Back Off in #Haiku. July 27th-August 1st, 2015

Haiku

Backtalk

Monday

George and his bucket.
Voted against improvements.
Hypocrite vandal.

Tax man gets letters.
Too many to sign receipts.
Not sure they got mine.

Brown’s versus Markey’s.
A war we’ll never see end.
Both sides are valid.

Olympics now gone.
More money for an old bridge.
We’ve gotten to it.

Tuesday

Monuments are nice.
But not really practical.
Business should come first.

Issue was addressed.
Though he skipped normal process.
Reward work ethic.

Speed limits vary.
Regardless of road issues.
Speeders pay no heed.

Anonymous calls.
Sometimes you spot who they are.
Agendas are known.

Wednesday

Olympic failure.
Hacks looking to stay busy.
Who will pay Deval?

Crowdfunder for George.
Help to pay the fines he got.
And buy him more paint.

Official neglect.
Brought to light by one man’s act.
Their response backfires.

Baseball fields empty.
Kids all inside with gadgets.
Stale air gives no life.

Granddaughter’s neclace.
Left behind in waiting room.
Thieves are all heartless.

Thursday

Olympics now gone.
Our tradition will remain.
Fix the bridge yearly.

George distorted truth.
Center would be done by now.
Throw him out of town.

Folk Fest home viewing.
Wasn’t quite as good this year.
Had to go watch live.

Give unused sick time.
Big bonus at end of year.
No carry overs.

Got mail receipt back.
Taxman always reads his mail.
Postman lied to you.

Those guys lie a lot.
Don’t trust either him or her.
Only trust Donald.

Friday

Pipeline meeting planned.
Monday at Dracut Senior’s.
All are invited.

Young Methuen cop.
Saluted procession.
Very respectful.

Parking cost was high.
Fifteen dollars during fest.
Those greedy bastards.

Boards remain open.
Nobody wants the headaches.
Just the benefits.

Bad calls hurt teachers.
No protection made for them.
Jobs have gone away.

Trying to cross street.
Cars zoom by without a thought.
Drivers are the worst.

Sound Off

Monday

Trump’s a Roosevelt.
Speaks his mind with balls of steel.
What this country needs.

Jail’s for the lazy.
How else to explain dumb crooks?
They want to get caught.

You got the wrong bird.
Canaries aren’t parakeets.
The beaks are pointy.

Pedro Martinez.
Once beat up an older guy.
Jeter was better.

Big “No Swimming” sign.
Needed to discourage swimmers.
Hooks get stuck in trunks.

Kindergarten funds.
Cut to pay for big parties.
Leprechauns were fired.

Tuesday

Trump speaks only truth.
That is the source of his strength.
Don’t trust Obama.

Construction is loud.
Work begins in early morn.
I’m still hungover.

Trump was no Teddy.
Roosevelt was a good man.
Trump lacks refinement.

No sanctuary.
Illegal means illegal.
Fill out your papers.

Pedro Martinez.
Once beat up a crazed old man.
Jeter was better.

Brady should give up.
Take punishment like a man.
He’s no Donald Trump.

Bad drivers surround us.
You see them in ev’ry town.
Laws should be enforced.

Olympics not good.
We were right to reject them.
We weren’t gonna win.

Big left wing pipe dream.
But the right stood up this time.
Olympics are bad.

Reagan sold us out.
Don’t call him a patriot.
Shady ass mofo.

Selling baby parts.
How can you justify that?
Don’t call me crazy.

Truckers get louder.
Complaints to city ignored.
Worse that kids racing.

They’re all criminals.
Just by being on this land.
Arrest or deport.

Norwegian Golf Course Mystery Pooper…the blog that writes itself.

Mystery Pooper

Source

For the last decade, a man has been coming to a golf course in Norway in the mornings, dropping trou and pooping in the cups.

That sentence should invite a lot of questions.

Stavanger Golf Club has been dealing with the mystery pooper since 2005, and the club’s staff is convinced a man is behind the fecal graffiti for a simple reason.

“We know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman,” said groundskeeper Kenneth Tennfjord, who added that the man in question often leaves toilet paper to go along with the turds, according to the Rogalands Avis paper.

The person in question only poops in the cups on weekdays, never showing up on weekends. Presumably, he has better things to do then. The guy apparently used to bike to the parts of the course where he would do his business, with grounds staff noticing wheels marks in the dew, followed by foot prints to the cup.

At one point, the club thought putting flood flights around the mystery pooper’s favorite target would stop him. Wrong. The guy just found a way to turn off the lights and poop in the dark.

I can’t speak to the customs and golfing traditions of the country of Norway as I’ve never been there nor have I shared a beer with any real life Norwegians, let alone Norwegian golfers (or Norwegian poopers for that matter).  Yes, the idea of hovering in gimme range and dropping your cargo in the cup seems strange to me.  But what kind of guy would I be to judge another man for being particular about his bowel rituals.  Aren’t we all? Sure, not everyone would want to complicate the matter with pin placements and break, but to each his own.  As I understand it, there are 3 internationally recognized tenets of being a successful man: make money, get laid, and last but most importantly, get regular. More power to you if you can take care of all three at the golf course.

Btw, honorable mention here goes to the Norwegian investigators and their decade long manhunt:

“Whelp, it’s a big dump so it can’t be a women.”

“It can’t be Tiger Woods as he wouldn’t go the bathroom on the green unless there was a whore lying there. Definitely didn’t see any whore footprints.”

“Doesn’t come around on weekends…must be a family man, trying to avoid 6 hour rounds on the weekends.”

“The presence of toilet paper rules out all Mt Pleasant members.”

Splendid effort, fellas.

The future of Bicycle Advocacy. #bikecity

Don’t be confused by the language, as this isn’t actually in Lowell.  The tell is the pristinely painted bicycle lane and the vehicle itself isn’t a massive Tahoe with a “Re-elect Mayor Elliott sticker” on it.  But that’s neither here nor there, because what we’re watching here is the future of bicycle advocacy.  Brute force.  This gentleman will not only single handedly improve the cycling experience for his community, but no longer will the stereo type of cyclists be one of ill-fitting outfits, and a build that requires all altercations be settled through tersely worded, anonymous notes left on peoples cars.  Wherever this guy is, we need to hunt him down and make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Back Off in #Haiku. July 20-25th, 2015

image

[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a couple of newspaper in northeast Massachusetts, USA. The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been.

Also… I’ve been doing this for a year now. I know because next to me is a cinder block wall with little chalk markings. Five markings. Seven markings. Five markings. Over and over again. If I were a wrestler I would steal Rey Mysterio’s finishing move and rename it the 575. Someday I’ll move to New Mexico. Guess what their area code is. Maybe someday I’ll have children. A big family. Five girls. Seven boys. Five dogs. For now though I’m just going to relax. I’ll try to enjoy the Lowell Folk Festival (Five klezmer bands. Seven gospel bands. Five zydeco bands].

Sound Off

Monday

“Think before you speak.”
A concept unknown to Trump.
Rev brain before mouth.

Iran Contra deal.
Can’t blame Obama for that.
But you’ll prob’ly try.

Fake grassroots support.
Tries to sell us on cheap fuel costs.
Product exported.

Need more cameras.
Use them to catch litterers.
Big Brother’s room’s messy.

Haverhill’s a big city.
Can be hard to keep it clean.
Crack down on litter.

Casinos are watched.
Ev’ry inch strongly guarded.
Money won’t escape.

Boston casinos.
New Hampshire plates in the lot.
Why we need to build.

Tuesday

Sewer rate increase.
An annual occurrence.
Leaders should be dropped.

One big distraction.
Please step down when indicted.
Common procedure.

Wars are not a plot.
These people want to kill us.
Life is expensive.

Small town casino.
Couple thousand slot machines.
Nothing too fancy.

Blood on their hands.
For all who want Iran deal.
We lose ev’rything.

Wednesday

No sanctuary.
Immigrants are dangerous.
Too many victims.

Trump’s service record.
Got a student deferment.
Don’t think he learned much.

Space exploration.
Costs billions for Pluto pics.
Cancer’s still a thing.

Comic made a joke.
Said something like what Trump said.
Don’t vote for Chris Rock.

Small baby pipeline.
It won’t hurt anybody.
Coochy coochy coo.

Carbon monoxide.
You might want to learn about that.
Ventilation helps.

Thursday

Republicans failed.
Obama did ev’rything.
That’s why we need Trump.

Don’t talk to the guy.
Keep Trump out of all debates.
Hell with that scumbag.

We want honesty.
Even if it’s from a nut.
Candidates should learn.

Don’t raise minimum.
Go after deadbeat fathers.
Jail ’em till they pay.

No sanctuary.
Get deportations caught up.
Too many felons.

Electric bill down.
Now they want to make changes.
Don’t touch a damn thing.

Friday

Gas grill burned a house.
The Chief should educate folks:
Check your connections.

Root problem is cost.
Insurance just makes things worse.
Prices are crazy.

No sanctuary.
Take away their licenses.
Drive them out of town.

“Death to USA.”
Why are we dealing with him?
At least he’s honest.

Nepotistic cops.
Thought we had laws against that.
Who will enforce it?

Manager resigned.
“Private sector pays better.”
They didn’t want him.

Swapping addictions.
Vaping replaces smoking.
Better off stopping.

Saturday

Quran says shed blood.
Muslim leaders stay quiet.
Nature of their faith.

Trump is an asshole.
I agree with him a lot.
But he shouldn’t run.

Trophy wife t-shirt.
Target won’t carry that one.
Girls hate comedy.

Trump speaks the truth.
Nobody else has the balls.
McCain’s a pussy.

Planning board corrupt.
Bend like pretzels for builders.
Won’t return my calls.

Backtalk

Monday

Gov’s buds got a raise.
Minimum wage remains low.
Think I’ve heard this one.

Trump knows what to do.
Send the illegals back home.
They don’t belong here.

No black officers?
I know it’s a small city.
But can we fix that?

North shore casino.
Mayor micromanaging.
Just let them build it.

Where the house burned down.
Let’s turn it into a park.
Plant a few flowers.

The Prez on vacay.
He’s almost as bad as Bush.
Tell him to stay there.

Loser overpaid.
Common sense remains absent.
Disgust strongly felt.

Wednesday

Increase minimum.
Happy workers work harder.
No one will close shop.

Methadone mothers.
Blocked from clinic after fight.
They still need treatment.

Identity thieves.
Millions of our people hacked.
They want to be us.

Thursday

They’re laughing at us.
All over these six fine states.
Take your paint and leave.

Paying folks to quit.
After they screw up big time.
I can do that job.

Aramark composts.
Cooked food can’t be donated.
Violates health codes.

Right wing policies.
Too much in common with Greece.
How are they doing?

The Klan likes bed sheets.
Are we banning those now too?
Wahhh wahhh sniff sniff wahhhhhhh.

Balance the budget.
Budgets need to be balanced.
I’d like it balanced.

Friday

Not a good painter.
Didn’t use right kind of paint.
They make a street paint.

Painter guy should move.
Our town needs some landscaping.
George, come to Dracut.

Help is illegal?
Donated work and supplies.
Things weren’t getting done.

Trials are costly.
Let that lady pay for it.
Watch it disappear.

No sanctuary.
Illegals are illegal.
And no cake for gays.

Saturday

No fights in clinics.
Seems pretty reasonable.
Help was rejected.

Start with the sidewalks.
Then worry about rail trails.
Safety should come first.

I don’t like those guys.
Resumes overstated.
Just a couple hacks.

Back Off in #Haiku. July 13th-20th, 2015

image

[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a couple of newspaper in northeast Massachusetts, USA. The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been].

Backtalk:

7/13/2015

Wasteful Aramark.
Throwing away leftovers.
I’ll take some of that.

Taxes increasing.
Selectman says we’re stronger.
My stomach weakens.

Day after The 4th.
Red Solo cups ev’rywhere.
Drunkards have no pride.

Clothing for students.
Distribution could improve.
Closets are all full.

Where should I donate?
Info not in article.
Google this you jerk.

Cops now shoot to kill.
Even against kids with toys.
Slopes are slippery.

Big Papi Ortiz
All he ever does is whine.
More like Big Baby.

Please drop Aramark.
Why should we babysit them?
Show some discipline.

Fake IRS calls.
Harassing me day and night.
Caller ID helps.

7/15/2015

Big cars in projects.
How can they afford those things.
See it ev’ry day.

Festival parking.
Will the meters be enforced?
Folks will hate that shit.

False transparency.
Won’t let me make random calls.
’cause I “don’t know names.”

Callers still calling.
Block only blocks thirty of them.
Robots have no souls.

‘T’ is for ‘taxes.’
That’s not good enough for me.
Monsters should keep out.

We need abortions.
Also lethal injections.
I really hate kids.

July 18th

Rain falls on math books.
Lights flicker as tiles crumble.
A roof needs repair.

Give gum to squirrels.
They get upset and move on.
A yard is peaceful.

Orange flag should stay.
Reminder of the fallen.
They were brave traitors.

Site of deadly fire.
Leave it as a vacant lot.
Let them rest in peace.

Hands should stay on wheel.
Texters are worse than drunkards.
Our state falls behind.

Pedestrians failed.
Crossing streets without looking.
Don’t harass drivers.

Sound Off

Monday

Civil action suit.
Just another big phone scam.
Won’t give their info.

Orange flag came down.
I guess racism is gone.
I’m gonna get bored.

The flag didn’t kill.
So stop hurting it’s feelings.
There there little flag…

Be fair to people.
Judge each on their own actions.
Families argue.

Teacher contract fight.
They’ll win eventually.
Just bend over now.

Don’t blame the last guy.
Been hearing that for eight years.
Or maybe sixteen.

Cops did what they could.
But it’s Lawrence on The 4th.
People are morons.

Tuesday

Small town lost power.
Car hit a telephone pole.
Old folks missed their shows.

Crooked officials.
Only exist in our town.
Break out the pitchforks.

Your mess will kill us.
Not to mention it’s ugly.
The whole world scares me.

Kids might steal shovels.
Hit folks with Garden Weasels.
We see ev’rything.

Dangerous eyesores.
Laws should protect us from you.
You clearly need help.

No recovery.
Such things make themselves known.
This one is hiding.

Dems first raised that flag.
Hated Civil Rights movement.
Just like I still do.

Roads are improving.
Losing things to bitch about.
Feelings confuse me.

Bad time to cut troops.
More enemies than ever.
Bad calls have been made.

Wednesday

Rose is a scumbag.
Doesn’t belong in The Hall.
That place is sacred.

Teachers came up short.
Small raises over right years.
Not breaking the bank.

Hang your silly flag.
Just not on public buildings.
Even Jeb knows that.

Casinos bring crime.
Give nothing back in return.
Better luck next time.

Your party’s corrupt.
Stop pointing fingers this way.
Our crook’s a good guy.

Thursday

You are not oppressed.
Gays now have equality.
That means they’re equal.

They had chemicals.
The UN reports proved that.
Those kill large masses.

Dumb constitution.
Giving scum free legal help.
We’re paying for that.

Slow down garbage trucks.
Their accidents are the worst.
College would solve that.

“Bring your son to work.
And give his dumb ass a job.”
-Methuen PD

We The People pay.
To defend Bulger and worse.
Lawyers love this scam.

Friday

People rescued shark.
My hat goes off to them all.
Seals are ungrateful.

Try to stay on topic.
We know you hate Obama.
But litter is bad.

Blame the KKK.
The flag should keep on flying.
Can’t change history.

They should all feel shame.
The guy won’t even step down.
A town embarrassed.

Not against their pay.
Just think process takes too long.
Stop dragging things out.

Saturday

Crime overstated.
Casinos would bring sunshine.
Not tattoo parlors.

Remains innocent.
Proof of guilt not provided.
Put away your robe.

Let them fight their wars.
Don’t give them our resources.
Stop the war racket.

Obama dodges.
Ignores military’s thoughts.
Handpicks reporters.

Sewer and water.
Rates increasing yet again.
Nothing is maintained.

 

 

Because you asked, “When is being found naked in your neighbors pig pen frowned upon?”

pig

(Source)  MILLERSVILLE, Pa. — Police have charged a man with trespassing, public drunkenness and indecent exposure after he was caught on a neighbor’s Pennsylvania farm in the nude, drinking beer among pigs.

Police in Manor Township, Lancaster County, say 64-year-old Larry Henry told them, “I just like pigs,” when they found him in the hog barn June 26 about 10:15 p.m.

Henry faces a preliminary hearing Aug. 4. His defense attorney didn’t immediately return a call for comment Wednesday.

Arrest papers show Henry had been banned from the farm since he got caught trespassing four years ago.

Police say Henry smelled of alcohol and acknowledged drinking a six-pack of beer while hanging out with the hogs.

Police say the brand of beer was in keeping with the overall theme. Henry was drinking Hamm’s.

“I just love Pigs.”

While admittedly it’s been a while since I graduated finishing school, but I’m pretty sure the mid-Pennsylvanian social miscue here is that it’s perfectly acceptable to be found naked, pounding Hamms in the middle of a pig pen…provided it’s YOUR pig pen, and YOUR pigs.  “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s pigs”…or something like that.  At the very least, you should ring the neighbor’s doorbell, introduce yourself, and let him know that you’re an honest, respectful person who will do right by his pigs.  Just walking in with bargain beer and gearing down is not sending the right message.

PS…considered going with the “Who doesn’t have a buddy that loves taking home pigs” blog but the one buddy I had in mind is now happily married.  Given how widely disseminated this publication is, I didn’t want his wife doing the “Dan’s buddy who likes pigs?” math.  (his name may or may not rhyme with “Spruce.”)