Its an election day (in Lowell)…que the douchebaggery.

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Did you get your voting merit badge yet? Well when you do, please feel free to shell my social media feed with declarations and civic duty reminders. It’s the best part of election season. The “I voted” crowd coming out of the woodwork to claim their douche’ black-belts. I can’t stand it.

Voting really comes down to two things, motivation and free time. The former almost always dictates the latter. Suzy Suckass taking a hiatus from snap-posting pics of her Chilis’ caesar salad to tell you about “patriot duties” does not register.

Check out MY photo.

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Check out this photo from the candidates forum the other night? Pretty pathetic, huh. Looks like a crowd shot from a mid July Revolution game. Anyway, I had a pretty clever (in my mind, anyway) blog post raring to go that’s now irrelevant because I decided to take the time to ask permission to use the above photo. Never again….especially for f’all pictures like this. From now on, I’m declaring The Cabot a pirate ship when it comes internet photos and art. You want credit for your work, you need to hunt us down and ask beg for it. Arghhh!

SOFC Presents: Can I Be Frank?: Breaking Beantown Bandwagon

20130918-165305.jpgbandwagon (band-wag-on): noun

1. Suddenly giving a damn when a team gets good.

2. Liking a sports team only because they’re winning

3. When a person likes a trend, or sports team, just because it is getting more popular

(SOURCE: Urban Dictionary)

Not that you do not know what a bandwagon is, but that is the topic today, kids, and I want to be sure you are all hopping on this blog’s bandw….yuck…nevermind.

The bandwagon, for today’s purposes, will relate specifically to sports. More specifically, Boston sports.

Ah, the bandwagon. The bandwagon-effect is the true core of every sports fan, just the part no one will admit to existing. Well, I am coming clean today, people. But before I do, let me step back for a second.

Like most red-blooded New Englanders, I have always stood by our beloved Boston teams over the years. For most of my life (at least until the millennium) I have had to endure many, many grueling seasons of sports watching. Losing teams. Playoff heartbreak. You name, we lived through it. Pain like 1986 when both the Red Sox and Patriots reached the pinnacle of their respective games only to let us down in the end. Truthfully, I was a better fan in those days as a child than I am today.

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Back Yard Chicken Ordinance TKO’d


Lowell Sun

LOWELL — Proponents of the city allowing residents to keep chickens in their yards passionately made their case to city councilors Tuesday night, including one of the movement’s leaders telling councilors they could lose political supporters if they did not support letting residents own hens.

However, the City Council’s neighborhoods subcommittee — on which Councilors John Leahy, Marty Lorrey, and Rita Mercier sit — voted 3-0 to recommend that the full council end the pursuit and discussion of an ordinance change to allow the keeping of chickens, as well as other farm animals.

Mercifully, this annoying chicken issue finally ends. Now we can all get back to raising our back yard chickens in peace without having to worry about what the City Council or a few hens in Centraville think about all the fun.

Lorrey said one reason for his opposition was that as he has knocked on more than 2,000 doors as part of his re-election campaign, residents have been opposed to the city allowing the keeping of chickens by a wide margin.

Marty Lorrey had to knock on over 2,000 doors to reach this conclusion? I won’t call bullshit on that one, I’m just going to imagine what it would be like if he did that for every big council decision?

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Tyngsboro vs God, Part LXIV

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Lowell Sun

TYNGSBORO — When clients show up for a class with Tracy Elston, a Chelmsford native, they first take off their shoes, and then their rings.
In a small room with a wall-to-wall mirror, bright-green paint on the walls and a pink boa hanging delicately in a corner, they next approach one of seven metal poles in the center of the room, and grab hold.
Elston says there’s nothing wrong with “pole fitness,” though it can carry a stigma because of its likeness to activities in, for example, gentlemen’s clubs. Even though the certified personal trainer says her clients have fun and there’s nothing sexual about the workouts, she will close the curtain over the windows, just to put the room at ease.

It’s a story that’s almost as old as time. A story of a little hamlet on the banks of the Merrimack and their four century resistance of God’s will to showcase poles there. From the great Colonel Jonathan Tyng, and his distaste for Pennacook totem poles, to modern day town selectmen denying Destiny & Choc-o-lát the opportunity to tempt gravity in 12 inch stripper heels.

I’m not the most religious chap, but even I can see what’s happening here. God is always one step ahead in this grand chess match. You deny him Destiny & Choc-o-lát, and he answers with Pole Fitness, eventually turning every chick in town INTO Destiny and Choc-o-lát. Well played, God.

“Even though the certified personal trainer says her clients have fun and there’s nothing sexual about the workouts, she will close the curtain over the windows, just to put the room at ease.”

“I think there’s a little bit of an interest,” she said, adding quickly “It’s not dirty…”

You can’t hate on Tracy Elston’s passion for pole dancing, but I think its up to us to decide what is and isn’t sexy. You’re probably going to have to do more than the removal of the stripper glitter and the $10 cover charge. Better keep that curtain up.

Geeky Chair Mat: NHL ’94

If this isn’t under my tree this year, I’m disowning Santa, reindeer, friends, relatives, wives and kids. And just in case you were wondering, aka “should” be wondering…I want Steve Larmer.

(Note to my wife…Steve Larmer is 28 R. Love you, hun.)

Dave's Geeky Ideas

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There are really no geeky chair mats available right now (I can’t find any), but if I had my way there would be one based on the star player icon from NHL ’94. This could also apply to other 16-bit sport series made by EA back in the day, like Madden or Bulls Vs. Lakers.

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Bringing in the Grant Pros.


Lowell Sun

LOWELL — A privately funded grant writer will work on behalf of the Lowell School Department this year, and advocates for creating the position said it will create new opportunities for the city’s students.

Director of Grants and Partnership Development Susan Linn will be introduced to the School Committee at Wednesday’s meeting.

“I think of Lowell as a community that’s on its way over a cliff,”
Linn said. “There’s not that much that’s going to be required to go over that cliff to a place that’s really fantastic.”

Did our newly hired, grant writing wordsmith just turn“a community that’s on its way over a cliff” into a positive statement? Yup! Did we just become best friends? Yup! Talk about letting everyone know why you’re making the big bucks.