This is how you make statement on the MBTA.

20140228-073617.jpg

Here I was this whole time thinking the T was only for average joes like myself, just looking for some newspaper time before we wage war in our cubicles. Not today my friends. Looks like folks in the upper echelon of society hate sitting in traffic too. I bet a coat like that gets itself it’s own two seater, or at the very least, doesn’t have too sit on top of the Indian guys’ enormous book bags.

20140228-073651.jpg

Advertisements

Deaf folks in Lowell are ravaging each other’s private parts again.

20140226-183910.jpg

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A 24-year-old city woman is accused of assaulting her deaf boyfriend while he slept by pulling his private parts so hard, they ripped in two places, requiring stitches.

In Lowell District Court last week, Erika Post, of Maple Street, pleaded not guilty to assault and battery on her 33-year-old live-in boyfriend. She was released on personal recognizance with the conditions that she stay away and have no contact with the victim.

Her next court date is April 22 for a pretrial conference.

According to court documents, Lowell police responded at 1:21 a.m. on Feb. 18 to 84 Maple St. for an unknown medical. On the way to the scene, police were told the victim was a deaf male who was bleeding.

When police arrived, the victim was holding his genitals from outside his sweatpants and appeared to be in pain. The victim’s brother acted as an interpreter, telling police that the victim was sleeping when Post allegedly pulled his pants down and pulled forcefully several times, drawing blood.

C’mon! How many times do we have watch the deafs rip each other’s genitals off before somebody steps in and teaches them what “safe words” are all about. These poor folks live their entire lives communicating to each other like a pair third base coaches, you’d think they would have this one covered by now. But as is usually the norm, getting rough in the bedroom ends with a fistful of bloody deaf testies. If you want to get mid evil in the bedroom, you got to be safe.

Bruins Raise Season Ticket Prices…a shit ton.

Ganked from Masshole Sports I suppose.

Ganked from Masshole Sports I suppose.

Boston.com

We’re a long way from free meatballs.

Leave it to the Bruins. The team returns to the NHL schedule Wednesday night in Buffalo, Boston’s first game since Feb. 8’s 7-2 thrashing of Ottawa, but rather than dreaming of Black and Gold over the thought of watching Olympians Zdeno Chara, Patrice Bergeron, and Loui Eriksson play together for the first time in nearly three weeks, a certain segment of Bruins season-ticket holders are seeing red.

The hammer dropped Tuesday in regards to what Bruins faithful can expect to shell out in season ticket funds next season, and the news came with more angst than seeing Blake Wheeler cradle the puck. Based on reports from season-ticket holders, prices will increase anywhere from 17 to 44 percent next season, likely pricing many fans out for the tickets, which currently boast a waiting list.

“To be candid, we experienced some years here where we didn’t really have all that much goodwill,” Jacobs after the lockout ended last year. “It took a long time to build up that equity, if you will, of goodwill. I feel it’s still there in this market, and I’ve actually experienced it firsthand.”

-Jeremy Fucking Jacobs

The problem with loving the Bruins is the fine print in the contract that allows Jeremy Jacobs to declare primae noctis on your paychecks.  We all know the deal going in.  No matter what kind of success the team has, it will always taste slightly off as long as JJ’s cutting the paychecks.

What We’ve Learned: Ned’s February 2014 Local Politics Update

GrapesMercier2

I suppose I’m a little late with my February updates, but it’s to be expected as I am a product of an underfunded school system.

Bill Samaris is dominating.  Seriously.  This guy is everywhere.   Council agendas. The Lowell Sun.  WCAP.  State of the Union addresses.  Throwing out first pitches.   Would somebody mind letting him know that this is not an election year?  Pace yourself, Billy boy!  You don’t want to pull a hammy.

I’m pretty sure we have a new City Manager. Congrats to Kevin Murphy on the well-deserved position.  First order of business is figuring out which properties to seize to add another 9-holes to Mt Pleasant.  I’m sure there will be a least one super long par 4 so all the members can have a sexual experience with one another every time they reach it in regulation.

Mayor Elliott is finally settling into a groove.  Council Meetings have finally settled into a nice flow.  We’re in, we’re out, no nonsense.  It’s like watching Mark Buehrle pitch… if Mark Buehrle kept a Mayor Murphy and Bernie Lynch voodoo doll in the dugout and was constantly leaving the mound to go stick pins in it.

Downtown Revitalization Starts and Ends with Mill No.5:  “The people of Lowell elected me because I know the difference between happy endings and great economic opportunity” is what I imagine Corey Belanger said after his now famous expedition with Grapes to snuff out discreet rub’n tugs in downtown mill complexes.  As it turns out, there’s this little project called Mill No.5 happening down there that nobody knew or heard about until now, thanks to Lewis and Clark.

As for the handjobs at Mill No.5, they’re probably not completely off the table but you’ll likely have to buy some artwork first.

The new Chief of Police is a Public Relations Tour de Force.  The City couldn’t look any better in the eyes of outsiders.  Images of gun battles and executions have faded to the background courtesy of a possible hooker who officially had too many Killer Millers.  Station morale is no doubt at an all-time high.  And as if there weren’t enough winners in this one; it looks like Mayor Elliott will most definitely be able to deliver on his campaign promise to hire new cops…anywhere from 3-5, I suppose.

Congrats to Councilor Grapes Mercier.  The only thing that I understood from what she was telling us last evening is that she recently adopted Dave Daly, and loves him like a son.  I’m pretty sure she thinks that he actually drives the ambulances.

Also, if you still wonder the reasons (not related to the 21st amendment) why Grapes tops the ticket every two years, take a look what she’s mustered since I last chimed in:

Scuttled a Library Board appointment. (Unsuccessfully)

Establish Guidelines on what the Mayoral portrait should consist of. (Pending I suppose).

Is inspecting every pane of glass in the city for safety.

Paved way for a garden on the Christian Hill Res.

Discovered this new place called Mill No.5.

Repainting parking lines for her faithful constituents at the Senior Center.

Diaboliical.

Legislative Breakfast Caption Contest

“These opening bands are shit. Can we get to Dick Howe Jr. already.”

Eight dewey’s before the age of 50 is about as prolific as it gets.

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A 47-year-old city man is facing his eighth drunken driving charge after Dracut police arrested him Saturday night after he nearly crashed into a Dracut police cruiser.

Daniel G. Silva, of 8 Riverby St., will be arraigned Monday in Lowell District Court on charges of operating under the influence of alcohol — fifth or subsequent offense, speeding, marked lanes violation, failure to stop for police, uninsured motor vehicle, unregistered motor vehicle, operating a motor vehicle on a revoked license, and attaching plates.

According to court documents, a Dracut police officer was driving along Nashua Road at 10:20 p.m. when he saw a 2001 Dodge van coming up fast behind nearly striking the cruiser before braking. When the officer checked the license plate, it came back to a Honda Civic.

After pulling over, Silva, nearly fell out of his vehicle, repeatedly saying, “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry indeed.  Do you know how hard it is to be stopped for drunk driving without other cars, pedestrians, or inanimate roadside objects entering the equation?  That’s not an endorsement of drinking and driving.  That’s a statistical reality when you consider the amount of Police Officers out there for every maniac that gets behind the wheel beyond .08. What we’ve got here and an outlier’s outlier. Assuming Daniel Silva started drinking and driving on his 21st birthday (and I don’t see any character flags that would suggest otherwise), he’s averaged a DUI for every 3.25 years since 1988.  That’s what they call “Ruthian” on the dewey circuit.  He’s a first ballot’er if I’ve ever seen one.

PS.  Speaking of first ballot’ers, if there were a Merrimack Valley Drunk Driver Hall of Fame, it would be in Billerica right?