Back Off in #Haiku. August 23-29th, 2015

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Backtalk

Monday

DCF knows best.
That’s why you don’t have your kids.
You’re not an expert.
 
Stop breaking the laws.
There is no special treatment.
Unless you’re wealthy.

More bike lanes coming.
In a place with lots of bikes.
We don’t need that shit.

The Sun won’t print this.
I double dog dare them to:
Trump is a racist.

Islands owned by state.
City can’t mow them at all.
Leave them out of it.

Selfish suicides.
Live for the guilt and pressure.
Or they’ll all hate you.

Tuesday

Sleazy casinos.
Nothing but ugly headaches.
Rejection was wise.

Lovely article.
Talking about antique ceilings.
Give tour guide credit.

Teach your kids cursive.
Or they can’t sign a mortgage.
Not that they’ll want to.

Selectmen did fine.
Stood up for the taxpayers.
That’s all we wanted.

Two-way street system.
Time has proven its success.
Major improvement.

Wednesday

Don’t like how they play?.
Tell kids they stink eye-to-eye.
Don’t be a pussy.
 
French train being watched.
Three countries and no action.
Did they change channels?

Lottery winnings.
Guaranteed with a town job.
All you do is quit.

Corrupt school system.
Abilities don’t matter.
Just connections count.

License suspensions.
People ignore and still drive.
Take their cars away.

Friday

DPW.
Driver threw trash out window.
He must love this town.
 
Hope Hillary wins.
It’d be fun to scare the right.
They’re too paranoid.

Biden and Warren.
Considering entering.
Improves Trump’s chances.

Voting for Donald.
He’s not a politician.
Even though he’s running.

Polish cemetery.
Lawn is looking fantastic.
Much appreciated.

New Wamesit lanes.
I’d like to see some duckpins.
It just needs duckpins.

We need more bowling.
Glad the lanes are being built.
The signs look awesome.

DCF knows best.
That’s why you don’t have your kids.
You’re not an expert.

Farmer’s almanac.
Predicting massive snow storms.
That sonovabitch.

Obama got in.
He’s less qualified than Trump.
Trump calls folks stupid.

Trees are all missing.
From Belvidere to Acre.
Plantings should happen.

Stop sign proved useful.
People actually stop now.
That might save a life.

Doggy ambulance.
Westford Emergency helped.
Call them up next time.

 

Back Off in #Haiku. Aug 17th – 22nd, 2015

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Backtalk:

Monday

Suspend their asses.
Never shall they find careers.
Honestly, they suck.

“Sold down the river.”
Bad slavery reference.
Use it on Niki.

Crosswalks got painted.
About time something got done.
Beurocrat cobwebs.

Position was filled.
Listing up for two more weeks.
A bull has the runs.

Zombies never hide.
City employers found them.
Check the DMV.

Roger Goodell’s name.
Sounds pretty close to “all good.”
Could be a factor.

70 birthdays.
And I got 70 cards.
You guys are awesome.

Defend our country.
Obama refuses to.
China takes over.

Tuesday

Minor league baseball.
Three dollars for parking spots.
That’s out of control.

Stand up for the swans.
Abuse witnesses all complained.
No one intervened.

Morons on jet skis.
A nuisance with no value.
May the swans eat them.

Unqualified helpers.
Nursing Home’s fault for hiring.
Please up your standards.

Olan Mills mug shots.
Those would make me feel better.
These guys look creepy.

Wednesday

Contracts are bullshit.
No reason for rolling time.
Use it or lose it.

School Department scam.
Getting paid for staying well.
Out right thievery.

DPW.
Quickly removed a large branch.
Very impressive.

A plan was in place.
Ignored by three incumbents.
Little will be said.

Black folks don’t donate.
I’ve never ever seen it here…
…on my cul de sac.

Iranian sand.
Site of promises and deals.
The tide is coming.

‘Alladin’ was good.
Kids did an excellent job.
Stoklosa school rocks.

Representatives?
The meaning escapes them all.
Zombies flunked English.
‘Thursday

Before you have kids.
Try to get your life straightened.
Or you’ll just lose them.

DCF power.
Dangerous amounts of trust.
I want my kids back.

Living under bridge.
More folks than you might expect.
Prez should help out more.

Bomber Boy’s sentence.
I’d like to see it finished.
No more words from him.

The Open Meeting Law
Routinely violated.
Board should be questioned.

Lake Mascuppic fowl.
Jet skiers like to scare them.
Doesn’t seem that fair.

Let the birds attack.
Jet skiers have it coming.
Can’t stand those assholes.

Painter didn’t help.
Sidewalks were on schedule.
Don’t give him credit.

Kids all learn typing.
Cursive is not that useful.
Massive waste of time.

Bikes ride with traffic.
Now they can’t see cars coming.
Don’t trust these drivers.

Friday

Wingate’s a nice place.
Two aides shouldn’t ruin them.
Punish just the aides.

Get to town meetings.
Stop whining from your sofa.
This isn’t pro sports.

LTC issues.
Poor picture and sound twice now.
Folk and Water fests.

Channel 8 was bad.
Nothing at first then blurry.
Too unwatchable.

Police summer camp.
My kids loved ev’ry minute.
Officers were great.

Only Trump said it.
No because he’s batshit nuts.
But because it’s true.

Saturday

Store owner with gun.
Had ev’ry right to use it.
Even afterwards.

Moment of silence.
We should have them for addicts.
Meetings wouldn’t start.

Notini’s is gone.
Another property lost.
School should pay taxes.

Money for teachers.
Seemed to come out of nowhere.
So much for the scare.

Chelmsford High coaches.
Should quit before they’re fired.
Seems like the right thing.

Sue the NFL?
You knew concussions happen.
What about the troops?

Nobody showed up.
No reason for open mic.
You shoulda been there.

Hillary Clinton.
I wanna see her phone calls.
She’s the new Nixon.

I Beat Dan/#Haiku will be late

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Hi all,
It’s late Friday and ordinarily at this time I would calmly be counting syllables. However, after a night of soul searching through Narragansett’s at The Safe, UchARTed, and The Zorba Room I had to decide what was really important to me.

A few days ago I rode the Bruce Freeman trail four times and then just for added measure decided to throw in a ride through down town. It would have been a peaceful little jaunt, but there’s this thing called ‘Strava,’ an ap which makes even the humblist monk-like bike rider want to compete on the Rosie Ruiz level. Strava has a thing called “King of the Mountain,” a title given to any member of the cycling community who can run whatever small stretch of road that might be in the quickest time. Dan “Tobes” Tobin WAS the King of the Mountain for downtown stretch of Merrimack Street from the canal to Edible Arrangements. I had to beat him.
I don’t know what time of time of day Tobes went out there, but I’m guessing it wasn’t 2 a.m. No, he probably went out there at some “reasonable” hour when there might be traffic. Forget that stuff,
The traffic is lighter in the early morning. That’s the best time to strike. I beat my co-blogger by two seconds. I took out an orphan’s eye with the cork from the champagne bottle. It was a fun night. The haiku thing will be late though. Sorry.

Back Off in #Haiku. August 10-15

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Back Off in #Haiku. August 10-15

[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a couple of newspaper in northeast Massachusetts, USA. The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been.]

Backtalk:

Monday

Free tablet bullshit.
80 bucks to restock.
Screw you Verizon.

Obama silent.
He should be at all fun’rals.
Just like Reagan was.

Looking for cellphone.
Some kid rolled his car over.
Punish him some more.

Tuesday

Dogs should all be leashed.
There are lots of bad drivers.
World spins ’round drivers.

One man went to jail.
Another got promoted.
Jail will find him soon.

An old Dylan hit.
“Infidels” on Union Sundown.
Obama’s theme song.

Legalizing pot?
We still can’t have fire crackers.
Tell me which is worse.

Red Sox GM Ben.
Poor decisions getting made.
Pasture is calling.

Christie changed my mind.
Was gonna vote for Rand Paul.
Thank-you, big fat man.

Kerry likes the deal.
Said so down in Vietnam.
Not Fonda that guy.

Kinder Morgan’s pipe.
We won’t benefit from it.
No good will arrive.

Wednesday

That old vacant lot.
To hell will kids playing games.
We need a Cumby’s.

Money has been found.
Rectally extracted it.
That’s good management.

I really don’t care.
Maybe enough to call in.
But that’s about it.

Rotary landscape.
Bushes in need of trimming.
Zombies might hide there.

Clinton’s a killer.
Think of all them babies.
No choices for them.

Thursday

Shitty CNA’s.
No empathy in their bones.
Beyond disgusting.

Heroin addicts.
Eleven dead in three days.
Let’s legalize pot.

Goodell just plain sucks.
I wish him many curses.
Dumb sonovabitch.

Regional dispatch.
Bring all the towns together.
Lowell has a spot.

Friday

Clinton’s a liar.
Same goes for Niki Tsongas.
Fire all Democrats.

Let the sun shine in.
All schools need solar power.
Make money for town.

Deer roaming the streets.
Drivers should watch out for them.
They’re worse than cyclists.

Drivers just speed through.
No improvements from crosswalks.
Total waste of funds.

Regional dispatch.
The city doesn’t get much.
Only helps the towns.

Public lands look bad.
City neglects all its lawns.
Mow them ev’ry week.

Planned Parenthood.
Over forty years of help.
They’re too important.

Clueless candidates.
Charging us to watch debates.
Lost my vote right there.

Sound Off

Monday

Trump sucks period.
Sexist jerk can go to hell.
Not getting my vote.

Don’t call Trump mean names.
Name-calling is for losers.
Such as Donald Trump.

Trump for Hillary.
Only reason he’s running.
He makes her look good.

Heroes of YouTube.
Filming themselves break cop cars.
Prob’ly immigrants.

Long parallel streets.
Never to meet in this town.
Vagueness confuses.

Patriotism.
Pride doesn’t make me a jerk.
Whining makes you one.

Give Trump some Midol.
Dude’s gotta be cramping big.
Cranky whiney bitch.

No sanctuary.
Doesn’t help legals at all.
They’re all criminals.

Attacking their own.
Trying to be alpha dog.
They’ll back Trump later.

Private school closing.
Parents can’t afford the costs.
Liberals hate God.

Seniors getting screwed.
Immigrants taking it all.
Wish I knew it then.

An error was made.
Wrong intersection mentioned.
Move on with your life.

Racing in the streets.
Springsteen romanticized this.
But I’d like some sleep.

Wednesday

He killed off school choice.
That makes him a communist.
Just like all lib’rals.

Dogs in a hot car.
I was told to just butt out.
You shouldn’t own dogs.

Bullet to the head.
No need for all these trials.
Our laws cost too much.

Rand Paul admits it.
All politicians are paid for.
Doesn’t change things though.

Trump leads the Right’s hopes.
What does that say about them?
They’re all a joke.

Mayor hides his phone.
Doesn’t fly in NFL.
Boston should fine him.

Thursday

Federal football?
It’s just a labor dispute.
Not a major case.

Cut off his package.
Then put him back on the streets.
No free meals for creeps.

Border patrol drugs.
Employees found with stuff.
That makes things tricky.

President runs late.
But never for his golf games.
Priorities known.

Trump should learn focus.
Get that Mexican wall up.
Then the veterans.

Governor Shaheen.
In lockstep with Obama.
She hates New Hampshire.

Christians still have rights.
We can be whiney assholes.
That’s what Jesus wants.

Friday

Those damn illegals.
Taking over our language.
You’re all illegals.

I’m skipping Lawrence.
Taking my business elsewhere.
Corrupt government.

Real estate taxes.
Sanctuaries all exempt.
Doesn’t help at all.

I’ll boycott Lawrence.
No need for sanctuary.
-Bob from Nevada

This vote disturbs me.
Illegals from all over.
Even worse than now.

Don’t hire more police.
The ones we have now just hide.
Like kids smoking weed.

Clinton won debate.
Wasn’t even on the stage.
They’re all too Trump-like.

Saturday

I like Hillary.
She’s a tremendous speaker.
Vote based on gender.

More problems in town.
Not just that rich neighborhood.
Look below the lake.

They’re banning too much.
First they took my orange flag.
Next they’ll take my wife.

Plates from out of state.
Fill up my condo parking lot.
Don’t think they’re legit.

Money is free speech.
Corporations are people.
These are the problems.

Big labor dispute.
That’s why it went to the courts.
Brady has his rights.

Back Off in #Haiku. August 3-8th, 2015

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[Please note: These haiku are translated from angry anonymous messages published in a couple of newspaper in northeast Massachusetts, USA. The Sons of Franky Cabot are not responsible for whatever the point of the original messages might have been.]

Backtalk:

Monday

Cars under control.
Making streets safe for runners.
Thank-you officers.

Paid time off is good.
Sometimes people get real sick.
Bills need to be paid.

Deflategate still here?
Humanity must move on.
The blimp fell slowly.

It’s Obama’s fault.
Tom skipped out on the White House.
This is punishment.

Tuesday

Students jaywalking.
Maybe a bridge would help us.
These kids are stupid.

Tsongas still reading.
Really not much to study.
Muslims just hate us.

Make him go away.
Stuff his hair in his mouth first.
Draft dodging buffoon.

No big loss for us.
Maybe for the corrupt folks.
Not too sad ’bout that.

Some jerk hit my car.
Didn’t stick around at all.
I’m out two fifty.

Wednesday

NFL rule book:
Drugs will make you miss one game.
Tommy should get lit.

Jenner’s bathroom use:
Is that the boy’s room or girl’s?
I can’t sleep at all.

I am so outraged.
By a story that’s over.
My outrage will stay.

Your freaky tattoos.
Folks once paid to see those things.
Kind of like nipples.

Parking meter blues.
Got charged despite not staying.
Never going back.

Can’t water my lawn.
But town hall looks like Splash Town.
Goddamn hypocrites.

Thursday

I can’t paint sidewalks.
They’d kill me if I did that.
Why’d he get let off?

Jenner’s restroom use?
The biggest thing on your mind?
Are you five years old?

Moving out of state.
I don’t need sanctuary.
Hope Maine lets me in.

Not Obama’s fault.
Tom Brady understands that.
He’s reasonable.

A golfer moving.
Rest of the team will miss him.
A decent player.

Intersection blues.
Short lights equal longer waits.
Roads without movement.

Saturday

Debate on Fox News.
Not everyone has cable.
Why limit your reach?

I’m voting for Trump.
He’s the only one for me.
Without him I’ll die.

Tsongas unchallenged.
No real right wing contenders.
I’d like her to leave.

Leave Paint Man alone.
Drunks are killing your children.
Aim your hate wisely.

Get over Jenner.
Who cares about bathroom use?
None of your business.

Fund Planned Parenthood.
They do more than abortions.
Respect privacy.

One hundred percent.
Tax rate we’ll get from Sanders.
Possibly higher.

Sound Off

Monday

Kids today don’t care.
Gonna kill us old drivers.
Thinking they’re special.

Drug addicts get off.
Brady remains suspended.
Picture is crooked.

Stop the name calling.
Romney was good to that dog.
Hillary’s just mean.

Left wing is biased.
Ignores all faults on their side.
Some way worse than Trump.

Two philosophies:
One says earn and one says take.
Free spirits are earned.

Fancy pocketbooks.
Used to hold EBT cards.
An obvious fraud.

Solar energy.
Just another business plan.
Costs will match others.

Tuesday

Texting while driving.
West coast cracks down and saves lives.
Example now set.

Big arrows ignored.
Laws should reflect how things are.
Vote with your actions.

Socialism bad.
Trump is a conservative.
Not a plutocrat.

Benghazi and stuff.
Planned Parenthood something something.
I hate that black guy.

9-1-1 language.
English is good for most folks.
We should all learn it.

9-1-1 language.
Dispatcher assigned Lawrence.
Should be bilingual.

9-1-1 language.
Big country needs common voice.
Y’awl knows I right.

9-1-1 language.
With all due respect you’re wrong.
Bilinguals needed.

Other countries’ rules:
Learn the language or suffer.
They should have studied.

Tiger Woods is done.
Golf is a younger man’s game.
It always has been.

Workers live in fear.
Survey shows the Doctor to blame.
School Board doesn’t care.

Thursday

No magic coming.
Language barrier is real.
Ideals don’t matter.

Left is socialist.
No moderates on that side.
Only extremists.

Goodell’s a coward.
Afraid to do the right thing.
Caves in to owners.

Friday

People hate their phones.
Hillary and Tom Brady.
Suspend her four years.

Michael Christian helped.
I didn’t know why Trump sucks.
Blanks are now filled in.

Enough name calling.
Show Trump respect he deserves.
Only babies do that.

Got rid of smoking.
But replacing it with weed.
Smoke still kills your lungs.

Old folks learned English.
Why can’t the new immigrants?
Phone trees annoy me.

Saturday

Evangelicals.
Can’t use library as church.
Glad they got turned down.

Can’t adopt a dog.
Shelter is asking too much.
Would like a new friend.

Hillary Clinton.
Let’s reopen Alcatraz.
Throw away the boat.

Socialism works.
Billionaires live in Sweden.
Learn your history.

Democrats hate Trump.
He controls the dialogue.
Says what needs saying.

Back Off in #Haiku. July 27th-August 1st, 2015

Haiku

Backtalk

Monday

George and his bucket.
Voted against improvements.
Hypocrite vandal.

Tax man gets letters.
Too many to sign receipts.
Not sure they got mine.

Brown’s versus Markey’s.
A war we’ll never see end.
Both sides are valid.

Olympics now gone.
More money for an old bridge.
We’ve gotten to it.

Tuesday

Monuments are nice.
But not really practical.
Business should come first.

Issue was addressed.
Though he skipped normal process.
Reward work ethic.

Speed limits vary.
Regardless of road issues.
Speeders pay no heed.

Anonymous calls.
Sometimes you spot who they are.
Agendas are known.

Wednesday

Olympic failure.
Hacks looking to stay busy.
Who will pay Deval?

Crowdfunder for George.
Help to pay the fines he got.
And buy him more paint.

Official neglect.
Brought to light by one man’s act.
Their response backfires.

Baseball fields empty.
Kids all inside with gadgets.
Stale air gives no life.

Granddaughter’s neclace.
Left behind in waiting room.
Thieves are all heartless.

Thursday

Olympics now gone.
Our tradition will remain.
Fix the bridge yearly.

George distorted truth.
Center would be done by now.
Throw him out of town.

Folk Fest home viewing.
Wasn’t quite as good this year.
Had to go watch live.

Give unused sick time.
Big bonus at end of year.
No carry overs.

Got mail receipt back.
Taxman always reads his mail.
Postman lied to you.

Those guys lie a lot.
Don’t trust either him or her.
Only trust Donald.

Friday

Pipeline meeting planned.
Monday at Dracut Senior’s.
All are invited.

Young Methuen cop.
Saluted procession.
Very respectful.

Parking cost was high.
Fifteen dollars during fest.
Those greedy bastards.

Boards remain open.
Nobody wants the headaches.
Just the benefits.

Bad calls hurt teachers.
No protection made for them.
Jobs have gone away.

Trying to cross street.
Cars zoom by without a thought.
Drivers are the worst.

Sound Off

Monday

Trump’s a Roosevelt.
Speaks his mind with balls of steel.
What this country needs.

Jail’s for the lazy.
How else to explain dumb crooks?
They want to get caught.

You got the wrong bird.
Canaries aren’t parakeets.
The beaks are pointy.

Pedro Martinez.
Once beat up an older guy.
Jeter was better.

Big “No Swimming” sign.
Needed to discourage swimmers.
Hooks get stuck in trunks.

Kindergarten funds.
Cut to pay for big parties.
Leprechauns were fired.

Tuesday

Trump speaks only truth.
That is the source of his strength.
Don’t trust Obama.

Construction is loud.
Work begins in early morn.
I’m still hungover.

Trump was no Teddy.
Roosevelt was a good man.
Trump lacks refinement.

No sanctuary.
Illegal means illegal.
Fill out your papers.

Pedro Martinez.
Once beat up a crazed old man.
Jeter was better.

Brady should give up.
Take punishment like a man.
He’s no Donald Trump.

Bad drivers surround us.
You see them in ev’ry town.
Laws should be enforced.

Olympics not good.
We were right to reject them.
We weren’t gonna win.

Big left wing pipe dream.
But the right stood up this time.
Olympics are bad.

Reagan sold us out.
Don’t call him a patriot.
Shady ass mofo.

Selling baby parts.
How can you justify that?
Don’t call me crazy.

Truckers get louder.
Complaints to city ignored.
Worse that kids racing.

They’re all criminals.
Just by being on this land.
Arrest or deport.

Norwegian Golf Course Mystery Pooper…the blog that writes itself.

Mystery Pooper

Source

For the last decade, a man has been coming to a golf course in Norway in the mornings, dropping trou and pooping in the cups.

That sentence should invite a lot of questions.

Stavanger Golf Club has been dealing with the mystery pooper since 2005, and the club’s staff is convinced a man is behind the fecal graffiti for a simple reason.

“We know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman,” said groundskeeper Kenneth Tennfjord, who added that the man in question often leaves toilet paper to go along with the turds, according to the Rogalands Avis paper.

The person in question only poops in the cups on weekdays, never showing up on weekends. Presumably, he has better things to do then. The guy apparently used to bike to the parts of the course where he would do his business, with grounds staff noticing wheels marks in the dew, followed by foot prints to the cup.

At one point, the club thought putting flood flights around the mystery pooper’s favorite target would stop him. Wrong. The guy just found a way to turn off the lights and poop in the dark.

I can’t speak to the customs and golfing traditions of the country of Norway as I’ve never been there nor have I shared a beer with any real life Norwegians, let alone Norwegian golfers (or Norwegian poopers for that matter).  Yes, the idea of hovering in gimme range and dropping your cargo in the cup seems strange to me.  But what kind of guy would I be to judge another man for being particular about his bowel rituals.  Aren’t we all? Sure, not everyone would want to complicate the matter with pin placements and break, but to each his own.  As I understand it, there are 3 internationally recognized tenets of being a successful man: make money, get laid, and last but most importantly, get regular. More power to you if you can take care of all three at the golf course.

Btw, honorable mention here goes to the Norwegian investigators and their decade long manhunt:

“Whelp, it’s a big dump so it can’t be a women.”

“It can’t be Tiger Woods as he wouldn’t go the bathroom on the green unless there was a whore lying there. Definitely didn’t see any whore footprints.”

“Doesn’t come around on weekends…must be a family man, trying to avoid 6 hour rounds on the weekends.”

“The presence of toilet paper rules out all Mt Pleasant members.”

Splendid effort, fellas.