Lowell Sun

LOWELL — With friends like this, who needs enemies?
That’s what a 20-year-old Tewksbury man should be asking himself after his attorney claims Patrick C. Taylor’s friends must have slipped him something, causing him to strip naked, display lewd behavior and repeatedly hitting himself in the head outside a Pinedale Avenue home early Sunday morning.
When Billerica police arrived at the address at 1:40 a.m. they found Taylor naked, his face and body covered in blood and dirt. He allegedly told officers he was God and threatened them with his wrath as he began to walk into the road.

I can’t decide what is more disappointing? God, resorting to the lame “I must have been drugged by friends” excuse, or the fact that he’s been living in Tewksbury this whole time and hasn’t restored Funland yet. (Where else can you hop in a whiffle ball batting cage and mash?) All kidding aside, his “to-do” list in Tewksbury should leave little time for naked rampages in Billerica. Besides, the “do you know who I am” line was never going to work in town that I believe is still predominantly pagan. Billericans don’t have time for worshiping higher beings that don’t yield an abundance of wild game, faster dirtbikes, or bigger snow plows.

PS. I always suspected that God was a white guy, but I guess this confirms it.