Here’s your Mayoral playbook, Rodney.

What a time to stroll into the Mayor’s office. There’s a guy up in America’s Toque that’s defining greatness. You can walk the corridors of City Hall and point to our greatest gavel tappers, but none of them had Rob Ford to look to for inspiration.

The tenets of Rob’s approach are defined by the following…

Charisma.

Mayoral success begins and ends with charisma. If you can’t inspire the wallflowers and tame the extroverts, you’re dead. I’m not saying Rodney needs to smoke crack, he may want to start with an adult spirit and see how that feels first.

Selflessness.

It’s not enough these days to just be a great guy. You need to tell anyone who will listen. And you must be expansive. Leave no stone unturned, even if it’s declaring the quantities of cunnalingus that’s available to you. That’s obviously a level of detail that doesn’t pertain to Mayor Elliott, just an example. Besides, with the years of public service that Rodney has given us, whether or not he was of the…(clearing the throat)…of the “selfish” sort, we would’ve heard by now.

Unfettered.

You can’t let anyone, and I mean anyone stand in the way of serving your constituents. There’s no time for discretion. “Get out of my way!” We’ve seen the damage Mayor Elliott can inflict from a seated position, but the podium is a whole different league. Rodney may need to hit the weights.

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