Monthly Archives: August 2013

08.30.13
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What are Lowellian’s selling on Craigslist today?

20130830-164912.jpgSize 6 cheetah high wedges with spikes on the back! Mint!!! Email me if your Intrested for pictures!

    Location: Lowell
    it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

First of all, if we’re really talking about authentic mint condition cheetah wedges for under a hundred bucks, you need way more exclamation points than just three. You can’t just walk into a store and land yourself cheetah wedges at such an affordable price. My knowledge of the exotic fir market is a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure Cheetahs are still endangered.

You also have to consider the seller. There’s obvious pride of ownership here, because you don’t buy cheetah wedges to just sit on the shelves of your decadent walk-in closet. Everyone knows that cheetah wedges are the heavy lifters of “going out” shoes. Wall flowers don’t wear cheetah wedges.

I see low “school teacher” mileage at an amazing price. The question isn’t whether you need these cheetah wedges, it’s what and where are you going to wear them to?

08.30.13
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Where are all my Paleo people at?

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I would hate to abuse this forum for self serving purposes. But it seems my Facebook feed has a dearth of friends that are willing share their really interesting Paleo diet experiences. If you’ve successfully created pancakes merging foraged acorns, cashews, and beef jerky…please walk run to Facebook and drop me a friend request.

Honestly. I want to be your friend. I will totally ignore that you’ve been a lazy, jiggly piece of shit for 30 years because your last 3 months of munching nuts and bacon is impossibly interesting. I doubt cavemen took the time to Instagram pictures of meals they cobbled together, but they weren’t as awesome as you are! Please consider being my Facebook friend. I will reciprocate with all the “likes” you can handle and will even throw in an occasional “you rock.” Let’s make this happen.

08.30.13
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Oh, the horror!

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Lowell Sun

LOWELL — The city’s chicken lady is all cooped up.

Rachel Chandler, one of the leaders of the push for the city to allow backyard chickens, has been illegally keeping hens on her property.

The city’s Animal Control department recently issued a notice of violation to Chandler’s husband, Richard Stec, for the keeping of chickens at their home on Lawrence Street in the city’s Back Central neighborhood.

According to a Lowell police-incident report, animal-control-compliance officer Darleen Wood visited the property Aug. 14.

“All cooped up?” What a doozie. Make no mistake about it, our friends down at the Sun wanted to make sure you got your 75 cents worth this week. Just in case you weren’t floored by the STUNNING scenario that someone championing backyard chickens at City Hall might actually have few chickaroos roaming their property, the Sun staff goes for the kill with “All Cooped up.” “Running a fowl” had to be a finalist, no?

More importantly, Rachel Chandler and her husband are obviously fans of the Cabot, and enjoyed Mark and Tobes’ emails regarding Lowell Chickens. Practically copied the entire play book. And if you’re keeping track at home, that puts our blog readership at about 6, if you count Mark’s wife. Don’t tell our friend over at LiL but Revolutions have started with less.

Pic ganked from Rick Holland via My Lost Bardo

08.29.13
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Robin of Locksley he isn’t.

BELLINGHAM – A Bellingham man wrapped a baggie of marijuana around an arrow and fired it at the second-floor recreation area of Whatcom County Jail on Tuesday morning, Aug. 27, according to the sheriff’s office.David Wayne Jordan, 36, later claimed he had been aiming at a squirrel.”He had no explanation as to why squirrel hunting requires attaching marijuana to an arrow,” said Whatcom County Sheriff Bill Elfo.A civilian employed by the sheriff’s office saw Jordan get out of his red Ford pickup at 8:40 a.m. on the south side of the jail, 311 Grand Ave., with a hunting bow and arrow. He fired the marijuana missile upward toward a mesh screen near the top of the second-floor, fresh-air exercise area for inmates, Elfo said. If fired at a perfect angle, the sheriff added, an arrow might squeeze through the screen.

Full article here: http://www.bellinghamherald.com/2013/08/28/3172988/sheriff-man-shoots-arrow-wrapped.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter#storylink=cpy

Squirrel hunting eh?  Is that what the cool kids are calling it these days?  The only thing worse than “I wuz jus’ huntin’ tree rats, honest I wuz” by this dope was Costner’s horrible accent that dissapeared halfway through the movie.

08.27.13
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The employee handbook at the Vatican may need to be expanded…again.

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Lowell Sun

LOWELL — When officers watched as a black Chevrolet Equinox passed through known prostitution spots in the city more than a dozen times since late November, it wasn’t just another john they were seeing.
With the title of monsignor, Coyle is outranked in the archdiocese only by the cardinal and six bishops, according to the website Catholic-Hierarchy. And as an episcopal vicar, he has the authority to act on behalf of the bishop, or head of a diocese or archdiocese, and deals often with personnel issues.
Coyle was “kind of the man between the bishop and the priests,” Reese said. The position, he added, comes with as much or as little power as the bishop chooses to give.

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I gotta tell ya, I’d have to plead ignorance on this. Had anyone said anything at at all when I first started here that this type of thing was frowned upon….
Because I’ve worked at a lot of offices and people do that all the time.

08.26.13
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In other news, it took 30 years for the media to unearth the most obvious secret on earth.

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Did Bobby Riggs intentionally lose the famous “Battle of the Sexes’’ tennis match in 1973 against Billie Jean King?

A report on Sunday by ESPN’s “Outside the Lines” speculates that Riggs, who died in 1995, may have thrown the match in order to repay a reported $100,000 gambling debt to the mafia. The report cites a conversation allegedly overheard by an assistant golf instructor in the pro shop at a course in Tampa in the early 1970s that featured several mafia figures discussing how Riggs would set up the fix for a match with King.

Of course Bobby Riggs threw the match against Billy Jean King. I always thought that was known? I think the more outrageous tidbit in this story was the Vegas actually had a line on it? It was probably right in the wheel house of the same losers that bet on preseason football.

Look, I’m a feminist. I believe what makes this country great is our deep talent pool. More importantly, creation of more dual income households is good for business. If this sham was really the shot in the arm that the women’s equality movement needed, than amen for that. But if you really believe that a touring men’s pro lost to BJK, you need to see a doctor about getting your extra chromosome removed.

In Men’s vs Women’s professional sports, the gulf in Tennis is probably the largest. (Note: Parallel Parking is not a sport.). Speed, Spin, and Power is unparalleled in the men’s game. Billy Jean would need Venus & Serena’s chemist and one of those Michael Chang Penn racquets to even hope to return a serve.

08.24.13
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Village Smokehouse blames Lowell for serving the youth.

This is barbecue:

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This is barbecue in Lowell:

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Lowell Sun
LOWELL — The License Commission Thursday suspended the alcoholic-beverage license of The Village Smokehouse for 21 days for serving alcohol to a minor and for the presence of drug residue found in the basement of the Middle Street establishment by police during an April 25 compliance check.

Hey Village Smokehouse, Do you hear that? That’s the sound of Smokey Bones asking if you if know where your jock is? Serving under-agers Whiskey Sours to balance the books doesn’t mean there’s holes in your protocol, it means your Barbecue sucks. It has since day one. Feel free to blame the economy. By all means, tell your friends that “downtown Lowell sucks,” if that makes you feel better. But we’ll know the truth…your Barbecue is shit and Evo’s was better.

08.23.13
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“If you were my wife, I’d take you down a peg or two.”

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“No blogs this week?” Well, sorry. I sold my Belvy Manse and in the process caught my wife trying to throw out my Super Troopers DVD. Needless to say, I threw down on the spot…

Me: Did you throw out my SuperTroopers DVD, meow?
Mrs T: What?
Me: Meow, don’t pretend like you didn’t intentionally throw out my Super Troopers DVD.
Mrs T: Did you say “Meow?”
Me: “Do I look like a cat to you girl? Am I jumpin’ around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?

After three straight days of calling her “Unit 91” I think she’s learned her lesson. Lucky for her I’m not the type of guy that orders litre’s of Cola and punch-a-size faces for free.