Obama bets cases of beer with Canada’s Prime Minster over hockey games

5-strange-brew-2

Yahoo Sports

The United States and Canada are on the proverbial collision course on the hockey rink in both the men’s and women’s divisions. And since the world would probably look unfavorably on the U.S. invading Canada, the leaders of both nations have resorted to a more sporting form of settling disputes: a gentleman’s wager.

President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Steven Harper have bet a case of beer on each game. “For a very brief period of time, I may not feel as warm towards Canadians as I normally do, at least until those matches are over,” Obama told Harper while both were at a leaders’ meeting in Mexico on Thursday.

The leaders announced the bet on Twitter:

.@pmharper and I bet on the women’s and men’s US-Canada hockey games. Winner gets a case of beer for each game. #GoTeamUSA! -bo

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) February 20, 2014

I’m betting @barackobama one case of Canadian beer per hockey game this week. #teamusa is good, but #WeAreWinter. #GoCanadaGo @WhiteHouse

— Stephen Harper (@pmharper) February 20, 2014

Everyone in Canada reading this article: “Only two cases of beer, eh? What the fuck are we supposed to do with two cases of beer?”

Meet the “Healthy Attitudes” sponsored by Circle Health.

Note from Tobes: The lads over at WCAP finalized their roster for the 2014 Winterfest Human Dogsled competition and sent it our way.  Looks a little bit like a rebuilding year to me, but I’ve never seen the sport itself because it doesn’t go down inside Club Celcius.

Nevertheless, Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re “Healthy Attitudes.”

'Cool Runnings'

Chris Poublon (A): Chris is the most experienced member of the Health Attitudes (in fact he is the only one who has actually run the course) making him the squad’s one veteran member. The Healthy Attitudes will surely rely on Chris for everything from course insight to the quickest route to the bathroom. When asked why he keeps putting his body on the line, and coming back year after year the afternoon producer said, “Wait I’m running again?”

Dave Morrison: In order to bring a spark to the team, the Healthy Attitudes called on the talents of Dave Morrison. The weekend producer and news man was snatched up in free agency in what experts are calling the steal of the off-season. Dave is bringing the Healthy Attitudes into the 21st century by showing them the concepts of healthy eating and exercise. One of Dave’s biggest contributions was introducing the squad to this thing called jogging (which I believe is pronounced “ogging”). With this cutting edge exercise program Dave believes the Healthy Attitudes have a chance to reach the podium.

Karoline Zacharer: Karoline was the number one overall pick in the 2013 Human Dog Sled draft. Having spent the last year in the minors Karoline is eager to unveil her talents on the big stage. Karoline will be sitting in the sled for the Healthy Attitudes, something scouts say she was born to do. She told WCAP, her training consisted of visiting multiple elementary schools to compete in games of “duck duck goose”. In order to replicate sitting in a sled Karoline would never move from her position, even when she was tapped on the head. While this proved to be an important training exercise it also sparked multiple temper tantrums from the students. This is because she did not move from her spot which according to the students was unfair.

Frank McCabe: Back in 2002 Frank was a sure fire first round pick in the Human Dog Sled Draft. However, after an unfortunate incident at a local pancake restaurant he was completely passed on, and instead landed oversees in an amateur French league.   While in France, the host of Can I Be Frank led Las Bouches (which translates to “The Mouths” in English) to back to back French Championships. However, Frank continued to get into trouble, and bounced around from team to team. The Healthy Attitudes decided to roll the dice on Mr. McCabe, believing he can be an important part of the team if he can control his off the arena issues.

Austin Fontanella (C): Austin Fontanella is the self-proclaimed captain of the Healthy Attitudes. The morning show co-host was not picked because of his talent (if you remember he was self-appointed so technically he wasn’t picked at all) but rather because he had already painted a “C” on his t-shirt. In order to prep for the event Austin spent some time in Alaska studying the huskies running in the Iditarod. After three months he realized their best bet to win would have been replacing the human team with one run by dogs.

Theodore “Teddy” Panos: Coaching this squad will be morning show host Teddy Panos. Teddy is no rookie to this event. In the early 1990’s the name Teddy Panos alone would send competitors running (think of a scene in a cheesy western movie when two characters get ready for a shootout). However, Teddy’s career was tragically cut short in the 1998 games when he was carted off the field after a freak snow cone accident. One that is too graphic to go into detail here. Teddy is now ready to put the past behind him, and lead this rag tag bunch known affectionately as the Healthy Attitudes.

Doc Holliday of BB Guns makes his mark in Belvidere.

Aren Eaton

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A 20-year-old Lowell man is facing a total of 42 charges, including vandalism and discharging a BB gun, after police say he went on a shooting spree in the Belvidere section of the city earlier this month, damaging the windows of 20 cars and a number of homes. The suspect also allegedly shot a bystander outside a Dunkin’ Donuts.

In Lowell District Court on Tuesday, Aren Eaton was ordered held on $250 cash bail after pleading not guilty to discharging a BB gun (21 counts), vandalizing property (19 counts), malicious destruction of property over $250, and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.

While prosecutor Phil Chen asked for $5,000 cash bail, noting all the damage Eaton allegedly caused driving around on Feb. 8, defense attorney Melissa Devore asked for personal recognizance, noting Eaton has a 4-year-old child and another child on the way.

42 counts with a BB gun in one night?  This kid doesn’t belong on trial…he belongs on a medal stand.  Do you know how hard it is to hit anything with a BB gun?  If we can get him a couple cross country skiing lessons and perhaps a relative to pinch hit for his demanding parental obligations, we’ve got a biathlon gold in 2018.

PS.  The Lowell police should just starting finger printing in the nursery at Lowell General.  Did anyone there see “Aren” show up on a birth certificate and not think that this young cherub would someday be spraying BB’s all over Belvidere?

Double PS. How we haven’t gated Belvidere yet is beyond me?  If Halloween on Andover Street doesn’t convince you, the fact that “Aren’s” DNA is going roaming free for years to come should.

Triple PS.  It will be hard for a jury of peers to convict someone with such an awesome chinstrap beard.

Winterfest couldn’t be coming at a better time.

winterscene

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — As shoveling weariness rises with snow-fall totals, a 49-year-old Dracut woman is accused of assaulting a police officer in a dispute that was triggered after she repeatedly refused to move her snow-bound car for a plow.

After Teries S. Isckarus, of 141 Thissell Ave., unit 24, finally agreed to move her car during the Monday afternoon incident, the officer discovered the car was not registered. When the officer tried to remove the plates, Isckarus allegedly grabbed his wrist to stop him and struggled while being arrested, according to court documents.

The officer noticed the snow and ice around her car was unsafe. Speaking to her inside her home, the officer told her if she refused, he would have the vehicle towed and she would pay the cost. She refused.

When the officer went outside with Isckarus following, she slipped and fell on the snow and ice surrounding her car. After helping her up, the officer was notified that the car’s registration was revoked for insurance reasons. Isckarus insisted she had paperwork inside that would show her car was legally registered.

As the officer used a screwdriver to remove the license plates, Isckarus allegedly grabbed the officer’s wrist and pulled it away from the plate, police allege. She was told to move away, but she continued to move toward the officer, police allege.

At one point, police say Isckarus yelled to her children to “come out here and cry,” police allege. Police asked her children to retrieve from the house the paperwork, which they did, but it didn’t prevent Isckarus from being arrested.
Winterfest couldn’t be coming at a better time.  Parking Ban’s, Scraping, Shoveling, It’s the worst.  I can’t say I blame Teries here for her lapse in sanity.  I think we’re all right there on the cusp.  Lucky for us, we’ve got the Winterfest waiting for us with open arms at weeks end.  After couple of adult cocktails and a little bit of twerking in Club Celcius, you won’t even see the snow anymore.

SOFC Olympics Midweek Update: Not From Sochi

We’re just about up to our necks in Olympics now…assuming you haven’t figured out that the Olympics were actually held a month ago and NBC is carefully tape delaying the shit out of us.  Since I don’t operate on Russian time, I’m going to throw this one back out to our Sochi correspondent, Alysha Lynch for the latest through the midweek:

If you missed previous updates.

Alysha’s Best Moments through the mid-week:

Sochi eyes

1.       Bob Costas being replaced by Matt Laurer:  Sorry Bob, but your run as the longest Olympic host since the Olympics moved to NBC is over.  We know this isn’t permanent but maybe this will teach you a “life lesson” next time when you decide to wash your face with not so clear looking water.  Your parting moments with Mary Carillo were pretty funny, taking shots of Russian vodka on tv like you didn’t give a fuck when really you were dying on the inside knowing NBC’s golden boy Matty L was on his way in to start practicing his lines.    And so far I must say Matt is a breath of fresh air, I feel like he is taking his reporting to a whole other level.  So take your time healing Bob, we don’t want to see you back until your eyes are normal color and you aren’t wearing those silly glasses anymore!

Editors note: If you don’t believe Matt Laurer wasn’t farting on Bob’s pillows, I don’t want to know you. Continue reading

If Obama were really an American…

…he’d sign an executive order declaring all bars open for Saturday’s puck drop against the Red Army.  As it stands right now, he’s probably shuffling around the White House in his Tretiak jersey.

So far, I have an unofficial confirmation that Whipple will not be open.  Any other Lowell bars planning to get your Kegs’n Eggs on while our Hockey team rips the heart of the Soviet soul…let us know.  sonsoffrankycabot@gmail.com

 

It’s Girl Scout cookie season… keep your head on a swivel (YouTube Gold)

Very rude indeed.  It’s not all samoas, thin mints, and smiles during cookie season.  Let this be a lesson to girl scouts in the valley.  Make sure you keep your cookie money jar away from cookie monsters.