SOFC presents: Can I Be Frank?: The 10 People that Occupy Facebook

20130905-075328.jpgHi Sad Sack!

Facebook is the largest online social network.

In 2008 Facebook had 100 million users and as of March 2013 has 1.11 Billion.

Facebook filed for a $5 billion IPO on February 1st 2012 and valued the company at $104 billion.

(Source: Statisticbrain.com)

Facebook is a juggernaut. Except for genesis of the internet itself, it is arguably the most powerful and influential invention of this millennium. A billion users. A BILLION! That is 1/7 of the WORLD’s POPULATION. Very impressive, Lord Zuckerberg. Very impressive.

Now that you have some baseline information about Facebook, I want to encapsulate the entire experience.

The fact of the matter is that more than half of the United States in on Facebook; back out babies and geriatrics and the actual percentage of eligible users are staggering. But this lesson is not about the stats of Facebook and why is it so great. If I am being totally frank (ha,ha) I think Facebook is a bit, well, played. It seems to have reached a bit of a ‘been there, done that’ phase of existence. However, I am confident it is hard to find more than a handful of people that are not regulars on the Book.

And so, to you 1 billion brainwashed drones of Facebook, you are more than likely one of these 10 people.

10. The Statesman

The Statesman is the person that will make Facebook their personal Squawk Box to rattle off their meaningless and un-influential thoughts on all things politics and government. The Statesman is typically a hard ‘lefty’ or ‘righty’ and is seeking the world’s (or at least their 268 Facebook ‘friends’) to agree with their viewpoint and spread the word to the masses. Do us a favor; just yell at your TV instead. Thanks.

9. The Foodie

No, I do not mean Rachel Ray, Bobby Flay of that KKK Grand Wizard Paula Dean. The Foodie can be anyone who likes to cook and wants you to know. Most dominant in The Foodie’s Facebook behavior is the constant photo sharing of their latest creation. Sure, sometimes I must admit, your dish looks delish but…well, I don’t really care that you made an American flag out of fruit and marshmallows. Just eat it.

8. The Navigator

Hey look, is that Magellan posting his geographic wisdom for us to learn from? Never mind, it is Sam from Sales letting us all know he is at Logan Airport. Hey Sammy, get on the plane and shut off the iPhone. The Navigator has a compulsion to let the world know exactly where they are at any given time. Listen, if you “check in” from the hospital where you are about to give birth or maybe even some cool vacation, I will give you a pass, but trust me when I tell you that absolutely NO ONE cares that you are at Starbucks or Target.

7. The Bragger

The Bragger is the older brother of The Navigator and is far more annoying. The Bragger is the person who loves to remind everyone how awesome his/her life is. These Facebook phonies are often found letting you know they are at some extravagant restaurant, resort or destination. The Bragger is a big fan of sharing photos of their $86 steak, the 200 lb. Bluefish they caught on the ‘SS Suck It’ or the 18th hole at Pebble Beach where they just finished a Pro-Am with Arnold freakin Palmer. Hey chief, good for you but next time just call your wife or text best boy because the rest of us really don’t give a flying…..

6. The Stalker

One of my very favorite breeds, The Stalker is more thankful for the advent of Facebook than anyone else because they get to do exactly what they want; check out objects of their desire without the fear of being caught through the glass of that person’s bedroom window. While The Stalker tends to be a male, I will not pigeon hole this predator to just men; women can be equally creepy. Most of The Stalker’s activity is harmless but if you start getting unsolicited private messages from a guy or gal you hardly know, refill the Mace spray and deadbolt the front door. You have been warned.

5. The Prophet

Ah, The Prophet. An interesting species in the Facebook family. The Prophet loves to share their deeply philosophical and frequently religious points of view. Prophets love to share quotes by the Bible to Buddha. Furthermore, The Prophet is usually very musically spiritual. Plan on seeing lot of shared tunes from the likes of other “Prophets” like Phish, The Allman Brothers, Bob Marley, Jim Morrison and of course, The Grateful Dead. Now that I think about it, hard to tell a Prophet from just some stoned dude.

4. The Sideliner

The Sideliner is kind of like that kid that just wants to dip his feet in the pool but is scared to jump in even though that is what he really wants to do. The Sideliner is the Facebook user that is always good for a “Like”, “Comment” or “Share” but almost never shares an individual thought. Nothing wrong with being a Sideliner but as they say, you can’t get a little pregnant. Just jump already.

3. The Super Mom

Oh, The Super Mom. A very strong unit within the Facebook Army. Super Moms are plentiful and equally annoying. The Super Mom shares everything about their kids. Everything.

Jenny got the lead in the school play!

Jimmy’s first at bat photo.

Jared wears women’s clothes.

Above and beyond that, The Super Mom has taken 50000000 photos of their kids and put every single one of them up on FB. Enough already. Kids are cute, of course! An occasional special photo or shout out about the cherubs’ accomplishments is great, but please don’t flood the world with Danielle’s Dance Recital video or Pete’s Pinewood Derby pics. Try to control yourself. Please

2. The Sad Sack

Love The Sad Sack. The cryptic, depressed and starved-for-attention Sad Sack. The epitome of the Sad Sack is to gain praise and pep talks from the entire Facebook world. Sad Sacks are always nebulous with their self-involved posts,

“Sometimes family is all you have,”

“Saying Prayers,”

“When will this be over?”

Yada, yada yada. Save it. The only reason you posted that comment is for reinforced feedback. Spit out what you actually mean, phone a friend or get a dog. Either way I don’t care, and neither do the other 877 people that just read this. Oh did I mention The Sad Sack always has the largest amount of Facebook friends. Hmmm?

1. The Creeper

At last but certainly not least, The Creeper. While not the most interesting category of Facebooker, The Creeper is probably the largest demographic. The Creeper absolutely lives and breathes the Book but never ever gets engaged. The Creeper has the most fun of all FB’ers because they are just peeping in to your little world while you forgot they were even there. I applaud The Creepers, but just remember you are just one accidental click away from becoming a Stalker. Beware.

In closing, have fun with Facebook. That is what it is there for. Just be careful which category you fall in to? Yeah you Weirdo!

Guest Blogger Frank McCabe can be heard every Friday on 980 WCAP AM Radio. For anyone under the age of 70, run to your nearest Iphone and download TuneIn Radio.

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3 thoughts on “SOFC presents: Can I Be Frank?: The 10 People that Occupy Facebook

  1. You’re missing 11-“the cross-fitter.” Not quite in the bragger category, but if you follow them, you better be super pumped about tomorrow’s WOD.

  2. 12. Shit-Talker

    The guy that curated a collection of Facebook friends based on the opportunity to talk shit the minute your team loses a game. It doesn’t matter if its the Super Bowl or a Tuesday night game in November against the Florida Panthers….he’s going to let you know it. You get a lot of “tee time” and “rebuilding year” jokes on a loop from this guy.

  3. It should be 10 reasons to turn off Facebook.

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