SOFC Presents: Can I Be Frank?: Christmas Candor

Have some fun during the holidays. Haunt your friends and family with some hard core honesty (or some slight exaggerations of the truth. Whatevs)

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Can I Be Frank?: Christmas Candor
Billionaire Boston Businessman Jack Welch made his career, and General Electric, a phenomenal success through the implementation of a few key principles. Not a man to mince words, Welch believed in honesty and, as he describes in his book Winning, “candor” in the workplace. In a very small nutshell, Welch preached that the ultimate way to drive a thriving, growing and successful enterprise is by creating an environment whereby candor was a part of everyday management. Essentially, employees from the CEO to the custodian, knew exactly where they stood in the company’s totem pole at all times. Those that excelled were rewarded. Those in the middle of the pack were offered guidance. Those at the bottom were, well, chopped. Forever controversial in his credo, Welch built an incredible empire and his success at GE cannot be denied.

OK, enough business BS, not what I am pondering.  I am bringing up the topic of candor.

Candor, by definition, is the quality of being open and honest in expression; frankness (I certainly like that last word in the definition).  What I am driving at is there is simply not enough candor in the world – not only just at the workplace.  With the holiday season upon us, there is no better time to start implementing effective and ‘to-the-point’ practices of being candid with the people we run in to each and every day.  Perhaps more than any other time of the year, we are forced to exchange pleasantries with folks all day long.  Unlike other hum-drum dates on the calendar December was created for smiles and cheer; be it real or fake.  I say, what a perfect time to start expressing what you really mean or at least make it entertaining.  Start saying what you really feel.  Start being honest.  Start being candid.

Enough of the incessant “Hi, how are yous?”, “How are things?”, “What’s new?”  “What are your plans for the holidays?”  Enough.  Let’s let everyone know how we feel at that moment in time.  Why not?  What’s the harm?  Society would certainly become more interesting if we all embraced this practice.

But, tis the season of giving so allow me to give you some straight-talk samples so you can learn to truthfully answer all the questions that are hurled in your face; especially during this Holy and blessed time of year.  OK, not truthfully… but have some fun for crying out loud…it’s the holidays!

QUESTION:   Hey, How are you?  Happy Holidays!

ANSWER: I’m OK.  Looks like my restraining order is going to finally be lifted from my ex…so that’s a good thing.  How are the kids?

A creepy look and a quick walkaway are guaranteed.

QUESTION:  What are your plans for Christmas?

ANSWER: Christmas?  Well, I have been a practicing Jew for the last 10 years but thanks for noticing.  (awkward pause) Ha,ha,…I am SO kidding….I’m not Jewish.  I’m Chinese.

Should raise an eyebrow or 3…unless you actually are Chinese.  Doesn’t work if you are.

QUESTION: So, what are you getting Jim/Judy for Christmas?

ANSWER: Vasectomy/Hysterectomy

How you like them apples?

QUESTION: I am sure hoping for a white Christmas, how bout you?

ANSWER: If by “White” you mean I get “a ton of cocaine”…then yes….me too.

Suspected drug use is always a holiday classic.

QUESTION: Have you gotten your tree yet?

ANSWER: We did! We got a Bonsai.  So excited.  Decorating it tomorrow night with Mr Miagi.

Karate Kid jokes never, ever fail.

QUESTION: Hope you are on Santa’s NICE list?

ANSWER: Except for that alleged abduction, I can’t imagine why I wouldn’t be.  Chilly out, huh?

Again, keep the asker on their toes.

QUESTION: Any mistletoe hanging in your house?

ANSWER: We’re not big mistletoe believers in our house but there is a tradition of the ‘Ether Bunny’ we celebrate year round.

Intentionally drugging of a loved one is like Christmas morning any day of year.

QUESTION: How you doing with your holiday shopping?

ANSWER: Not bad.  You wouldn’t believe how easy it is to sneak crap out of the Dollar Store.

The trick to this one is double check your pockets/purse as you respond.

QUESTION: What are your New Year’s resolutions?

ANSWER: Kept it simple this year.  Staying off the meth while driving the kids around.  You can never be too safe, right?  Oh, and I am definitely joining a gym.

I am not sure this is candor or just cruel and sarcastic answers to commonly asked questions during the holidays.  Take it or leave it.

As Cousin Eddie so eloquently stated in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation….

’Merry Christmas, S#!++er is FULL!”

And to all a good night…..
Guest Blogger Frank McCabe can be heard every Friday on 980 WCAP AM Radio. For anyone under the age of 70, run to your nearest Iphone and download TuneIn Radio.

Mark’s five least favorite Christmas song of all time #5

Once a day all week I’ll be releasing one of my least favorite Christmas songs. Today’s offering at #5 is Grandma got run over by a reindeer.  How this thing has over 600K hits on YouTube is beyond me.  Complete hick nonsense.  This is the type of stuff that Jeff Foxworthy wants you to think he listens to this time of year.  If you think Jeff Foxworthy listens to Elmo and Patsy you might be a moron…..

The forbidden fruit will be tasted…Yuengling arrives early March.

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Distribution rights have been awarded…we’ll all be tipping these Bad Larry’s for the start of March. Book it.

Now for all you craft beer tools coming out of the woodwork to shit on Yuengling…relax. Nobody is saying its Heady Topper. It’s merely a tasty bev, that Floridians (among many) and their refined palettes can buy in 1/2 barrels, and we’re stuck smuggling 12 packs from upstate New York meth-towns.

It’s about access. I still get as excited buying beer as I did when I was 21. So many flavors, so many colors. (Yes, I buy beer all the time based on packaging color. I actually still have the remnants of a Narragansett 18 pack in the fridge because I liked the vintage look of the case. It’s still there because it’s f’all beer.) That’s what makes this exciting. Going to the packie and buying Yuengling because you feel like it.

Some folks never know how good they have it….

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Lowell Sun

LOWELL — As Melissa Rich drove a van with three special-needs adults to their Billerica group home, prosecutors at her trial allege the Dracut woman was drunk, talking on a cellphone and driving erratically when she went off the road, hit mailboxes and a utility pole before crashing into a River Road home two years ago.

All the passengers were taken to an area hospital, and one of the passengers suffered a broken hip that required weeks of hospitalization and rehab, prosecutor Laura Miller told a Lowell District Court jury on Wednesday.

Rich, 23, is charged with operating under the influence causing serious injury, negligent operation of a motor vehicle, marked-lanes violation and speeding.

This story absolutely kills me.  Driving the special needs van is my dream retirement gig, ranking just above driving the Janus Rink zamboni.  Driving the neighborhoods of the Valley, sipping a large Dunk’s, listening to AM radio talk shows in an non-ironic way, and getting good folks to places they need to go.  What could be better? 

Melissa Rich isn’t being a good steward here.  She obviously lacks any sort of respect for the gig.  You won’t get that on my watch.  I’ll be as sober as a judge, and that van will always have a minimum four wheels touching pavement.  That’s a promise.

Bully KO’s Herself made my Day (YouTube Gold)

If you have a video of a bully getting KO’ed, please send it my way so I can post it.  I LOVE watching videos like that.  This chick decides she’s gonna sucker punch or in this case sucker grabthechickshairfrombehind and then proceeds to bullrush her and trip herself and then pull off the always tricky skull to car door then concrete combo.  Always a crowd pleaser. 

So I guess we just confirmed that Tewksbury may in fact be, God’s on-deck circle.

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Lowell Sun

LOWELL — With friends like this, who needs enemies?
That’s what a 20-year-old Tewksbury man should be asking himself after his attorney claims Patrick C. Taylor’s friends must have slipped him something, causing him to strip naked, display lewd behavior and repeatedly hitting himself in the head outside a Pinedale Avenue home early Sunday morning.
When Billerica police arrived at the address at 1:40 a.m. they found Taylor naked, his face and body covered in blood and dirt. He allegedly told officers he was God and threatened them with his wrath as he began to walk into the road.

I can’t decide what is more disappointing? God, resorting to the lame “I must have been drugged by friends” excuse, or the fact that he’s been living in Tewksbury this whole time and hasn’t restored Funland yet. (Where else can you hop in a whiffle ball batting cage and mash?) All kidding aside, his “to-do” list in Tewksbury should leave little time for naked rampages in Billerica. Besides, the “do you know who I am” line was never going to work in town that I believe is still predominantly pagan. Billericans don’t have time for worshiping higher beings that don’t yield an abundance of wild game, faster dirtbikes, or bigger snow plows.

PS. I always suspected that God was a white guy, but I guess this confirms it.