is in this thing?’ cocktails) and prepare your innards to burst with some good old fashioned knock-knock jokes.

9. Where Are We?

Oh, did I forget to mention, Chinese Restaurants almost never, ever have windows. How pioneer is that move? We’re talking Daniel (-San) Boone type pioneer spirit. If you ever walk in to Chinese restaurant with a lot of natural sunlight, run for your life. It is clearly a trap. Otherwise, soak in the darkness. Like a bizarro-Rodney Dangerfield, “Rage against the dying of the light.”

8. We’ll have the Pu Pu

As long as I am being gross, let’s get all 6-year-old while I am at it. Where on earth, except for a Chinese restaurant, would we ever read an entry on a menu that had the phrase ‘Pu Pu’ right in its title would even consider eating it? Answer: nowhere. Guess what, they are perfect. All the favorites in one great order. Call it the Raging Crap Platter or Dookie for Two. Don’t care. It’s a never miss.

7. Yes, may I have beef, chicken, shrimp, pork, rice, pasta and the kitchen sink please?

Nowhere else can you economically order just about every acceptable form of animal on earth and have it delivered right to your plate. Not only affordable, they have discovered the formula to having them all blend in to one ridiculously tasty combination. Maybe that’s the third Mai Tai talking?

6. MSG

No not Madison Square Garden. I do not have the foggiest idea what “MSG” is or even what the letters stand for; but if it has anything to do with the tastiness of my #16 special then I don’t want to interfere. MSG is always a point of note when Chinese food is discussed, but for some reason no one really asks or wants to know; especially me. Even if I were to learn that MSG actually stood for “Massively Severe Gonorrhea” or “Minced Squirrel Guts” I would politely nod my head and affirm my interest in the meal. In fact, you can double up on mine.

5. Tastes Great, Less Filling

Like the classic Miller Lite slogan Chinese food ‘tastes great and is less filling”. No matter how much food you pile on that plate, the number of trips you make back to the buffet, you can never get completely full when consuming this Asian magic. It’s a physical impossibility. Why? Don’t know. Don’t care. No clue. Ask Confucius.

4. “Excuse me, Suffering Bastard over here”

The alcoholic drink options at Chinese restaurants are nothing short of epic. Outside of some sadistic college fraternity party where else can you order drinks called ‘Zombies’, ‘Headhunters’ and ‘Suffering Bastards’. Where else can you order a cocktail by the BOWL? Not just any bowl, a SCORPION BOWL. And guess what, you and your friends can share them or feel free to be a total and complete degenerate and suck down that lethal juiciness all by your lonesome. Rule #1 at the Chinese joint is there is no judging at the Chinese joint.

3. Do I have something on Mai Tai?

If we are gonna talk Chinese cocktails, I cannot forget my very favorite; the beautiful, delicious, sense-deadening, worry-relieving, habit-forming Mai Tai. An ingenious concoction combining…combining…truthfully, the greatest Mai Tai recipes are secret. Taboo you might say. Who am I to question ancient law? Maybe I’ll try that other great Chinese potion…what’s it called? Oh yeah, SAME TING!

2. That’s a wrap

Regardless of how much or how little you order when dining at a Chinese restaurant, there will always be leftovers for you to take home. Always. It’s like the Law of Gravity. Death, taxes, Chinese leftovers. You heard it here. To boot, unlike most leftover meals, Chinese seems to be like a fine wine…better with age (READ: 48 hour rule in effect). The marriage of Chinese leftovers and the microwave would lead you to believe they were meant to be together. Maybe that’s the Mai Tai hangover talking?

1. Have a great day!

Where else do you leave the dinner table with the promise of something good in your future? A little positive reinforcement? Some lucky numbers to count on? Of course I speak of the always present fortune cookie that concludes all Chinese dining experiences.

“Pain is inevitable…Suffering (bastard) is optional.”

-Buddha

03.24.14
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Creatures of the Lowell Line: Pending Commuter Warfare in North Billerica

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Lowell Sun 

BILLERICA — With the MBTA parking lot already packed by 8:30 a.m., some commuters are dreading the worst when Lowell commuters are forced to find new parking spots starting April 1 because of the major Gallagher Terminal reconstruction project.

Marie Smith, who has taken the commuter rail from the North Billerica stop for eight years, is so worried about Lowellians taking over that she sees herself getting forced down to the Woburn parking lot.

“That would be a big inconvenience for me,” said Smith, 53, who has lived in Billerica for 23 years. “Forty minutes away instead of a quick three-mile drive each morning.

“There’s a lot of people concerned about this,” she added. “And even when the construction is over, are they always going to park here because it’s cheaper to park here and the T pass is cheaper?”

“Ray, people will come Ray. They’ll come to North Billerica for reasons they can’t even fathom. They’ll turn up the driveway not knowing for sure why they’re doing it. They’ll arrive on the platform as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won’t mind if you park here. It’s only $4 per person. They’ll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they’ll walk out to the platform; stand in unfashionable winter parkers on a perfect morning.  And they’ll wait for the train and it’ll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they’ll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. People will most definitely come.”

I hope they come and come in droves.  Like Field of Dreams only the star in this movie is a patch of asphalt in Billerica and I am James Earl Jones. Commuter Rail People are some of the worst people on the planet.  Living life around a train schedule breeds some of the worst passive aggressive, Type A douchebaggery you’ll ever see.   From dudes keying cars because a stranger didn’t know spot #236 was his “usual spot” to iPad combat over someone refusing to take the middle on a 3 seater.   It’s deplorable.  And if you’re telling me that come April 1st, the LRTA is going to toss a duraflame right in the middle of this mess, then Happy April Fools Day to me.  I can’t wait.

03.20.14
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The F n K Show’s March Madness Bracket

F n K March Madness Pleasure Brackets

Tune in to Friday’s F n K Show on 980 WCAP where we continue the Madness.  With arguably some of the best days of sports upon us – the NCAA Basketball Tournament – we have invented our own bracket.  Check out our March Madness bracket of Personal Pleasures!

Four “regions” –

1. Food

2.  Drink

3.  TV

4.  Holidays?

Fill out your bracket (above) and let us know what makes your FINAL FOUR OF FAVORITES!  You can also make your picks on our Facebook page.

03.20.14
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WCAP March Badness

From WCAP’s Merrimack Valley in the Morning Show’s Facebook page:vote

Regular caller “Joe from Lowell” has set the field for the 980 WCAP Talk Host Tournament. And the brackets have set up an Elite 8 showdown between Morning co-hosts Teddy Panos and Austin Fontanella.

Here are all the matchups. Vote for who you would like to see advance:

#1 Warren Shaw vs. #8 Chris Poublon
 #2 Teddy Panos vs. #7 Austin Fontanella
#3 Jack Baldwin vs. #6 Frank McCabe
#4 Ryan Johnston vs. #5 John MacDonald

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So many things wrong here.  As my colleague here at the Cabot, Tobes, stated, where is ‘Beatles & Before’ in this arbitrary ranking system?  No nominations for local rabble-rouser Tom Duggan and his Valley Patriot programming?  And how about the new Queen of WCAP, Kerry,…not even in the running?  To quote the great Vince Vaughn, “ERRONEOUS!”

And most insulting…. #6 Ranking of yours truly?!

In any case, vote your conscience…and by “conscience”, I mean “McCabe”

Here is where you can cast your votes to the Final Four in this fraudulant and flawed system.

03.19.14
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Craigslist Missed Connections…St Paddy’s Day in Lowell

St Paddys

Craigslist

St. Patricks Day Girl – m4w – 25 (Lowell)

age : 25

We spoke briefly outside the smokehouse tavern. You told me that your uncle was Micky Ward and that I was “hott”. You said you were cold and wanted to warm up.

If this is you, respond and tell me what your name was so I know it’s you.

I really liked you!

Location: Lowell

do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

Does it get any more “Lowell” than beginning conversations with strangers by establishing your blood relations to Mickey Ward?  Not saying this undoubted prize wasn’t the niece of the legendary Irish Mick, I’m just saying this wasn’t the only claim to the Ward family tree that occurred on Monday night, especially at the Smokehouse.  It’s like a weird tribal tick that’s part of the mating process in Lowell.  Just saying “Micky Wahhhd” in a sentence gives off some weird pheromone that ultimately leads to four kids and a duplex on Chelmsford Street. A Lowell Fairytale(…I think that’s a Shane MacGowan B-side.)

03.19.14
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Field Trip Survivor

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It arrived innocently enough in my son’s backpack a few months ago, a permission slip for a class trip to the Harvard Museum of Natural History. They were looking for as many parents as possible to help chaperone the precocious 6 & 7 year olds and I must have been feeling generous or I felt that tinge of guilt that comes when one thinks about their middle child. It was unusual for me to even examine the contents of his backpack if you really want to know the truth. God, could I even find his classroom? I decided to be a good Mommy and signed my name on the dotted line. March 18th, 2014. It was so far away at the time I hadn’t noticed anything odd about the date.

February turned to March and I flipped the calendar page on my kitchen counter and that’s when I saw it. The color drained from my face and I felt as if I had the wind knocked out of me. The 18th of March is the MORNING AFTER SAINT PATRICK’S DAY. Those sneaky bastards sent the paper home before Christmas KNOWING I wouldn’t put 2 and 2 together. It was a conspiracy, I was convinced. I felt duped. I felt angry. I felt actual fear. Fear for the inevitable hangover I was now going to have to suffer on a school bus with a bunch of kids that don’t have the sense to use their indoor voices around me. Anger returned, followed by guilt. Christ, get it together woman. It’s not like you’re 21 years old anymore, get a grip! In my defense, however, this year for the first time in my career as a barmaid I had Saint Patrick’s Day OFF. Unheard of. I had visions of pints and Irish music while I reunited with all my closest alcoholic cohorts. All these dreams were smashed to pieces.

So I spent last night being good (red wine instead of a 12 pack), listening to the Cranberries and cooking a delicious meal in the safety of my own home. So boring. No one was puking, throwing punches, or crying in a glass of green Budweiser. This sure didn’t feel like Saint Patrick’s Day to me. But you know ”KIDS COME FIRST”. I swallowed 3 Advil just to be safe and hit the sack.

While I was excited to spend such quality time with my boy and explore a museum I had never been to before, part of me was dreading the small talk with the other moms. Surely, they would all be in the PTA and I would be the outcast. Albeit, a cute outcast in my Chuck Taylors and my Dickies bag slung over my sweet rack. When I arrived at the school, the kids and the guardians were already standing in line outside. I scanned the crowd for any hot Dads and came up empty. OK, put my game face on and was determined to show whoever was in my group that I was the fun Mom and we were going to have a grand ol’ time. There wouldn’t be any frowning and scolding “No Running Johnny!” from me that’s for sure. I found my son and was informed I only had one other kid in my group. Easy Peasy. He seemed like a good kid and I enjoy this age, truly. These boys just want to have fun. I resisted the urge to pick the crusty boogers out of his nose (my #1 pet peeve about your kids) and we climbed onto the yellow school bus. (I always think of Chris Farley when I encounter a bus driver….he really was the best wasn’t he? RIP) Continue reading →

03.18.14
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Field Trip Survivor

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It arrived innocently enough in my son’s backpack a few months ago, a permission slip for a class trip to the Harvard Museum of Natural History.   They were looking for as many parents as possible to help chaperone the precocious 6 & 7 year olds and I must have been feeling generous or I felt that tinge of guilt that comes when one thinks about their middle child.   It was unusual for me to even examine the contents of his backpack if you really want to know the truth.  God, could I even find his classroom?   I decided to be a good Mommy and signed my name on the dotted line.  March 18th, 2014.   It was so far away at the time I hadn’t noticed anything odd about the date.

February turned to March and I flipped the calendar page on my kitchen counter and that’s when I saw it.   The color drained from my face and I felt as if I had the wind knocked out of me.  The 18th of March is the MORNING AFTER SAINT PATRICK’S DAY.   Those sneaky bastards sent the paper home before Christmas KNOWING I wouldn’t put 2 and 2 together.   It was a conspiracy, I was convinced.   I felt duped.  I felt angry.   I felt actual fear.   Fear for the inevitable hangover I was now going to have to suffer on a school bus with a bunch of kids that don’t have the sense to use their indoor voices around me.    Anger returned, followed by guilt.  Christ, get it together woman.  It’s not like you’re 21 years old anymore, get a grip!   In my defense, however, this year for the first time in my career as a barmaid I had Saint Patrick’s Day OFF.   Unheard of.   I had visions of pints and Irish music while I reunited with all my closest alcoholic cohorts.   All these dreams were smashed to pieces.

So I spent last night being good (red wine instead of a 12 pack), listening to the Cranberries and cooking a delicious meal in the safety of my own home.   So boring.  No one was puking, throwing punches, or crying in a glass of green Budweiser.   This sure didn’t feel like Saint Patrick’s Day to me.  But you know  ”KIDS COME FIRST”.   I swallowed 3 Advil just to be safe and hit the sack.

While I was excited to spend such quality time with my boy and explore a museum I had never been to before, part of me was dreading the small talk with the other moms.   Surely, they would all be in the PTA and I would be the outcast.  Albeit, a cute outcast in my Chuck Taylors and my Dickies bag slung over my sweet rack.  When I arrived at the school, the kids and the guardians were already standing in line outside.  I scanned the crowd for any hot Dads and came up empty.  OK, put my game face on and was determined to show whoever was in my group that I was the fun Mom and we were going to have a grand ol’ time.   There wouldn’t be any frowning and scolding “No Running Johnny!” from me that’s for sure.   I found my son and was informed I only had one other kid in my group.   Easy Peasy.  He seemed like a good kid and I enjoy this age, truly.  These boys just want to have fun.   I resisted the urge to pick the crusty boogers out of his nose (my #1 pet peeve about your kids)  and we climbed onto the yellow school bus.  (I always think of Chris Farley when I encounter a bus driver….he really was the best wasn’t he?  RIP)

We three squeezed into the 2nd seat from the back and I soon discovered it was right over the heater.  It became unbearable before we even hit the highway to head to Boston.   I peeled off my jacket and then my sweatshirt and still felt like I was in molten lava with just a thin white T shirt on.   So I reached up to open the window a little bit.  Fresh air, everybody loves fresh air, right?  I started to feel not-so-menapausal finally when some little asshole girl across the aisle demands, “Can you close the window?!  We’re FREEZING!”  Fuck you little girl.   I shut the window while the driver proceeded to hit every pothole from here to Cambridge.   In my mind all I could hear was Eddie Money singing “her tits were SHAKIN’!” because man oh man my boobs were bouncing up and down so much I almost couldn’t stop looking at them myself.  No wonder these turtleneck wearing ladies wouldn’t talk to me.   This really was one hot bus ride.

We arrived and I was told we could all go and do our own thing as long as we all met back at the lobby at 1pm.  Sweet.  Oh, one more thing, we couldn’t buy anything at the gift shop because not every kid had money to get something and it can cause hurt feelings.  (cue: Flight of the Conchords) That was fine with me until I saw all the cool shit in the gift shop.  I never wanted to buy a rock more in my life.  The lady working there needed to sit and spin on a walrus tusk, she was such a douche bag.   I don’t care for people who scold my son when he isn’t doing anything wrong.   Playing with the puppets in the gift shop to me isn’t something to get all worked up about.  Go.sit.on.that.tusk.   She also made some comment about the fact that the kids weren’t buying anything.  Hey lady!  That wasn’t my rule!   I would gladly give you twenty dollars for a peacock feather and some minerals….but I’m a rule-follower (clearly).  I’m trying not to hurt feelings.  (sorry little girl from the bus)

We had a great time exploring the exhibits and of course the boys and I had a chuckle at a very realistic carving of a naked man, balls and all.   Sadly, that’s the only thing I’ll mention from the museum.   See what hanging around with 7 year old boys gets ya?  

So, all in all I had a good day.  I fulfilled my motherly duties and ate 2 bags of chips.   But make no mistake, next year St. Patrick- IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.