This is how you make statement on the MBTA.

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Here I was this whole time thinking the T was only for average joes like myself, just looking for some newspaper time before we wage war in our cubicles. Not today my friends. Looks like folks in the upper echelon of society hate sitting in traffic too. I bet a coat like that gets itself it’s own two seater, or at the very least, doesn’t have too sit on top of the Indian guys’ enormous book bags.

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Deaf folks in Lowell are ravaging each other’s private parts again.

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Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A 24-year-old city woman is accused of assaulting her deaf boyfriend while he slept by pulling his private parts so hard, they ripped in two places, requiring stitches.

In Lowell District Court last week, Erika Post, of Maple Street, pleaded not guilty to assault and battery on her 33-year-old live-in boyfriend. She was released on personal recognizance with the conditions that she stay away and have no contact with the victim.

Her next court date is April 22 for a pretrial conference.

According to court documents, Lowell police responded at 1:21 a.m. on Feb. 18 to 84 Maple St. for an unknown medical. On the way to the scene, police were told the victim was a deaf male who was bleeding.

When police arrived, the victim was holding his genitals from outside his sweatpants and appeared to be in pain. The victim’s brother acted as an interpreter, telling police that the victim was sleeping when Post allegedly pulled his pants down and pulled forcefully several times, drawing blood.

C’mon! How many times do we have watch the deafs rip each other’s genitals off before somebody steps in and teaches them what “safe words” are all about. These poor folks live their entire lives communicating to each other like a pair third base coaches, you’d think they would have this one covered by now. But as is usually the norm, getting rough in the bedroom ends with a fistful of bloody deaf testies. If you want to get mid evil in the bedroom, you got to be safe.

Bruins Raise Season Ticket Prices…a shit ton.

Ganked from Masshole Sports I suppose.

Ganked from Masshole Sports I suppose.

Boston.com

We’re a long way from free meatballs.

Leave it to the Bruins. The team returns to the NHL schedule Wednesday night in Buffalo, Boston’s first game since Feb. 8’s 7-2 thrashing of Ottawa, but rather than dreaming of Black and Gold over the thought of watching Olympians Zdeno Chara, Patrice Bergeron, and Loui Eriksson play together for the first time in nearly three weeks, a certain segment of Bruins season-ticket holders are seeing red.

The hammer dropped Tuesday in regards to what Bruins faithful can expect to shell out in season ticket funds next season, and the news came with more angst than seeing Blake Wheeler cradle the puck. Based on reports from season-ticket holders, prices will increase anywhere from 17 to 44 percent next season, likely pricing many fans out for the tickets, which currently boast a waiting list.

“To be candid, we experienced some years here where we didn’t really have all that much goodwill,” Jacobs after the lockout ended last year. “It took a long time to build up that equity, if you will, of goodwill. I feel it’s still there in this market, and I’ve actually experienced it firsthand.”

-Jeremy Fucking Jacobs

The problem with loving the Bruins is the fine print in the contract that allows Jeremy Jacobs to declare primae noctis on your paychecks.  We all know the deal going in.  No matter what kind of success the team has, it will always taste slightly off as long as JJ’s cutting the paychecks.

What We’ve Learned: Ned’s February 2014 Local Politics Update

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I suppose I’m a little late with my February updates, but it’s to be expected as I am a product of an underfunded school system.

Bill Samaris is dominating.  Seriously.  This guy is everywhere.   Council agendas. The Lowell Sun.  WCAP.  State of the Union addresses.  Throwing out first pitches.   Would somebody mind letting him know that this is not an election year?  Pace yourself, Billy boy!  You don’t want to pull a hammy.

I’m pretty sure we have a new City Manager. Congrats to Kevin Murphy on the well-deserved position.  First order of business is figuring out which properties to seize to add another 9-holes to Mt Pleasant.  I’m sure there will be a least one super long par 4 so all the members can have a sexual experience with one another every time they reach it in regulation.

Mayor Elliott is finally settling into a groove.  Council Meetings have finally settled into a nice flow.  We’re in, we’re out, no nonsense.  It’s like watching Mark Buehrle pitch… if Mark Buehrle kept a Mayor Murphy and Bernie Lynch voodoo doll in the dugout and was constantly leaving the mound to go stick pins in it.

Downtown Revitalization Starts and Ends with Mill No.5:  “The people of Lowell elected me because I know the difference between happy endings and great economic opportunity” is what I imagine Corey Belanger said after his now famous expedition with Grapes to snuff out discreet rub’n tugs in downtown mill complexes.  As it turns out, there’s this little project called Mill No.5 happening down there that nobody knew or heard about until now, thanks to Lewis and Clark.

As for the handjobs at Mill No.5, they’re probably not completely off the table but you’ll likely have to buy some artwork first.

The new Chief of Police is a Public Relations Tour de Force.  The City couldn’t look any better in the eyes of outsiders.  Images of gun battles and executions have faded to the background courtesy of a possible hooker who officially had too many Killer Millers.  Station morale is no doubt at an all-time high.  And as if there weren’t enough winners in this one; it looks like Mayor Elliott will most definitely be able to deliver on his campaign promise to hire new cops…anywhere from 3-5, I suppose.

Congrats to Councilor Grapes Mercier.  The only thing that I understood from what she was telling us last evening is that she recently adopted Dave Daly, and loves him like a son.  I’m pretty sure she thinks that he actually drives the ambulances.

Also, if you still wonder the reasons (not related to the 21st amendment) why Grapes tops the ticket every two years, take a look what she’s mustered since I last chimed in:

Scuttled a Library Board appointment. (Unsuccessfully)

Establish Guidelines on what the Mayoral portrait should consist of. (Pending I suppose).

Is inspecting every pane of glass in the city for safety.

Paved way for a garden on the Christian Hill Res.

Discovered this new place called Mill No.5.

Repainting parking lines for her faithful constituents at the Senior Center.

Diaboliical.

Legislative Breakfast Caption Contest

“These opening bands are shit. Can we get to Dick Howe Jr. already.”

Eight dewey’s before the age of 50 is about as prolific as it gets.

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A 47-year-old city man is facing his eighth drunken driving charge after Dracut police arrested him Saturday night after he nearly crashed into a Dracut police cruiser.

Daniel G. Silva, of 8 Riverby St., will be arraigned Monday in Lowell District Court on charges of operating under the influence of alcohol — fifth or subsequent offense, speeding, marked lanes violation, failure to stop for police, uninsured motor vehicle, unregistered motor vehicle, operating a motor vehicle on a revoked license, and attaching plates.

According to court documents, a Dracut police officer was driving along Nashua Road at 10:20 p.m. when he saw a 2001 Dodge van coming up fast behind nearly striking the cruiser before braking. When the officer checked the license plate, it came back to a Honda Civic.

After pulling over, Silva, nearly fell out of his vehicle, repeatedly saying, “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry indeed.  Do you know how hard it is to be stopped for drunk driving without other cars, pedestrians, or inanimate roadside objects entering the equation?  That’s not an endorsement of drinking and driving.  That’s a statistical reality when you consider the amount of Police Officers out there for every maniac that gets behind the wheel beyond .08. What we’ve got here and an outlier’s outlier. Assuming Daniel Silva started drinking and driving on his 21st birthday (and I don’t see any character flags that would suggest otherwise), he’s averaged a DUI for every 3.25 years since 1988.  That’s what they call “Ruthian” on the dewey circuit.  He’s a first ballot’er if I’ve ever seen one.

PS.  Speaking of first ballot’ers, if there were a Merrimack Valley Drunk Driver Hall of Fame, it would be in Billerica right?

Obama bets cases of beer with Canada’s Prime Minster over hockey games

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Yahoo Sports

The United States and Canada are on the proverbial collision course on the hockey rink in both the men’s and women’s divisions. And since the world would probably look unfavorably on the U.S. invading Canada, the leaders of both nations have resorted to a more sporting form of settling disputes: a gentleman’s wager.

President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Steven Harper have bet a case of beer on each game. “For a very brief period of time, I may not feel as warm towards Canadians as I normally do, at least until those matches are over,” Obama told Harper while both were at a leaders’ meeting in Mexico on Thursday.

The leaders announced the bet on Twitter:

.@pmharper and I bet on the women’s and men’s US-Canada hockey games. Winner gets a case of beer for each game. #GoTeamUSA! -bo

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) February 20, 2014

I’m betting @barackobama one case of Canadian beer per hockey game this week. #teamusa is good, but #WeAreWinter. #GoCanadaGo @WhiteHouse

— Stephen Harper (@pmharper) February 20, 2014

Everyone in Canada reading this article: “Only two cases of beer, eh? What the fuck are we supposed to do with two cases of beer?”

Meet the “Healthy Attitudes” sponsored by Circle Health.

Note from Tobes: The lads over at WCAP finalized their roster for the 2014 Winterfest Human Dogsled competition and sent it our way.  Looks a little bit like a rebuilding year to me, but I’ve never seen the sport itself because it doesn’t go down inside Club Celcius.

Nevertheless, Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re “Healthy Attitudes.”

'Cool Runnings'

Chris Poublon (A): Chris is the most experienced member of the Health Attitudes (in fact he is the only one who has actually run the course) making him the squad’s one veteran member. The Healthy Attitudes will surely rely on Chris for everything from course insight to the quickest route to the bathroom. When asked why he keeps putting his body on the line, and coming back year after year the afternoon producer said, “Wait I’m running again?”

Dave Morrison: In order to bring a spark to the team, the Healthy Attitudes called on the talents of Dave Morrison. The weekend producer and news man was snatched up in free agency in what experts are calling the steal of the off-season. Dave is bringing the Healthy Attitudes into the 21st century by showing them the concepts of healthy eating and exercise. One of Dave’s biggest contributions was introducing the squad to this thing called jogging (which I believe is pronounced “ogging”). With this cutting edge exercise program Dave believes the Healthy Attitudes have a chance to reach the podium.

Karoline Zacharer: Karoline was the number one overall pick in the 2013 Human Dog Sled draft. Having spent the last year in the minors Karoline is eager to unveil her talents on the big stage. Karoline will be sitting in the sled for the Healthy Attitudes, something scouts say she was born to do. She told WCAP, her training consisted of visiting multiple elementary schools to compete in games of “duck duck goose”. In order to replicate sitting in a sled Karoline would never move from her position, even when she was tapped on the head. While this proved to be an important training exercise it also sparked multiple temper tantrums from the students. This is because she did not move from her spot which according to the students was unfair.

Frank McCabe: Back in 2002 Frank was a sure fire first round pick in the Human Dog Sled Draft. However, after an unfortunate incident at a local pancake restaurant he was completely passed on, and instead landed oversees in an amateur French league.   While in France, the host of Can I Be Frank led Las Bouches (which translates to “The Mouths” in English) to back to back French Championships. However, Frank continued to get into trouble, and bounced around from team to team. The Healthy Attitudes decided to roll the dice on Mr. McCabe, believing he can be an important part of the team if he can control his off the arena issues.

Austin Fontanella (C): Austin Fontanella is the self-proclaimed captain of the Healthy Attitudes. The morning show co-host was not picked because of his talent (if you remember he was self-appointed so technically he wasn’t picked at all) but rather because he had already painted a “C” on his t-shirt. In order to prep for the event Austin spent some time in Alaska studying the huskies running in the Iditarod. After three months he realized their best bet to win would have been replacing the human team with one run by dogs.

Theodore “Teddy” Panos: Coaching this squad will be morning show host Teddy Panos. Teddy is no rookie to this event. In the early 1990’s the name Teddy Panos alone would send competitors running (think of a scene in a cheesy western movie when two characters get ready for a shootout). However, Teddy’s career was tragically cut short in the 1998 games when he was carted off the field after a freak snow cone accident. One that is too graphic to go into detail here. Teddy is now ready to put the past behind him, and lead this rag tag bunch known affectionately as the Healthy Attitudes.

Doc Holliday of BB Guns makes his mark in Belvidere.

Aren Eaton

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A 20-year-old Lowell man is facing a total of 42 charges, including vandalism and discharging a BB gun, after police say he went on a shooting spree in the Belvidere section of the city earlier this month, damaging the windows of 20 cars and a number of homes. The suspect also allegedly shot a bystander outside a Dunkin’ Donuts.

In Lowell District Court on Tuesday, Aren Eaton was ordered held on $250 cash bail after pleading not guilty to discharging a BB gun (21 counts), vandalizing property (19 counts), malicious destruction of property over $250, and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.

While prosecutor Phil Chen asked for $5,000 cash bail, noting all the damage Eaton allegedly caused driving around on Feb. 8, defense attorney Melissa Devore asked for personal recognizance, noting Eaton has a 4-year-old child and another child on the way.

42 counts with a BB gun in one night?  This kid doesn’t belong on trial…he belongs on a medal stand.  Do you know how hard it is to hit anything with a BB gun?  If we can get him a couple cross country skiing lessons and perhaps a relative to pinch hit for his demanding parental obligations, we’ve got a biathlon gold in 2018.

PS.  The Lowell police should just starting finger printing in the nursery at Lowell General.  Did anyone there see “Aren” show up on a birth certificate and not think that this young cherub would someday be spraying BB’s all over Belvidere?

Double PS. How we haven’t gated Belvidere yet is beyond me?  If Halloween on Andover Street doesn’t convince you, the fact that “Aren’s” DNA is going roaming free for years to come should.

Triple PS.  It will be hard for a jury of peers to convict someone with such an awesome chinstrap beard.