Speak freely….no wait!

Have you ever noticed how behaved and polite you are to your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner in the presence of company?  When it comes to disagreements or differing opinions with a loved one, society has taught us to always maintain a level of respect and dignity when others are around; even if we have a strong inclination to speak out.  Men and women alike do not like to be publically embarrassed by their respective counterpart, even if they deserve it.  Whether you are at dinner with friends, a company party or your child’s school play, calling out your ‘better half’ with others in ear shot is a recipe for sure domestic disaster.

Agree?

Of course you do, but your pants are on fire if you did not totally want to say otherwise.

Onward, how many times has your blood boiled about something your better half did or said and you have bit your tongue for the sake of social harmony?  Well, here is a breakout of what I think you guys and gals would really have liked to express when “this” happened.

SETTING: Holiday Party

STATEMENT: “Sorry we are late but Jimmy insisted he didn’t need directions.  I kept telling him it was the wrong way, but he wouldn’t listen!”

ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE: (polite head nod of acceptance), “Haha, I know, hon. I could have sworn it just off Route 66.  Should have listened to you.”

DESIRED RESPONSE: “I should have kicked you out of the car when I broke the speed limit you so delicately reminded me I was breaking.  If you weren’t babbling incoherently in my ear for the entire ride asking ‘if you look fat in those jeans?’ I wouldn’t have missed the turn.  By the way, yes you do.”

Here we see an all time classic.  A Man’s natural instinct is to track/hunt/discover without the aid of others, including his lady.

SETTING: Dinner party at your house

STATEMENT: “Glad to see someone is enjoying Carol’s chicken.  I thought she forgot where the kitchen was!  Sweetie, is this really your recipe or you still having that affair with Colonel Sanders?”

ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE: “Oh, you are a real funny guy.  You’ll be cooking for yourself forever if you keep it up {insert fake little giggle}.”

DESIRED RESPONSE: “How about I jam this chicken down your cluckin throat, you @$$*%^! ?”

Guys, calling out a woman’s cooking is never a winning situation.  Even if she is like the Meth Head Giada, you have to be nice in these circumstances.  There is nothing like a woman scorned; except a woman scorned with sharp objects and scalding hot cookware at her fingertips.

SETTING: A Child’s Parent Teacher Meeting

STATEMENT: “You remember my wife, Judy, Mrs. Robinson.  She used to teach too, but now the demands of laundry and The Ellen Show force her to be home…all day…everyday.  Haha…you know what I mean?”

ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE: “That is so mean, Jeff!  You and I both agreed I would stay home with the kids.  Pay no attention to him Mrs. Robison.  Coo Coo Ca choo.”

DESIRED RESPONSE:  (No words.  Just a Big Gulp size cup full of sulfuric acid to the face or a sock full of AIDS needles to the groin area)

You have heard the expression “talking out of school”?  Here is where that phrase was invented.  Bashing the Mrs. in front of your child’s primary educational influence is an immediate visit to the Principal’s office and detention for a month.  And by “Principal’s office” I mean “couch land” and by “detention” I mean “abstinence”.

SETTING: Standing in the driveway talking to the handy neighbor.

STATEMENT: “Did you just ask Fred if he had a sledgehammer?  Yeah right, I wouldn’t trust him near any tools.  He practically lost his thumb hammering a tack into the wall.”

ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE: “Come on, Wilma.  I’m not that bad.  And my thumb was barely nicked.”

DESIRED RESPONSE: “That’s so funny, sweetheart.  And she’s right, neighbor, I don’t have a sledgehammer, but watch what I can do with this rock!”

Few things damage a man’s ego quite like the embarrassment of admitting he is not all-things Tim ‘Tool Time’ Taylor.  Like pre-historic cave men the male species’ DNA has yet to evolve.  The ability to provide food/shelter/fire (and apparently fix the toilet) is a primary part of our makeup.  Don’t take that away from him right in front of Barney Rubble.

These scenarios are a dime a dozen and I am confident we each have our own specific memories of these trying times when you just wanted to go crazy on that object of your affection.

Best advice is count to 10, take a walk and say all those mean things to some unsuspecting stranger or child.  Ya know, the adult, confident and mature way.

Remember to follow the Can I Be Frank Facebook page as well as on Twitter @fhmccabe.  More nonsense on the Can I Be Frank radio show Friday’s at 11:00AM on 980 WCAP.