Monthly Archives: January 2014

01.31.14
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Help me win $10K by KO’ing George Zimmerman

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Fresh off winning the Novice NAGA nogi Heavyweight New England Championship in Submission grappling last weekend Teddy Panos hit me with this bomb this morning, “Apply to fight George Zimmerman and win $10 grand.”  Sold.  Fired off an email to fightgeorge@hotmail.com this morning telling them who I was, that I’m from Lowell and Micky Ward could train me for this car wreck.  I don’t hate George Zimmerman but $10 large is reason enough to whip anyone’s ass.  So I ask you readers of The Cabot to email fightgeorge@hotmail.com and tell fight promoter Damon Feldman to pick me Mark Lynch over the other applicants because of whatever reason you want to give.  C’mon you know you want to see me knock him out.

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01.30.14
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Lowell Track, Wins. Again.

In other news, in an effort to improve parity, MVC officials announced that all teams in the MVC will be allowed to wear Rollerblades and Healey’s when they run against Lowell. It’s a decision not just for raising the self esteem of opposing athletes, but for reducing the amount of ore and precious metals that are mined every year to keep up with this Red Raider trophy run.

01.30.14
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Can I Be Frank?: Marital Diss

Speak freely….no wait!

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Have you ever noticed how behaved and polite you are to your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner in the presence of company?  When it comes to disagreements or differing opinions with a loved one, society has taught us to always maintain a level of respect and dignity when others are around; even if we have a strong inclination to speak out.  Men and women alike do not like to be publically embarrassed by their respective counterpart, even if they deserve it.  Whether you are at dinner with friends, a company party or your child’s school play, calling out your ‘better half’ with others in ear shot is a recipe for sure domestic disaster.

Agree?

Of course you do, but your pants are on fire if you did not totally want to say otherwise.

Onward, how many times has your blood boiled about something your better half did or said and you have bit your tongue for the sake of social harmony?  Well, here is a breakout of what I think you guys and gals would really have liked to express when “this” happened.

SETTING: Holiday Party

STATEMENT: “Sorry we are late but Jimmy insisted he didn’t need directions.  I kept telling him it was the wrong way, but he wouldn’t listen!”

ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE: (polite head nod of acceptance), “Haha, I know, hon. I could have sworn it just off Route 66.  Should have listened to you.”

DESIRED RESPONSE: “I should have kicked you out of the car when I broke the speed limit you so delicately reminded me I was breaking.  If you weren’t babbling incoherently in my ear for the entire ride asking ‘if you look fat in those jeans?’ I wouldn’t have missed the turn.  By the way, yes you do.”

Here we see an all time classic.  A Man’s natural instinct is to track/hunt/discover without the aid of others, including his lady.

Continue reading →

01.29.14
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MBTA is the #3 Regional Transit provider in…pause for effect…the country.

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Boston.com

This one’s a surprise: Boston–and by extension, its pride and joy of a transit system–was ranked the third best US city for public transportation by Walk Score.

To assemble the ranking, Walk Score calculated the Transit Score of 316 cities and nearly 7,000 neighborhoods. Boston scored a 75, falling behind New York (81) and San Francisco (80.)

Transit Scores were based on the average resident’s access to public transit in the city, using a population-weighted methodology. Only cities with more than 500,000 people were included in the top list.

Walk Score said the ranking favored Northeast cities “with established subway systems.”

As I pick myself up off the floor, I’m realizing I’m going to have to totally recalibrate my expectations for service as a frequent flyer on the purple and orange trains. Here I was this whole time thinking “Overall Experience” was the sum of reliability, comfort, and safety. Turns out that as long as your text messaging operator doesn’t try to takeout an inbound Amtrak train, or your conductor doesn’t fatally stab someone with their hole’punchah for not buying their ticket at the station, you should consider yourself serviced. #3 overall level serviced.

01.29.14
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Coaches Corner…Featuring City Legend Grapes Mercier: Mayoral Portraits

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 ““That picture is a beautiful picture. It just doesn’t fit in this setting. It belongs on his mantel in his home. It’s not a reality show, ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’ It’s not about turning your back to the public. It’s supposed to be about the person chosen to lead the City Council leading in a dignified way. Although there are no official rules in place, it’s a given.” – Coach Grapes Mercier

 

On Next Week’s episode of Coaches Corner, Grapes discusses the potential of German Cow farts knocking artwork of the walls at city hall.

01.28.14
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Tyngsboro is slowly getting back to what it does best.

Lowell Sun

TYNGSBORO — A former strip-club owner’s controversial request for an entertainment license at Duke’s Pub and Grille — to allow performers dressed in bikinis and Speedos to dance in-house — was approved 3-2 by the Board of Selectmen Monday night.

Selectmen reviewed Duke’s owner Don DiRocco’s request earlier this month and asked more questions Monday at a public hearing. Duke’s is located on Frost Road and DiRocco previously told the board he was looking for approval of the license to boost business.

After grilling DiRocco for more than a half-hour Monday night, Chairwoman Karyn Puleo said she did not receive enough information from DiRocco to vote in favor of the license.

“Let this beautiful patch of land be a safe harbor for Roller Skaters and Strippers.” Colonel Tyng – 1705

As the chief expert in Tyngsboro culture, I have a hard time believing I wasn’t given a press credential for this event.  Nevertheless, our neighbors up north did not disappoint.  In any town across the country, hysterics over the idea of allowing a windowless bar the opportunity to present women of various variety, dancing in their finest beach attire…would be perfectly reasonable.  But this recent puritanical crusade they’ve got going on up there is too much.  It’s like spending time with that really over-the-top Born Again Christian that is only 1 short prison term removed from blowing coke off of surface area provided by hooker body parts.  Don’t run away from who you are Tyngsboro.  Some places are meant to offer great schools, cute downtowns, and well-to-do people.  Other places were meant to offer negotiable fees to have a lost soul have sex with your kneecaps for the duration of a Motley Crue song.

01.27.14
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#8 and its only January. The Chiefs don’t come out of their tee pees until March.

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The Chiefs are just starting to figure out who they are at this point this season, and the USCHO folks still had an uphill climb to find 7 teams to put ahead of them. We’ll let the Superfrauds do their usual self back-patting through February while the tribe along the Merrimack rounds itself into fighting shape for March.

Also, if you haven’t had the opportunity to get down to the Tissongas yet this season for pucks or buckets, tune into the Frank McCabe show on WCAP. He’s not only going to have you sitting courtside like the Biebs for free, but he might even make you laugh.

01.27.14
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A little lesson in humility by Fook’n Noel Gallagher

If only we could all go back an add DVD Commentary on various events in our lives, and if we could, I doubt anyone would be as honest as Noel Gallagher. I’d love to be able to go back and carve the 7th/8th grade version of myself. Cluelessly rolling through the hallways of the Sullivan School and Austin Prep on the three pearl jam shirt rotation, convinced that the key to getting girls to like you was a sweet pair of kicks. “Fook’n dreadful.”